A bit of humour

[straitman]

Joke of the year:

Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.

 

[anat0l]

Re: Joke of the year:

Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.

Hmmm.... subtly humorous

 

[Foreigner]

Re: Joke of the year:

Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.

Que?
............

 

[Flashback]

Re: Joke of the year:

Que?
............

Well, it's very unlikely to happen ... 'innit

 

[codash1099]

Re: Joke of the year:

Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick
O'Reilly wandered by. "Help!" Paddy shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!"

"Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the
strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there." Mick
leaned out and grabbed Paddy's hand and pulled and pulled to no
avail.

After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Paddy, "Shure,
an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe,
but Oi'll have to get some help."

As Mick was leaving, Paddy called, "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will
help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?"

 

[Major]

Re: Joke of the year:

Passenger in 1st Class, to a Sexy Gorgeous Air Hostess:
What is your name?
Hostess: Angela Benz, Sir!
Passenger: Lovely name, Any relation with Mercedes Benz?
Hostess: “Yes Sir, Same price “

 

[Major]

Re: Joke of the year:

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat, and one says to the other,
"I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling, "Hotdogs, get your dogs here," and they both walk towards the hot dogcart.

"Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over.
Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior is first to open hers.
She begins to blush, and then, after staring at it for a moment, leans
to the other nun and in a soft brogue whispers,

"What part did you get?"

 

[mrs.dr.ron]

Re: Joke of the year:

Seen on T shirts on our recent trip in the USA =

" I KNOW JUST ENOUGH TO BE DANGEROUS "

" IF ONLY CLOSED MINDS CAME WITH CLOSED MOUTHS "

" CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF NO ONE OWES YOU ANYTHING "

and my fave " EVERYONE IS BORN RIGHT HANDED ONLY THE GIFTED OVERCOME IT "

 

[Foreigner]

Re: Joke of the year:



.........

 

[Major]

Re: Joke of the year:

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.


"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"


He slams the door and returns to bed.


"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.


"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloomin'well pouring with rain out there!"


"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?


I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
"God loves drunk people too you know."


The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.


He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"


"Yes," comes back the answer.


"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.


"Where are you?" asks the husband.


"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk

 

[whatmeworry]

Re: Joke of the year:

http://www.negpoz.com/30-whitest-family-photos-time/

 

[whatmeworry]

Re: Joke of the year:

For any of you thinking of dining in Footscray.

 

[Foreigner]

Re: Joke of the year:



.........

 

[QF WP]

Re: Joke of the year:

That sounds like the EU and Portugal/Greece/Spain situation

I am glad I don’t have a hand bag: How Not To Instagram - Safeshare.TV

 

[Foreigner]

Re: Joke of the year:



.........

 

[Hvr]

Re: Joke of the year:

Maybe a bit too much truth to be humour?

 

[Foreigner]

Re: Joke of the year:

The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were often short-tempered. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.

Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."

Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate."

The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."

Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop."

 

[medhead]

Re: Joke of the year:

The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were often short-tempered. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.

Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."

Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate."

The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."

Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop."

The punch line that I've heard for that included "I just dropped something off" as well.

 

[Foreigner]

Re: Joke of the year:

Joe was a house keeper who had this habit of drinking from his boss’s liquor bottle and replacing it with water. The boss, James, did suspect him but tolerated it for a while. But when this became a daily routine, James decided to do something to trap Joe.

Accordingly, James replaced his drink with a French wine which changed color when water was added to it. Joe, not aware of the trap, took a few swigs and added water as usual. The wine changed color from red to milky white. Joe realized he was in for trouble but was determined to get out of it.

James told his wife about Joe’s misdoings and that he would make Joe accept his follies. So he shouted: “Joe? “

Joe answered from the kitchen: “Yes boss?”

James: “Who drank my wine and added water in the bottle?” There was no answer from the kitchen. The boss repeated the question, still no answer. The angry boss marched to the kitchen and threatened Joe, “What the hell is going on? When I call your name you respond with ‘Yes Boss’ and when I ask you a question, you remain silent. What impertinence?”

Joe said: “It is like this. In the kitchen, you can hear only your name being called. You don’t hear anything else that is said, I swear.”

James: “How is that possible? All right, I will prove you wrong. You stay right here in the hall with Madam, I will go to the kitchen and you ask me a question, OK?” So the boss went to the kitchen.

Joe shouted: “Boss?”

Boss: “Yes Joe?"

Joe: “Who becomes intimate with the maid in Madam’s absence?”

Silence - no reply.

Joe again: “Who made the maid pregnant?”

No reply.

Joe, yet again: “And who arranged for her abortion?”

James came running from the kitchen and said: “By George, you are right. When one is in kitchen, one can’t hear anything but one’s name. That’s strange!”

 

[Major]

Re: Joke of the year:

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the 'Antiques Roadshow'.

"Ooh...!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced

by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated

in London at the turn of last century.

Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition....?

"...Sticks....?" Paddy replied.