A bit of humour

[anat0l]

(May be a repeat here...)

Just a court case was about to begin, two lawyers were asked by the judge to approach the bench.

"Now, Mr Brown," said the judge, "I understand that you've given me a bribe of $5,000 in order for you to win this case."

Mr Brown turned red, but admitted to the judge that this was true. Before his opposing counsel could rejoice, the judge turned to him and said, "Now, Mr Green, I understand you've given me a bribe of $10,000 in order for you to win this case."

Mr Green turned red, but admitted to the judge that this was true.

"Let me make it clear that I only believe in a fair process," said the judge.

The judge then reached into his pockets and pulled out a sum of cash, "Now, I am going to return $5,000 to Mr Green, and then we are going to proceed with this case based on its own merits!"

 

[Hvr]

One for all the fathers here:

 

[puppysparkes]

Boom tish.

 

[Hvr]

Oh boy, the snack truck is here...

 

[Foreigner]

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house.
She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in- law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.


"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work, " the daughter-in- law answered
" But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in- law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress, " she explained.
"It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."


The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered and put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing , " he said. "What's for dinner?"







There was an elderly man visiting a doctor for his check-up. As he was leaving he asked the doctor if he could recommend a specialist for his wife. "What's wrong with her?" asked the doctor. The old man explained that her hearing was getting so bad that it was almost embarrassing. The doctor said he knew of several specialists that could help but he wanted the old man to do a little test when he got home to help the doctor determine the severity of her hearing loss. The doctor said "When you get home, make sure your wife's back is turned to you and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond walk closer and ask her again. Keep doing this until she answers and let me know the results".


That night when the old man opened the door of his home he could see his wife in the kitchen preparing dinner. She was at the counter with her back to the door. "What's for dinner?" the old man asked. His wife did not respond so he walks to the doorway of the kitchen and asked the question again. Still, he was greeted with silence. This time he walks up just behind her and asks once again "What's for dinner?" His wife spins around a bit agitated and says "For the third time, Fried Chicken!!"

 

[Foreigner]

Oh boy, the snack truck is here...

More like supper truck. Scary. Hope organizers have plan B in case of something unexpected...flat tyres or medical emergency or worse.

 

[codash1099]

As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards legislation which requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics.

We therefore propose that the following list of warnings appears on every product offered for sale.

WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving. (Note: This one is optional on the grounds that Heisenburg was never quite sure that his principle was correct)

ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as "Tunnelling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbour's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.999999999% Empty Space.

PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.

HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.

 

[Major]

NEW CHURCH INSTRUCTIONS


PASTOR: "Praise the Lord!"

CONGREGATION: "Hallelujah!"

PASTOR: "Will everyone please turn on their tablet, PC, iPad, smart phone
and Kindle Bibles to 1 Cor. 13:13.
And please switch on your Bluetooth to download the sermon."

P-a-u-s-e ...

"Now, Let us pray, committing this week into God's hands.

Open your Apps, BBM, Twitter and Facebook, and chat with God."

S-i-l-e-n-c-e ...

"As we take our Sunday tithes and offerings, please have your credit and debit cards ready."

"You can log on to the church Wi-Fi using the password 'Lord909887.'

The ushers will circulate mobile card swipe machines among the worshipers:

a. Those who prefer to make electronic fund transfers are directed to computers and laptops
at the rear of the church.
b. Those who prefer to use iPads can open them.
c. Those who prefer telephone banking, take out your cell phones to transfer your contributions
to the church account.”

The holy atmosphere of the Church becomes truly electrified as ALL the smart phones, iPads,
PCs and laptops beep and flicker!

“Final Blessing and Closing Announcements ...

a. This week's ministry cell meetings will be held on the various Facebook group pages where
the usual group chatting takes place. Please log in and don't miss out.
b. Thursday's Bible study will be held live on Skype at 1900hrs GMT. Please don't miss out.
c. You can follow your Pastor on Twitter this weekend for counselling and prayers.
d. God bless you and have nice day.”

 

[medhead]

[FONT=Arial,sans-serif]What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,sans-serif] [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,sans-serif]My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,sans-serif] [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,sans-serif]Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,sans-serif] [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,sans-serif]Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,sans-serif] [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,sans-serif]Time for another beer.[/FONT]

 

[NM]

Moses was walking down a street when he bumped into George W. Bush. "Hello," said Bush. "Nice weather we're having, huh?" Moses took one look at the President, turned, and ran in the other direction.

The next day Moses was walking down the same street and there was Bush. Again he tried to initiate a conversation. Again Moses turned and ran away.

Bush was tired of this bizarre treatment, so the next time Moses ran away from him, Bush followed. When he caught up, he asked Moses what was wrong. Moses said, "The last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years in the desert."

 

[QF WP]

Daddy's car in the woods?

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs.'

Mummy fainted!

Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

 

[Major]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The paddy replied,

'These are Carols.'

 

[Foreigner]

A German teenage boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his grandad came in the room and sat down on the bed.
"What are you doing?" asked the grandad. "You're 18 years old and wasting your life! When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed on the barman and left without paying! Now that is how to have a good time!"
A week later, the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the boy still in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, two black eyes and missing all his front teeth.
"What happened?" he asked.
"Oh Grandfather! " replied the boy. "I did what you did! I went to Paris, went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed all over the barman, and they beat the cough out of me!"
"Oh dear!" replied Grandpa. "Who did you go with?"
"Just some friends. Why? Who did you go with?"
"Oh!" replied Grandpa. "The German army!"

