A bit of humour

[Major]

Re: Joke of the year:

Just a thought from another senior

The computer swallowed Grandma,
Yes, honestly it’s true!
She pressed 'control and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.
It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.
In desperation, I asked Mr. Google
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online.'
So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy, Scan' and 'Paste' her,
And send her back to me.

 

[Foreigner]

Re: Joke of the year:



.........

 

[Major]

Re: Joke of the year:

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled Down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,

"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"

"Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde,
gave me a strange look and said,


Why don't you just put it in 'Park'?"

 

[Foreigner]

Re: Joke of the year:

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

 

[Major]

Re: Joke of the year:

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and
examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked
if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied...

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts
for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is
underweight. You don't have any milk.'

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'

 

[Foreigner]

Re: Joke of the year:



.........

 

[Foreigner]

Re: Joke of the year:

A bus load of tourists arrives at Runnymede. They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."

A fellow at the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"

"1215," answers the guide.

The man looks at his watch and says, "Damn! Just missed it by a half hour!"

 

[Major]

Re: Joke of the year:

A pirate walked into a bar, and the publican said,
"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.."

The publican replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook?
What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them cough in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the publican.
"You couldn't lose an eye just from bird cough - surely."

"It was my first day with the hook."

 

[Major]

Re: Joke of the year:

In Australia, the curbside garbage carts are called "wheelie bins."
A garbage collector is driving along a Sydney street picking up the wheelie bins and
Emptying them into his rubbish truck.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out. In the spirit of kindness
And after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck, goes to
The front door and knocks.
There's no answer.
Being a conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder. Eventually, a Japanese
Man comes to the door.
"Harro!" says the Japanese man.
"G'day mate, where's ya' bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toilet," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.
"No mate, where's ya' dust bin?"
"I dust been to toilet, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.
"Listen," says the garbage collector. "You're misunderstanding me. I mean,
where's ya' wheelie bin?'"
"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the
Collector's' ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!!!"

 

[Foreigner]

Mr. Wilkins, an elderly gentleman was reading his recovery-room record at the hospital where he was admitted.

When the doctor arrived for the routine check-up, Mr Wilkins seemed to be quite concerned at one notation.

"I know I was in a bit of a mess, but I didn't realize I was that bad," he said to the doctor apologetically. "I hope I didn't offend anyone."

He was immensely comforted when the doctor explained the acronym in question meant "Short Of Breath" and not what he thought (S.O.B.).

 

[Foreigner]

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."

 

[amaroo]

Old men can still think fast.
[TABLE="class: ecxMsoNormalTable, width: 100%"]
[TR]
[TD="width: 100%"]
TRESPASSERS……….



For several years, an elderly man had owned a large farm in the Atherton Tablelands.
There was a substantial pond in the back. It was ideal for swimming, so he fixed it up nicely
with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
But not having viewed it for some time, one evening the old farmer decided to wander down and look it over.
He grabbed a twenty litre bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
When he had made the women aware of his presence, they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding up the bucket, he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile...'
Some old men can still think fast. [/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

 

[Foreigner]

Miss Patricia decided to start her class with a new assignment, so she began writing furiously on the blackboard. The assignment being a big one, she had to stretch herself to write from the top of the board.

She heard a chuckle and instantly recognized the voice. She turned around and demanded, "What did you find so funny, Jerry?"

Jerry replied, "I just saw one of your garters."

Miss Patricia thundered, "Get out of my class this very moment and I don't want to see your face for a full week."

She turned back to writing on the blackboard. She had omitted to write the title of the chapter due to the distraction, so she stretched harder to scribble on the top of the board. A louder giggle echoed in the room and she quickly turned around to ask, "Will you share the joke with the class, Mike?"

Mike replied sheepishly, "I just saw both of your garters."

She shouted, "Get out of my class. And stay out for a month."

Embarrassed by the happenings, she dropped the marker and as she bent over to pick it up, Miss Patricia heard loud laughter. As she prepared herself for another round of firing, she noticed Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you are going, young man?" Miss Patricia boomed.

