A bit of humour

[mrs.dr.ron]

 

[wunala]

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam.. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

 

[Foreigner]

Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook.
The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face."

The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."

The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"

 

[wunala]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Aldi. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Aldi. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

Thank you for shopping at Aldi."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Aldi, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9).
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7).
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Aldi.

 

[anat0l]

This morning it was so cold that the local flasher was reported to be calling up every woman in town and describing himself to them.

 

[Foreigner]

The matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her. "I'm ashamed to bring this up," he said, "but the man wants to be sure you are compatible in bed. He wants, he says, a sample."


The woman was shocked. "Such a thing you ask a Christian virtuous woman? Such a crude person would suggest such a thing? He must be a barnyard animal, not a gentleman."


The matchmaker, trying to earn a fee, said, "He's a pragmatic, man. After all, to him it's not a big deal... just a sample."


She thought a minute. "A pragmatic man, is he? So tell him I don't give samples. I can give him 50 or 60 references, if he wants, though.

 

[Foreigner]

A man in a bar had a couple of beers and the bartender told him he owed four dollars.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" said the customer.
"OK," said the bartender. "If you say you paid, then you did."
The man went outside and told a friend that the bartender couldn't keep track of his customers' bills. The second man rushed in and ordered a beer. When it came time to pay he pulled the same stunt.
The barkeep replied, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Soon the customer went into the street, saw an old friend, and told him how to get free drinks.
The man hurried into the bar and began to drink shots when suddenly, the bartender leaned over and said, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responded. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

 

[straitman]

Merry Christmas.

 

[straitman]

I was tempted to post this in the Political thread but thought here might be safer :!:



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[TABLE="width: 100%"] [TR] [TD]Absolutely love this, who-ever thought it up is a genius, they need congratulating. Dear Mr. Abbot as the official replacement for Mr Rudd, Please find below our suggestion for fixing Australia 's economy. Instead of giving billions of dollars to car companies & other bussiness that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.. You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan: There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them $1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations: 1) They MUST retire. Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed 2) They MUST buy a new Australian car. Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed 3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed 4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university - Crime rate fixed 5) They MUST buy $100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week ....... and there's your money back in duty/tax etc 6) Instead of stuffing around with the carbon emissions trading scheme that makes us pay for the major polluters, tell the greedy coughs to reduce their pollution emissions by 75% within 5 years or we shut them down. 7) Cut down on pollies perks - they earn enough money to pay for their own petrol, food, drinks, airfares for their wives & families like all other hard working Aussies do. We pay big money but we still get MONKEYS. 8) No government credit cards for pollies - let them get their own then they will be more careful about how they use it and pay up on time so as not to incur interest. It can't get any easier than that! P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know. If not, please disregard. Grumpies of the World Unite Also . Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home. This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks. They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out. They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance. Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell. They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education. Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request. Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens. Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls. There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to. The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay $600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out. Think about this (more points of contention): ------------------------------------------------------------------- THE AUSTRALIAN CONSTITUTION They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq .... Why don't we just give them ours? It was drawn up by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for centuries and we're not using it anymore. ------------------------------------------------------------------- THE 10 COMMANDMENTS The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or Parliament, is this - You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...... It creates a hostile work environment. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Think about this .... If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM! It is time for us grumpy old folk of Australia to speak up!

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[Foreigner]

An obese blonde with unhealthy overweight, went to Doctor. Her doctor put her on a diet with strict advise. "I want you to eat regularly for two days and then skip a day. I want you to repeat this
procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Wow, this is amazing!" the doctor said,
"So you did follow my instructions? "

The blonde nodded yes. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" The Doctor asked.
"No, from skipping", The Blonde explained.

 

[Foreigner]

A young couple left their wedding reception, arriving at the hotel for the first night of their honeymoon. They cracked the champagne and began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife said, "Your toes look all mangled and funny."
"I had tolio as a child," the husband replied.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, the disease only affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with this, and they continued undressing.
When the groom took off his pants, his bride exclaimed, "What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked. "No, kneasles.
It was a strange illness that only affected my knees." The new bride was satisfied with this answer.
As the undressing continued, her husband removed his undies.
"Let me guess," the wife said. "Smallcox?"

 

[amaroo]

A young couple left their wedding reception, arriving at the hotel for the first night of their honeymoon. They cracked the champagne and began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife said, "Your toes look all mangled and funny."
"I had tolio as a child," the husband replied.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, the disease only affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with this, and they continued undressing.
When the groom took off his pants, his bride exclaimed, "What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked. "No, kneasles.
It was a strange illness that only affected my knees." The new bride was satisfied with this answer.
As the undressing continued, her husband removed his undies.
"Let me guess," the wife said. "Smallcox?"

Love it - this is one of the best jokes on this thread - by a "small" margin

 

[anat0l]

Mangled airline mnemonics - this is an oldie but a goodie:

Aircraft
Landed
In
Tokyo
All
Luggage
In
Amsterdam

Perhaps a more well known version:

Always
Late
In
Takeoff
Always
Late
In
Arrival

 

[codash1099]

The devout cowboy lost his favourite Bible while he was mending
fences out on the range.

Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in
its mouth.

The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book
out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed,

"It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the
cover."

 

[Hvr]

Mangled airline mnemonics - this is an oldie but a goodie:

Aircraft
Landed
In
Tokyo
All
Luggage
In
Amsterdam

Perhaps a more well known version:

Always
Late
In
Takeoff
Always
Late
In
Arrival

Another old one,
China
Airways
Always
Crashes

 

[codash1099]

A British anthropologist was doing research in an
isolated African village, and the tribal chief asked
if he would like to attend a legal trial his people
were conducting that afternoon.

"You'll be surprised," said the chief, "at how well
we've copied your country's legal procedures. You see,
we have read accounts of many English trials in your
newspapers, and incorporated them into our judicial system."

When the Brit arrived at the wooden constructed
courthouse, he was truly amazed to see how closely the
African court officials resembled those of England.
The counsels were suitably attired in long black robes
and the traditional white powdered wigs worn by all
British jurists. Each argued his case with eloquence
and in proper judicial language.

But he couldn't help being puzzled by the occasional
appearance of a bare-breasted native girl running
through the crowd waving her arms frantically.

After the trial, the anthropologist congratulated his
host on what he had seen and then asked, "What was the
purpose of having a semi-nude woman run through the
courtroom during the trial?"

"I really don't know," confessed the Chief, "but in
all the accounts we read in your papers about British
trials, there was invariably mentioned something about
'an excited titter' running through the gallery."

 

[Ikara]

Another old one,
China
Airways
Always
Crashes

For those who can remember..........

Better
On
A
Camel

JB

 

[TheEmu]

Mangled airline mnemonics - this is an oldie but a goodie:

Aircraft
Landed
In
Tokyo
All
Luggage
In
Amsterdam

Perhaps a more well known version:

Always
Late
In
Takeoff
Always
Late
In
Arrival

Another old one,
China
Airways
Always
Crashes

For those who can remember..........

Better
On
A
Camel

JB

Probably don't want to go there with the only one I know for Lufthansa... :shock:

 

[Foreigner]

A salesman was traveling through the country side,flogging insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.
'Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it.'
The farmer was dubious.
'Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you. And get everyone in the county to buy a case. We
will make you rich'.
The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake.
Back to the house went the farmer.
The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield.
Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him.
Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him. The farmer was perplexed.
'Son,' he said, 'Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?'
The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked,
'Doesn't that calf have a mother?'

 

[Bundy Bear]

Something to think about for a Saturday.