A bit of humour

[Geegeela]

Irrefutable Proof: Just goes to show you...

View attachment 23865

…that a good woman can bring balance and stability to your life.

And this good woman will float your boat.

 

[Cruiser Elite]

To Wash a Cat

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl...

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. At this point the cat will self-agitate & make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this!

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'Power-Wash' and 'Rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.



Yours Sincerely,
The Dog

 

[codash1099]

[FONT=&quot]Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy
was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear. "What's the
matter?" Jack asked.

"I've been transferred to Detroit, there's crazy people there. They've got
lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the
highest crime rate."

Jack replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the
media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enrol
your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the
world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been
worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word
for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack, "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck." [/FONT]

 

[codash1099]

[FONT=&quot] A new report suggests that being overweight is not as
harmful as is commonly believed, and actually confers
some surprising benefits.

Being five to ten pounds overweight could protect
people from ailments ranging from tuberculosis to
Alzheimer's disease, research indicates. Those carrying
15 to 25 extra pounds are better able to recover from
adverse conditions such as emphysema, pneumonia, and
various injuries and infections, states the report.

Thirty to forty pounds of flab could help fend off
breast, kidney, pancreatic, prostate, and colon cancer.
And an extra fifty pounds on the scale may improve eye-
sight, reverse baldness, cure the common cold, and
reduce global warming.

In general, the report concludes, overweight people
are happier, more successful in business, smarter, and
friendlier.

The study was funded by a research grant from McDonald's,
Burger King, Jack in the Box, Taco Bell, Domino's Pizza,
Starbucks, Haagen Daz, Sara Lee, and Krispy Kreme.[/FONT]

 

[anat0l]

Nerd humour thanks to xkcd.

One for the programmers.

An interesting idea.

That was easy.

A war as prevalent as vi vs emacs, Windows vs Mac, soft tacos vs hard shell tacos...

The "mother of all suspicious files"...

A rather big one to follow, so I won't hot link it... but basically what other stars in our galaxy would be picking up if Earth pop culture finally arrived on their planets: http://xkcd.com/1212/large/

Is it worth the time and effort?

Finally, another one for the programmers... (and programmers in learning...)

 

[codash1099]

[FONT=&quot]
An investment counsellor decided to go out on her own.
She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming
in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an
in-house counsel. She began to interview young
lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off
with one of the first applicants, "in a business like
this, our personal integrity must be beyond question."
She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest
lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you
something about honest.

Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for
my education, and I paid back every penny the minute
I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued
me for the money."[/FONT]

 

[Hvr]

An 82-year-old man called Morris goes to the doctor to get a physical.


A few days later, the doctor notices Morris walking down the street laughing and chatting with a drop-dead gorgeous young woman on his arm.


At their next appointment, a week later, the doc says: ''You're really doing great, aren't you?''


''Just doing what you said, Doc,'' Morris replies. ''Get a hot mamma and be cheerful …''


''I didn't say that,'' Doc interrupts. ''I said, ''You've got a heart murmur; be careful.''

Read more: Prince Charles lets CAN'T do supporters down
​

I think Morris' idea was better.

 

[QF WP]

HISTORY OF THE FAMOUS MIDDLE FINGER

Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified.

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and they began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'


And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing .

 

[Major]

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.

"Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one.."

The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.

Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm Satan, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you, "the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."

 

[Doug_Westcott]

My travel plans for 2014

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

 

[codash1099]

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year-old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumour had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumour was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy, the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the banker. Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?" Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."

Don't ever underestimate us old geezers.

 

[codash1099]

Top Ten Reasons to Procrastinate

10.

 

[Major]

A secretary got an expensive pen as a gift from her boss.

She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email.

Bosses wife read the email and filed for divorce.

The email says:

"Your cough wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extra ordinary smooth flow, and a firm stroke. Initially its tip had to be licked to bring it to working order. I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in heaven when using it. I've always desired it and you fulfilled my wish. Thanks a lot"

Moral: A "space" is an essential part in English

 

[QF WP]

It all began with an iPhone...
March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?



I celebrated my birthday in July and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.



Our daughter's birthday was in August so we got her an iPod Touch.



My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon.



It was around then that the fight started..

What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean. This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.



I should be out of the hospital next week!!
iHurt

 

[mrs.dr.ron]

iLike :shock:

 

[anat0l]

Real life humour:

Just disembarked the ferry. On the way off, I waited for a family - Mum, Dad, daughter and so - to move off first. Dad and daughter were hand in hand and the daughter was just saying, "blah blah blah..." and so on without stopping. We all looked at her and thought "how cute".

Dad noticed us and remarked, "She takes after her mother."

 

[Major]

Real life humour:

Just disembarked the ferry. On the way off, I waited for a family - Mum, Dad, daughter and so - to move off first. Dad and daughter were hand in hand and the daughter was just saying, "blah blah blah..." and so on without stopping. We all looked at her and thought "how cute".

Dad noticed us and remarked, "She takes after her mother."

A very brave remark IMHO

 

[anat0l]

A very brave remark IMHO

Perhaps.

Here's a slightly more moderate real life humour. Taken from outside a bar in New Farm:

 

[JohnK]

Dad noticed us and remarked, "She takes after her mother."

Are they still married?

 

[codash1099]

Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready.

"I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it's the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others." he is told by the doorman (say his name is Pete).

Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss. So Pete leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants.

"See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!"

"Why that's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss literature!"

"And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!"

"Why that's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss mathematics!"

"And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!"

"That's wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theatre!"

Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it.

"I'm your last room mate and I'm sorry, but my IQ is only 80."

Albert smiles back at him and says, "So, where do you think interest rates are headed?"