A bit of humour

[Major]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a
dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very
softly,
"May I ask what the turkey did?”

 

[Foreigner]

Louise went to her bank to cash a cheque. She looked so hesitant that the cashier went to help her. 'Please sign the back of the cheque, 'the teller told her, 'as you'd sign a letter.'

Louise looked extremely grateful, scribbled on the cheque and passed it back to the cashier.

Signed on the back was: "Yours affectionately, Louise."

 

[Foreigner]

Confucius says


[1] Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.


[2] Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.


[3] Better to be pissed off than pissed on.


[4] Boy who goes to sleep with stiff problem wakes up with solution in hand.


[5] Crowded elevator smell different to midget.


[6] Man who drives like hell, bound to get there.


[7] Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.


[8] Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.


[9] Man who fish in other man's well often catch coughs.


[10] Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants.

 

[Foreigner]

Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, a priest and three other men of the cloth swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked,

"You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"

"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "How did you know?"

"Easy," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language!"

 

[codash1099]

Edinburgh man Wullie McTavish is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, and is with the nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons.

"So", he says to them: "Bernie, I want you to take the Braid Hills houses."
​

"Sybil, take the flats over in Morningside and Bruntsfield."
​

"Tam, I want you to take the offices in Charlotte Square."
​

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings in the New Town."
​

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Wullie slips away, she says,
​

"Mrs. McTavish, your husband must have been such a hard working man to
​

have accumulated all this property".
​

Sarah replies, "Property? ... the bugger has a paper round!"

 

[Foreigner]

When you next read an academic paper, make sure you have this handy guide by your side.


"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.


"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.


"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"...
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.


"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.


"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.


"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.


"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once.


"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice.


"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice.


"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.


"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.


"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.


"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumour has it.


"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE
OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A really wild guess.


"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.


"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it....and I never will.


"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.


"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.


"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...
I am pleased to feed you this rubbish.

 

[Flashback]

When you next read an academic paper, make sure you have this handy guide by your side.


"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.


"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.


"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"...
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.


"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.


"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.


"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.


"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once.


"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice.


"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice.


"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.


"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.


"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.


"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumour has it.


"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE
OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A really wild guess.


"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.


"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it....and I never will.


"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.


"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.


"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...
I am pleased to feed you this rubbish.

How many of these appeared in your paper anat0l? :mrgreen:

 

[marki]

When you next read an academic paper, make sure you have this handy guide by your side.


"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.


"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.


"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"...
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.


"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.


"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.


"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.


"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once.


"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice.


"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice.


"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.


"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.


"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.


"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumour has it.


"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE
OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A really wild guess.


"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.


"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it....and I never will.


"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.


"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.


"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...
I am pleased to feed you this rubbish.

Love it will keep this handy when reading my next paper. And finally understand what I had been missing all along.... Common sense

 

[Foreigner]

A wife asked her husband to describe her.

He said, 'You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K'.

She said, 'What does that mean?'

He said, 'Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot'.

She said, 'Oh that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?'

He said, ' I'm Just Kidding'

 

[drewbles]

Not sure if anyone's seen this before but this is great:

http://frequentflyerlife.tumblr.com

I'm sure we can all relate to most of 'em

 

[drewbles]

Music bosses have unveiled a revolutionary new recording format
that they hope will help win the war on illegal file sharing
which is thought to be costing the industry millions of dollars
in lost revenue. Nicknamed the Record, the new format takes the
form of a black, vinyl disc measuring 12 inches in diameter,
which must be played on a specially designed turntable.

"We can state with absolute certainty that no computer in the
world can access the data on this disc," said spokesman Brett
Campbell. "We are also confident that no-one is going to be
able to produce pirate copies in this format without going to a
heck of a lot of trouble. This is without doubt the best anti-
piracy invention the music industry has ever seen." As part of
the invention's rigorous testing process, the designers gave
some discs to a group of teenage computer experts who regularly
use file swapping software such as Limewire and gnutella and
who admit to pirating music CDs.

