A bit of humour

[Flashback]

Piccolo Hotel Verona (Italy) - Hotel Reviews - TripAdvisor

All I can say is just read it. The hotel manager is an absolute hoot

 

[Major]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmac_, walked up to the Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."The Pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The Pharmacist's eyes grew big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give
you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll
throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You
CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with
the Pharmacist's wife.

The Pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

 

[eastwest101]

Ultimate troll: B.C. author Steven Galloway has the last laugh with a Facebook phisher.

You have to [FONT=Calibri,sans-serif]scroll down and read the thread of Facebook messages or read the entire PDF.....gotta read the whole thing though -its a bit epic....[/FONT]

 

[Foreigner]

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven . . Which part of your body goes first?"


Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."


"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"


Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."


"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.


Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it 's your legs."


The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.


"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"


Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!"


If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."


The nun fainted.

 

[Major]

Repent O Scottish Sinner...
There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Macgregor, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.


As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of their large building.

Smokey put in a bid, & because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding & setting up the planks & buying the paint & yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water...

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, & the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church, & knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by tell-tale puddles of the thinned & useless paint.


Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty,
so he got down on his knees & cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more .

 

[bass_ke]

So this is where Major hangs out!

 

[Foreigner]

An old man walked into a brothel one day and said to the madam, "I would really like a young girl for the night"


"How old are you then sir?" asked the madam.


"I am 98 years old and still going strong," cough, cough!


"Ninety Eight?!" said the madam, "Don't you realise that you've had it?"


"Oh, really?" replied the old man, "How much do I owe you?"

 

[Foreigner]

A new TV game show in Hollywood had many contestants who were beautiful, but they weren't necessarily too smart.

On one show, one such woman was extremely nervous, but tried to make the best of her performance.

The host asked, "Who was the first man, for one thousand dollars?"

She responded, "The first man was Peter, my postman, but he only paid me one hundred dollars!"

 

[straitman]

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher & a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee & to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard; a real challenge would be to bring religion to a bear.

One thing led to another & they decided to have a contest. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it & attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all met a hospital to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches & had various bandages on his body & limbs, went first. "Well" he said: "I went into the woods to find me a bear & when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me & began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him &, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb." The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion & confirmation.”

Reverend Billy Bob, the Baptist, spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm & both legs in casts & had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed: "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out & I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him & we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another & DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him & BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!"

The Priest & the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast & traction with IVs & monitors running in & out of him.
He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up & said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

 

[Foreigner]

It was a difficult case for the jurors. They had to decide whether the owners of the Bottoms Up Club in NYC were guilty of obscenity. The Judge decided that it would probably be best if the jury went to the club and see the allegedly obscene act.


The judge and the jury watched the act once, focusing on the part where a hot couple performed the "Dance of Love" with a climactic scene of lovemaking on a bearskin rug. The jury was unable to decide definitely whether it was obscene or not. So the jury members asked to see the act one more time. They watched it carefully again. But they still couldn't reach a decision. So this time they asked the understudies to perform the same act one more time.


Fortunately, the police involved in the case were very understanding. According to the Detective: "It is a difficult matter. The police have watched the show 75 times."

 

[Hvr]

This is not safe for work! NSFW!!!!

Nor if you are a prude.
[h=1]The Loophole by Garfunkel and Oates[/h]



The Loophole by Garfunkel and Oates - YouTube

 

[codash1099]

 

[Foreigner]

Suspect this may have been posted but anyway...




A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.


“This is exciting,” thought the gentleman. I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person. Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.


Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. This is fantastic, thought the gentleman. I’m really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he’ll ask me for assistance.


Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘u-n-t’?”


Only one word leapt to mind…my goodness, thought the gentleman, I can’t tell the Pope that. There must be another. The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, “I think you’re looking for the word ‘aunt’.”


“Ah, of course,” said the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

 

[Foreigner]

A real-estate agent was driving around with a new trainee when she spotted a charming little farmhouse with a hand-lettered "For Sale" sign out front.


After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room, opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets and pointing out where a "new light fixture here and a little paint there" would help. Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman was hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing.


"Ma'am," the man said, "I appreciate the home-improvement tips and all, but I think you read my sign wrong. It says, "HORSE For Sale."

 

[Foreigner]

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.

Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.

I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing nonstop.

When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of expensive perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.

It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

And believe me Mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!"