"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."
​

 

[Major]

The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow

b) Thrush,

c) Magpie,

d) Cuckoo?"


"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,


''So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ...."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and
repeated the question to him.

"Hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple ... it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"

"I'm surely sure... ! "

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is."

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed,
"Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"

The next night, Mick went down to Paddy's pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

...and Paddy said "Because, ya damn fool,... it lives in a clock!"

 

[codash1099]

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.

"Magic Beer", he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"

"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window.

The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again." He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 3 stories and breaks several bones in her body.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real a##hole when you're drunk."

 

[Foreigner]

.........

 

[straitman]

An American decided to write a book about
 famous churches around the world.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to 
Orlando, thinking that he would start by working 
his way across the USA from South to North.
 On his first day he was inside a church taking 
photographs, when he noticed a golden telephone 
mounted on the wall with a sign that read 
'$10,000 per call'.

 The American, being intrigued, asked a priest 
who was strolling by, what the telephone was 
used for.



The priest replied that it was a direct line to 
heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to 
God.

 The American thanked the priest and went along
his way.
 


Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large
 cathedral, he saw the same looking golden 
telephone with the same sign under it.
 He wondered if this was the same kind of
 telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a 
nearby nun what its purpose was.

 She told him that it was a direct line to heaven
 and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
 'O.K., thank you,' said the American.



He then travelled all across America, Europe, 
England, Japan , New Zealand . In every church he
 saw the same looking golden telephone, with the
same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it.
 


The American decided to travel to Australia to see 
if Australians had the same phone.

 He arrived at Newcastle in Australia and again,
in the first church he entered, there was the same 
looking golden telephone, but this time the sign 
under it read, '40 cents per call.'



The American was surprised, so he asked the 
priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all
over the world and I've seen this same golden
telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a
 direct line to Heaven, but in all of them, the price was 
$10,000 per call. 

Why is it so cheap here?'


The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in
 Australia now, son – "This is Heaven," so it's a 
local call'.

 KEEP SMILING
 If you are proud to be an Aussie pass this on!

 

[anat0l]

An American decided to write a book about
 famous churches around the world.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to 
Orlando, thinking that he would start by working 
his way across the USA from South to North.
 On his first day he was inside a church taking 
photographs, when he noticed a golden telephone 
mounted on the wall with a sign that read 
'$10,000 per call'.

 The American, being intrigued, asked a priest 
who was strolling by, what the telephone was 
used for.



The priest replied that it was a direct line to 
heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to 
God.

 The American thanked the priest and went along
his way.
 


Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large
 cathedral, he saw the same looking golden 
telephone with the same sign under it.
 He wondered if this was the same kind of
 telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a 
nearby nun what its purpose was.

 She told him that it was a direct line to heaven
 and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
 'O.K., thank you,' said the American.



He then travelled all across America, Europe, 
England, Japan , New Zealand . In every church he
 saw the same looking golden telephone, with the
same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it.
 


The American decided to travel to Australia to see 
if Australians had the same phone.

 He arrived at Newcastle in Australia and again,
in the first church he entered, there was the same 
looking golden telephone, but this time the sign 
under it read, '40 cents per call.'



The American was surprised, so he asked the 
priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all
over the world and I've seen this same golden
telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a
 direct line to Heaven, but in all of them, the price was 
$10,000 per call. 

Why is it so cheap here?'


The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in
 Australia now, son – "This is Heaven," so it's a 
local call'.

 KEEP SMILING
 If you are proud to be an Aussie pass this on!

Ah this one does the rounds, too. Except some like to replace "Australia" with "New Zealand".

 

[penegal]

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in
 Australia now, son – "This is Heaven," so it's a 
local call'.

 KEEP SMILING
 If you are proud to be an Aussie pass this on!

I am not sure NTL is heaven, but there you go

 

[whatmeworry]

Ketut no!