Despite several days of trying, none of them were able to hack
into the disc's code or access any of the music files contained
within it. "It's like, really big and stuff," said Doug
Flamboise, one of the testers. "I couldn't get it into any of
my drives. I mean, what format is it? Is it, like, from France
or something?"

In the new format, raw audio data in the form of music is
encoded by physically etching grooves onto the vinyl disc. The
sound is thus translated into variations on the disc's surface
in a process that industry insiders are describing as
completely revolutionary and stunningly clever.

To decode the data stored on the disc, the listener must use a
special player which contains a stylus that runs along the
grooves on the record surface, reading the indentations and
transforming the movements back into audio that can be fed
through loudspeakers.

As rumours that a Taiwanese company has been secretly
developing a 12 inch wide, turntable -driven, stylus-based,
firewire drive remain unconfirmed, it would appear that the
music industry may, at last, have found the pirate-proof format
it has long been searching for....

Amazon.com: Ion TTUSB Turntable with USB Record: Electronics

They've been available for quite a while and, if I recall correctly, Aldi actually had them on sale for a week or two a few years back

 

[anat0l]

Not sure if anyone's seen this before but this is great:

FREQUENT FLYER LIFE

I'm sure we can all relate to most of 'em

Good call on the referral - some of them, pure genius.

You can see the USA slant in many of them - Smisek, $9 sandwiches, upgrade lists...

 

[drewbles]

Good call on the referral - some of them, pure genius.

You can see the USA slant in many of them - Smisek, $9 sandwiches, upgrade lists...

Yeah it's very US-centric (but I probably take around 80% of my flights in the USA anyway so they all make sense to me ).

 

[codash1099]

A Swiss guy visiting Sydney, Australia, pulls up at a bus stop where two locals are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.

The two Aussies just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries.

The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?"

No response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"

Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first Aussie turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

 

[codash1099]

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly: "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."


"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued "Before you talk to me about my student, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and ...."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.

Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary ..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

 

[Foreigner]

Two blokes are drinking in a bar.

One says, "Did you know that lions mate up to 15 times a night?"

"BUGGER !" says his friend. "And I just joined Rotary....."

 

[serfty]

Not sure if anyone's seen this before but this is great:

FREQUENT FLYER LIFE

I'm sure we can all relate to most of 'em

Good call on the referral - some of them, pure genius.

You can see the USA slant in many of them - Smisek, $9 sandwiches, upgrade lists...

Yeah it's very US-centric (but I probably take around 80% of my flights in the USA anyway so they all make sense to me ).

Fascinating, just spent 20 minutes going back and forward through them

Loved it - I can relate to most first hand (even the ORD light tunnel [I am BIS *G]) and the others I have full empathy for.

 

[drewbles]

Fascinating, just spent 20 minutes going back and forward through them

Loved it - I can relate to most first hand (even the ORD light tunnel [I am BIS *G]) and the others I have full empathy for.

The champagne one rings very true on VA. It's almost embarrassing sitting there drinking it as people stream past you and you hear them comment about how nice 'these seats look'.

 

[Foreigner]

Attending a union convention in Las Vegas a union lighting man decides to visit a bordello. He goes into the first place, the ladies are lovely, and he asks the Madam, "Is this a union establishment?"

"Why, no, it isn't," the Madam replies.

"Well," the Union Man asks, "what percentage of the take goes to the girl?"

"We split the money, 20 percent to the girl and 80 percent to the house."

Feeling that wasn't a fair split the man left and went to another establishment. Again he asked the same questions and received a similar response. Although not a union house the split rate at this one was 30 percent to the girl and 70 percent to the house.

He continued his trek for some time until, finally, he came upon a Union House. "That's wonderful," he says to the Madam, "and what's the split?"

"We give 80 percent to the girl and keep just 20 percent for the house."

The Man is overjoyed. "Fantastic," he says, finally satisfied. Immediately he spots an attractive young blonde and indicates her to the Madam. "I'd like to have her please," he declares.

"Oh, I'm sure you would," the Madam replies, but she instead redirects him to an aging, overweight woman in the corner, "but I'm afraid Ethel here has seniority."

 

[Foreigner]

.........