 

[Foreigner]

In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.
The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.
They tested him.
They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said,
"It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."
"That’s correct", said the boss.
Another glass.
"It’s red wine , cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels."
"Correct."
The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary to suggest something.
She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.
"It’s a blond, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month.
And if you don’t give me the job, I’ll tell who’s the father!"

 

[Foreigner]

Three men were taking a trip on a plane. When they get on the pilot tells the passengers not to throw anything out of the windows. The plane lifts off and they're on their way. On the plane the first man finds a pencil and wondering what to do with it. He is told by one of the other men to throw it out the window, so he does. Then the second guy finished his apple and wondering how to get rid of the core. He asks the other two men, they tell him to throw it out the window, so he does. Next the third man finds a grenade! Panicking he throws it out the window.

After the plane had landed the three men were walking down the street when they came across a guy holding his eye. The three men asked him what happened, he said he had looked up in the sky and a pencil fell and hit him in the eye. So the three men continued down the street and they come across a man holding his head, the three ask him what's wrong? The man says that he was walking down the street and an apple core fell on his head! Feeling a little strange the men continue down the street when they come across a man holding his stomach laughing his head off! The three ask him what's so funny? The man replies, I farted and that building exploded!

 

[straitman]

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.

Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, have some good food, a little wine, and companionship. She goes Tuesdays and I go on Fridays.

We sleep in separate beds, hers in Sydney and mine in Melbourne.

I take my wife everywhere but she keeps finding her way back. I asked her where she wanted to go for out anniversary, "Somewhere I haven't been for a long time", she said. I suggested the kitchen.

We always hold hands because if I let her go she shops. She has an electric blender, an electric toaster and an electric bread maker. When she said she had too many gadgets but nowhere to sit down, I bought her an electric chair.

Remember that marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage. I married Miss Right, I just didn't know that her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to her for 18 months as I don't like to interrupt her. The last time we had a fight it was my fault. She asked "What's on TV?" and I said "Dust".

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman and since then, neither God nor man has rested.

 

[Foreigner]

Three pregnant women are sitting in a cafe having lunch, when one of them says, "I know that I'm going to have a boy."

The other two women think about that for a moment, and then one of them says, "OK, how do you know you're going to have a boy?"

"Well, when the child was conceived," says the first women, "I was on top. So I'm going to have a boy."

They sit and eat for a few minutes more, and then the second woman says, "Well, I'm going to have a girl."

"OK," says the first one, "how do you know you're going to have a girl?"

"Well, when my child was conceived, I was on the bottom. So I'm going to have a girl."

They sit and eat for a few minutes more, the third woman obviously getting more and more distressed, until finally she breaks down into horrible sobbing?

"What's wrong, what's wrong?" the first two women ask with concern.

The third woman manages to stifle her sobs long enough to only say one thing.... "I'm going to have a puppy!"

 

[codash1099]

Music bosses have unveiled a revolutionary new recording format
that they hope will help win the war on illegal file sharing
which is thought to be costing the industry millions of dollars
in lost revenue. Nicknamed the Record, the new format takes the
form of a black, vinyl disc measuring 12 inches in diameter,
which must be played on a specially designed turntable.

"We can state with absolute certainty that no computer in the
world can access the data on this disc," said spokesman Brett
Campbell. "We are also confident that no-one is going to be
able to produce pirate copies in this format without going to a
heck of a lot of trouble. This is without doubt the best anti-
piracy invention the music industry has ever seen." As part of
the invention's rigorous testing process, the designers gave
some discs to a group of teenage computer experts who regularly
use file swapping software such as Limewire and gnutella and
who admit to pirating music CDs.

Despite several days of trying, none of them were able to hack
into the disc's code or access any of the music files contained
within it. "It's like, really big and stuff," said Doug
Flamboise, one of the testers. "I couldn't get it into any of
my drives. I mean, what format is it? Is it, like, from France
or something?"

In the new format, raw audio data in the form of music is
encoded by physically etching grooves onto the vinyl disc. The
sound is thus translated into variations on the disc's surface
in a process that industry insiders are describing as
completely revolutionary and stunningly clever.

To decode the data stored on the disc, the listener must use a
special player which contains a stylus that runs along the
grooves on the record surface, reading the indentations and
transforming the movements back into audio that can be fed
through loudspeakers.

As rumours that a Taiwanese company has been secretly
developing a 12 inch wide, turntable -driven, stylus-based,
firewire drive remain unconfirmed, it would appear that the
music industry may, at last, have found the pirate-proof format
it has long been searching for....