A bit of humour

[Foreigner]

Young Mwangi was appointed sales person at a local General Dealer's store in Kampala .

While on one of his shifts, a lady approached him and asked if they had peach jam to which he bluntly replied, "Out of stock." At this, the lady immediately turned to leave the shop in disgruntlement.

It was then that the shopkeeper, who had been looking on, called Mwangi aside and told him, "When a customer asks for a product that is out of stock, you apologize for its unavailability, and then offer other types of the same product. For instance in this case it was peach jam; offer other types of jam like plum jam, guava jam and so on."

Next, came in another lady who asked for toilet paper and Mwangi politely replied, "I am sorry ma'am, we do not have any toilet paper right now but you could try carbon paper, manila paper or sand paper!

 

[anat0l]

A classic line from Dilbert (animated series).

Context: Dilbert is asked to find the name for a product which hasn't been invented or designed yet. He attempts to convey his frustration.

[video=youtube;yHRyn8f]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yHRyn8f****[/video]

 

[Major]

A bit of Aussie poetry

Poor old Gran'Dad's passed away, cut off in his prime,
He never had a day off crook - gone before his time,
We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,
A startled look upon his face, his trousers around his feet.
The doctor said his heart was good - fit as any trout,
The Constable had ta have his say, 'foul play' was not ruled out.
There were theories at the inquest of snakebite with no trace,
Of redbacks quietly creeping and death from outer space!

No-one had a clue at all, the Judge was in some doubt,
When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about,
'I reckon I can clear it up,' said Dad with trembling breath,
'You see it's quite a story - but it could explain his death!'

'This 'ere 'exploration mob' had been lookin' at our soil,
And they reckoned that our farm was just the place for oil,
So they came and put a bore down and said they'd make some trials,
They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles!

Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste,
And I couldn't see a hole like that go to flamin' waste,
So I moved the dunny over it - real smart move I thought,
I'd never have to dig again - and never be 'caught short'.

The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,
But I didn't dream poor Gran'Dad would pass away that night!
Now I reckon what has happened - poor Gran'Dad didn't know
The dunny was re-located, when that night he had to go.

And you'll probably be wondering how poor Gran'Dad did his dash?
Well, he always used to hold his breath........

Until he heard the splash!!

 

[Foreigner]

One day, a young man entered a general store, and asked the beautiful, young, mini-skirted woman for a loaf of self-raising bread, which was located on the very top shelf. The woman climbed up a ladder, reached for the bread, and provided the man with an excellent view of her firm cheeks. It wasn’t long before dozens of young men were going into the store and asking for self-raising bread. After a while, she became tired and irritated. She stood at the top of the ladder, and said to an elderly man stood amongst the throng, “Is yours self-raising too?” The feeble old man croaked, “No, unfortunately, I need a little manual help!”

 

[Major]

The madam opened the brothel door in Milngavie and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May I help you sir?"

she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Suzy."

"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies Perhaps you would prefer someone else" , said the madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Suzy."

Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy.

Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.

"There are no discounts. The price is still £5000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.

After their session , Suzy said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?"

The man replied, "Edinburgh."

"Really," she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her lawyer. She asked me to give you your £15,000 inheritance."

......The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. ....Being screwed by a lawyer!

 

[Foreigner]

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner. "You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we ought to do with it?" With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."

 

[serfty]

...Dilbert ...

[noparse]
[video=youtube;yHRyn8f]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yHRyn8f****[/video][/noparse]

seems like the censor has had it's way with that URL.

 

[Foreigner]

Novel Novels


I Want to Help by Abel N. Willin
Smart Beer Making by Bud Wiser
Genie in a Bottle by Grant Wishes
Fifty Yards to the Outhouse by Willy Makit and Betty Woant
Tinseltown Tales by Holly Wood
Ready...Set... By Sadie Word
Raising Flowers By Hand by Flo Wrist
Skunks in the Shrubbery by P. Yew
I'm Fine by Howard Yu
The Dead Of Winter by Jan Yuary
Mensa Man by Gene Yuss
Tear Up Those Betting Slips by Lou Zerr
Hollywood Gossip by Phyllis Zinn
Mexican Revenge by Monty Zuma
The German Bank Robbery by Hans Zupp
Over the Cliff by Hugo First
Broken Windows by Eva Brick
What Not to Wear by Anna Rack
Mishap at the Balcony by Eileen Dover

 

[Foreigner]

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, ‘This is from the gentleman who is seated over there’….. and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.


