A bit of humour

[Major]

Paddy was a youthful and hardworking Irishman at a coastal village in Ireland.
Daily he would pole a heavy old punt out to sea then work a heavy iron grapple to bring up the sand oysters which he sold to the local ice works. He was a man of regular habits he always arrived home each day at a certain time.
Sadly, Paddy did not realise the heavy grappling was taking a toll on a faulty heart.
One day he failed to come home, so his wife contacted the police to investigate him being missing.
They rowed out and found Paddy dead in the punt. Beside him a huge grapple full of oysters he'd tried to hoist aboard.
Headlines next day in the 'Irish Times Newspaper' said........................................






OYSTERS KILPATRICK !!!!

 

[anat0l]

From the Today Show Australia archives...


Astronomer, guest on the show: [Talking about the Voyager spacecraft leaving the solar system] "Can you think of anything you've got in your home that is still working without maintenance after 35 years?"
Karl Stefanovic: [without missing a beat] "My wife?"

 

[codash1099]

A bloke was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face.

'Who's he?' said the bloke.

'That's the Memory Man.' Said the bartender. 'He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.'

So the bloke goes over thinking 'He won't know about English football.' 'Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?' he asks.

'Liverpool' replies the Memory Man.'

Who did they beat?'

'Leeds' was the reply.'

And the score?' '2-1'

Who scored the winning goal?'

'Ian St. John' was the old man's reply.

The bloke was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he got back.

A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled.

Because he was so impressed the bloke decided to greet The Indian in his native tongue. He approached him with the Red Indian greeting 'How?'

The Memory man replied: 'Diving header in the six yard box.'

 

[drewbles]

A friend sent me this. Took me a minute to get

 

[codash1099]

A friend sent me this. Took me a minute to get

You're crackers!

 

[marki]

Clever flight attendant

A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Qantas from Sydney to
Auckland.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and
asked,
"If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big
planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight
attendant.
So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant, "If
big dogs have baby dogs,
and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The boy said, "Yes, she did".

"Well then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because
Qantas always pulls out on time,
and ask her to explain that to you."

 

[marki]

This has got to catch on

 

[Cynicor]

View attachment 24581

This has got to catch on

Now I can see it, wouldn't load til I quoted it

 

[codash1099]

A knockout blonde, waiting by the first tee at the Hollybrook Golf and Tennis Club for her lesson from the golf pro, watched a foursome of senior men tee off.

The first man hit it 230 yards, straight down the middle of the fairway.

"Nice shot," said the blonde.

"Not bad, considering my impediment," replied the golfer.

"What do you mean?"

"I have a glass eye."

"I don't believe you," said the blonde. "Show me."

He popped out his glass eye and showed it to her.

The second golfer hit it 240 yards, straight down the middle of the fairway.

"Good shot," said the blonde.

"Not bad, considering my impediment," replied the second golfer.

"You, too?" said the blonde. "What's wrong with you?"

"I have a prosthetic arm," said the golfer.

"I don't believe you," said the blonde. "Show me."

So he screwed off his arm and showed it to her.

The third golfer hit a 250-yard drive down the middle.

"Great shot," said the blonde.

"Not bad, considering my impediment."

"Another? What's your impediment?"

"Prosthetic leg," said the golfer.

"No way," said the blonde. "Show me."

So the golfer screwed off his leg and showed it to her.

The fourth golfer hit a beauty, 260 yards, straight as a string. "Now that's a shot," said the blonde. "I suppose you have an impediment, too?"

"Yep," said the golfer. "Artificial heart."

"What? I don't believe you! Show me."

"I can't show you here in the open," he said. "Let's go over there, behind the Pro Shop."

They did, but when they hadn't returned after fifteen minutes, his partners peered around behind the Pro Shop to see what was keeping him. And there he was -- screwing his heart out.

 

[marki]

Its a bit Cryptic but fun to read:


​

Police: Where do you live?
Me: with my parents
Police: where does your parents live?
Me: with me
Police: where do you all live?
Me: together
Police: where is your house?
Me: Next to my neighbors house
Police: Where is your neighbors house?
Me: If i tell u, u won't believe me.
Police: Tell me.
Me: Next to my house.

 

[Major]

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.

The wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.

The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'

 

[Major]

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend
trip to Louisiana.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and
the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up,
having a great time, when one of them realized she
hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She
decided to go up and investigate..

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the
Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road,
clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles..
The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here?
We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...

'YEAH SURE, YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER' !!

 

[Ikara]

With the recent announcement by airlines of charges for checked luggage, overweightand over sized luggage, etc., this video from the past could be what airtravelers will experience in the near future. Carol Burnett, HarveyKorman and Tim Conway were not only the best, but ahead of their time!
Happy flying!


Click here: http://www.youtube.com/v/QCz8he36hsk%26hl%3den%22

JB

 

[markis10]

Well its an answer!

 

[Major]

A six year old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room ......

"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog - because my mother said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney Land!

 

[amaroo]

Hilarious and very TRUE!!

Must Watch: How to be a road biker

 

[Major]

I was visiting my daughter last night when
I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century," she said.

"We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad."

I can tell you this. That fly never knew what hit him.

 

[markis10]

Hmm, not going to comment

 

[anat0l]

I was visiting my daughter last night when
I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century," she said.

"We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad."

I can tell you this. That fly never knew what hit him.

You can't roll up an iPad, though.

Also, you can't use it to wrap up fish and chips.

 

[alieninperth]

pretty sure they have an app for that though.