A bit of humour

[Foreigner]

Jack, a tourist from London goes to a Scottish horse race event and witnesses a pastor blessing one of the horses. To Jack’s astonishment, the horse wins. Not just that, the next 3 horses whom the pastor blesses also win. Then he finds the priest blessing a fifth horse and puts a good deal of money on it.

Unfortunately, the horse suffers from a stroke during the race and dies. Jack meets the pastor later and tells him what a disaster his bet had turned out to be. He also questions why the pastor's blessings had not worked on the fifth horse.

The pastor questions him, ‘Are you a Protestant?’.

‘Yes, I am,’ replies Jack.

‘Well then,’ says the pastor. ‘You’ll not be knowing the difference between a blessing and the last rites.’

 

[Foreigner]

George was enjoying his drink at the bar, when an ugly woman takes a seat next to him. She had a squirrel sitting on her shoulder.

The woman says to George: "If you can guess what kind of animal I have on my shoulder, I am willing to sleep with you.

George says: "It must be a crocodile?"

The woman says: "Close enough"

 

[Foreigner]

In a local sports bar trivia quiz the other night, I lost by one point. The question was, where do women mostly have curly hair?

Apparently, it's Africa.

 

[Foreigner]

Bob wanted to uplift his status in life but his boss was not giving him a raise for quite some time.


Exasperated, one day Bob went to his boss and said: “Now you have to give me a raise, otherwise there are three companies after me.


Boss (sarcastically): “Oh yes? Which are these companies if I am not being too pertinent?”


Bob: “Telephone company, Mortgage company and Electricity company.”


Bob got his desired raise.

 

[Foreigner]

(apologies if this had been posted earlier)


There are many "pinot" wines on the market these days: Pinot Noir, Pinot Blanc and Pinot Grigio are but a few.


There is also marketing research on a product for senior citizens from a new hybrid grape that acts as a diuretic and will reduce the number of trips an older person has to make to the bathroom during the night.


They will be marketing the new wine as .... Pinot More.

 

[Foreigner]

The blind date hadn't been all that great and Susan was relieved the evening was finally over.

At her apartment door, her date suddenly said, "Hey! You wanna see my underwear?"

Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any underwear.

She took one look and said, "Nice design. Does it also come in men's sizes?"

 

[Foreigner]

Martin had a drink too many at the pub and had also run out of money. But that did not stop him from ordering for more. So he said to the bartender, "C'mon Dan, give me a few more drinks. I'll pay you next week, I promise."




"Look," said Dan the bartender pointing out the window. "Can you see that building across the road?"


"Yes, I do. What about it?" said Martin.


"Well, that is the National Bank, and I had a deal with them" said Dan.


"What kind of deal?" Martin blurted.


"The pact was that they'll not sell booze, and I will not lend money." replied Dan.

 

[anat0l]

Anyone who has been to a conference before can relate

 

[QF WP]

Little girl on the plane.....
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane
and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk?
Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger,
"What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty,
but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says,
"Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies,
"Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell,
or life after death, when you don't know cough?"
And then she went back to reading her book.

 

[wunala]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding traces of copper wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times saying: "American archaeologists, having found traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the French."

A few weeks later, ‘The British Archaeological Society of Northern England’ reported the following: "After digging down to a depth of 33 feet in the Skipton area of North Yorkshire in 2011, Charlie Hardcastle, a self-taught local amateur archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely bugger all. Charlie has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."



​

 

[Bundy Bear]

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Health Information

· Do you have feelings of inadequacy? ...wish you were thinner or younger or taller or shorter?

· Do you want to have more fun?

· Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive or had more friends?


If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.


Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living.

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.


Side effects
Side effects may include:
Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.


Warnings:

· The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

· The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

· The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.

· The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.


Please feel free to share this important information with as many people as you feel may benefit!

 

[TheEmu]

Apparently there is a species of antelope in Africa that can jump higher than the average suburban house.
This is partly due to its powerful hind legs.
it is also due to the fact that the average suburban house cannot jump.

 

[Foreigner]

A drunkard was brought to court.
Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have a scotch and soda."

 

[Foreigner]

"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

 

[Foreigner]

A couple had been divorced for about 6 months, but still remained good friends. This worked out pretty good since the both lived in the same apartment building. One day he slipped on the ice and broke his arm. Later he met his ex-wife in the elevator and she asked if there was anything she could do to help. He responded, "Well yes, if it's not to much trouble, could you help me take a bath?" She readily agreed and soon after she began washing him she saw a gradual erection began to appear. "Look John", she exclaimed happily "It still recognizes me!!!"

 

[Maca44]

WHY OLD MEN DON'T GET HIRED!

Job Interview:
Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"
Old Man: "Honesty."Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."
Old Man: "I don't really give a cough* what you think."

 

[Foreigner]

The teacher gave an assignment to her fifth grade class :
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.

But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?'

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

"Stay away from Mommy when she's drunk."

 

[anat0l]

How fairy tales really end:
Cinderella

How fairy tales really end:
Snow White

You might need to save those images separately then re-attach them. That, or give us the access details to your email account

 

[mrs.dr.ron]

How fairy tales really end:
Cinderella

 

[mrs.dr.ron]

How fairy tales end - Snow White