The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read:’For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants’. After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read:


‘Just to let you know things aren’t always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back.’

 

[whatmeworry]

Meanwhile in Broadmeadows.

[video=youtube_share;UOmWaGdYY0w]http://youtu.be/UOmWaGdYY0w[/video]

 

[Major]

A pharmacist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.
"What's wrong with him?", he asked his assistant.
"He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any
so I gave him an entire box of laxatives."
"You idiot" said the chemist, "You can't treat a cough with laxatives."
"Of course you can" the assistant replied,
"Look at him.........he daren't cough now!!”

 

[Foreigner]

A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious, the man rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for?"

"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat."

"Wow! Does that really work?"

"You bet it does."

"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."

"Well, okay."

After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?"

"You're the sixth," he said.

 

[codash1099]

With Xmas upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several coughtails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.

That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a taxi home. Sure enough on the way home there was a police roadside checkpoint but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise, as I had never driven a taxi before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

 

[Major]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look Towards sky, what you see?
"The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.".'
What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, It tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter Past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo s**t.
It means someone stole the tent."

 

[anat0l]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look Towards sky, what you see?
"The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.".'
What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, It tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter Past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo s**t.
It means someone stole the tent."

Aaaah... this kind of tent joke never gets old.

I've heard it used during a personal development education seminar, too.

 

[Foreigner]

A man goes to his doctor, seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy. "When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your butt. Then remove it, re wrap it, and place it back with all the others, in such a fashion as you can`t tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious, you won`t dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar." "Thanks doc, I`ll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again. "What? My recommendation didn`t work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!" answered the doctor. "Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," replied the patient. "What is that supposed to mean?" demanded the doctor. "Well, I don`t smoke cigars anymore, but now I can`t go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my butt."

 

[Foreigner]

Three geezers are sitting on a porch in Miami Beach. Suddenly the first sighs and says, "Gentlemen, isn't life horrible. Here I am at an age that I can afford the best steaks and what? Bad teeth and gums. I have to eat ground or soft foods. "The second answers, "Yeah, life is a real bummer. Why here I am at an age where I can buy the finest wines, champagne but what? Ulcers, I have to drink milk. "The third sighs loudly and adds, "Gentlemen, I know exactly what you mean. Last night at 2 am I nudged my wife and asked her if she's interested. She screams at me, "What is wrong with you Sam? We just got finished doing it for the second time tonight!"After a long pause the first man says, "So what is your problem?" The third one grunts and says, "Can't you see? My memory is going."

 

[Foreigner]

Gwen was one of those UGLY women, so ugly it hurts. She never had a boyfriend, so she went to a psychic for help. Honey, said the psychic, you will not have luck in love in this life. But after death, you will be a much desired woman and all men will fall at your feet. Gwen left very happy and excited. As she walked over a bridge, she thought: "The sooner I die, the sooner my next life begins.” She decided to jump off the bridge right away. But incredibly Gwen didn't die! She fell on the back of a truck full of bananas; she lost her senses and fainted. As soon as she recovered, still drowsy and not being able to see very well, and not knowing where she was, she started feeling around. Touching all the bananas, she had a huge smile on her face and said: "GENTLEMEN, PLEASE!… ONE AT A TIME!"

 

[Foreigner]

Alzheimer's Test

How fast can you guess these words?

1. BOO_S

2 . _ _NDOM

3 . F_ _K

4 . P_N_S

5 . PU_S_

6 . S_X

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.


Answers:

1. BOOKS

2 . RANDOM

3 . FORK

4 . PANTS

5 . PULSE

6 . SIX


You got all 6 wrong ....didn't you?
Congratulation! You do NOT have an Alzheimer Problem. You have another problem!!

 

[straitman]

Another good one for "more mature' people! From the Australian Association of Retired People Questions and Answers


Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexywomen who are interested in them?

A: In a bookstoreunder "Fiction'


Q: What can a man do while his wife is going throughmenopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, youcan build a shed. When you're done you'll have a place to live.


Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.


Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.


Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car..


Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problemswith short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is nota problem, Retrieving it is the problem.


Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for spectacles?

A: On their foreheads.


Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus yearolds when they enter antique stores?

A: "Gosh, I remember these!"


SMILE, you've still got your sense of humour, RIGHT?