 

[Major]

40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40
travellers here. Can I let them in?'

God says 'We are over quota on Gypsies . Go out to the Pearly Gates and tell them to choose
between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.'

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again. 'They've
gone', he tells God.

'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'

'No, the Pearly Gates'.

 

[Major]

A man in Newcastle walked into the produce section of his local ASDA
supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in
that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,

"Some old cough outside wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had
followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "and
this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy...........

"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation
earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you
from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players
there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager, "My wife is from New Zealand!"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who did she play for?"

 

[Major]

LOVING HUSBAND

Sandy had two of the best tickets for the Scotland v England 6 Nations decider at the Murrayfield Stadium. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat for this game, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?"

Sandy says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first game we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"


Sandy shakes his head...

...."No. They're all at the funeral."

 

[Major]

Aviation humour is alive and well!




British Airways flight asks for push back clearance from terminal.

Control Tower replies: 'And where is the world's most experienced airline going today without filing a flight plan?'

-----------------------

ATC: "Al Italia 345 continue taxi to 26L South via Tango - check for workers along taxiway."

Al Italia 345: " Roger, Taxi 26 Left a via Tango. Workers checked - all are working"

-----------------------

Nova 851: "Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15."

Halifax Terminal (female): "Nova 851, Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks.
Expect runway 06."

-----------------------

Lost student pilot: " Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, please identify yourself."

-----------------------

Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what?
Pilot: Yes, SIR!

---------------------------

Frankfurt Control: 'AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots.'

Pilot: 'Roger, Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fer ya.'

Control: (a few moments later): 'AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 11/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110
knots.'

Pilot: 'AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots'

Control: 'AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots'

Pilot (a little miffed): 'Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?'

Control: 'No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you.'

--------------------------

ATC: 'Cessna 123, What are your intentions?

Cessna: 'To get my Commercial Pilots License and Instrument Rating.'

ATC: 'I meant in the next five minutes not years.'

--------------------------

Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.

Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship.

Controller: Oh, Oh, ****! You have traffic!

---------------------

O'Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach, maintain 250 knots.

USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that speed?

O'Hare Approach: All the way to the gate if you can.

USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.

----------------------

ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH, altimeter 1019.

Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?

ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH, altimeter 1019

------------------------

Cessna 152: 'Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred'

Controller: 'Roger, contact Houston Space Center '

--------------------------

Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.

ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.

-------------------------

Student Pilot: 'I'm lost; I'm over a big lake and heading toward the big "E".

Controller: 'Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar.' (Short pause)... Controller: 'Okay then. That big lake is the Atlantic Ocean. Suggest you turn to the big "W" immediately ...'

--------------------

Pilot: 'Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000' and 40 DME.'

Approach: 'Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000'.'

Pilot: 'Approach, 202's unable that descent rate.'

Approach: 'What's the matter 202? Don't you have speed brakes?'

Pilot: 'Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours.'

-----------------------------

Tower: 'American...and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the centerline on that approach.'

American: 'That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right'

-----------------------

Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60. (pause)

Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!' (pause)

Controller: 'USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!'

Pilot: 'Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!'

-----------------------

BB: 'Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet.'

Bay Approach: 'Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude.'

BB: 'Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!'

Bay Approach: '8300 approved.'

------------------------------------

Controller: 'FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus 330 or 340?'

Pilot: 'A340 of course!'

Controller: 'Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and give me 1000 feet per minute, please?'

---------------------------

Tower: 'Cessna 123, turn right now and report your heading.'

Pilot: 'Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345....'

---------------------------------

Foreign Pilot Trainee: 'Tower, please speak slowly, I am a baby in English and lonely in the coughpit'

-----------------------

Controller: 'CRX600, are you on course to SUL?'


Pilot: 'More or less.'

Controller: 'So proceed a little bit more to SUL.'

----------------------------

Pilot: 'Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.'

Tower: 'KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.'

Pilot: 'Please confirm: two hours delay?'

Tower: 'Affirm.'

Pilot: 'In that case, cancel the good morning!'

 

[Hvr]

It had been a year since his last flight, so Santa Claus, asked the Transport Canada Examiner to check out his flying for his Christmas flight. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sleigh and bathe all the reindeer.

He did his currency review, 5 take-offs and landings, reviewed the sleigh's Certificate of Registration, Certificate of Airworthiness, Pilot Operating Handbook, Canadian Flight Supplement with intercept procedures, journey log, and his own licence and logbook. All the paperwork was in order.



The Examiner arrived and walked slowly around the sleigh. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the flight. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the Examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.



"Hey, you can't bring that on-board. That's a Canadian Air Regulations (CARs) violation." said Santa incredulously.



The examiner winked and said, "That's OK, I got an authorisation from the Minister. I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time", as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

 

[Foreigner]

Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."


Black employee: "I'm a protected minority."


Female employee: "And I'm a woman."


Oldest employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."


They all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay..."

 

[Foreigner]

A doctor and his wife are having a terrible fight at the breakfast table.

The doctor gets up in a rage and walks out yelling, "and you are not any good in bed either" as he storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends.

He calls his wife and after at least a dozen rings she answers the phone.

Again irritated the doctor says "what took you so long to answer the phone"?

She says, "I was in bed". "In bed this late in the day, doing what"?

"I was getting a second opinion" she replied.