A bit of humour

[Maca44]

This will give you a laugh, and don't how Hugh Jackman and Kate Winslet do it without laughing. There is no nudity.
http://www.toilette-humor.com/funny_adult_videos/the_blind_date.shtml

 

[Foreigner]

Two Kiwis are sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.
As yet the store isn't ready...only a few shelves are set up.
One says to the other, "I bet any minute now some tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."
No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious bloke walks to the window, has a peek, and in a Aussie accent asks, "What're yer sellin' here MATE?"
One of the men replies, "We're selling coughholes here mate."
Without missing a beat, the Aussie says, "Geez, you must have had a bloody good day, you've only got two left!"

 

[codash1099]

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell
rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall coughroach
was standing there. The coughroach immediately punched
him between the eyes and scampered off.

The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the
doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the
coughroach was there again. This time, it punched him,
kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.

The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the
doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the coughroach
was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him
several times before running off. The gravely injured
man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an
ambulance.

He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his
life.

The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He
asked the man what happened, so the man explained about
the 6 foot coughroach's attacks, culminating in the near
fatal stabbing.

The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Yes, there's
a nasty bug going around."

 

[codash1099]

This will give you a laugh, and don't how Hugh Jackman and Kate Winslet do it without laughing. There is no nudity.
http://www.toilette-humor.com/funny_adult_videos/the_blind_date.shtml

Comes from a widely panned movie called "Movie 43"

Movie 43 (2013) - IMDb

 

[Foreigner]

This is from an actual trial in the UK:

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her, she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition.
She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.
She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.
Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner.
His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant.
She sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'.
I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick'.
Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'

 

[codash1099]

A controversy is raging this morning in the French Academy of Science
between factions of zoologists and palaeontologists, The argument centres
on the identification of a fossil skull found by student naturalists
doing field work near the northern French village of D’Eau-Remy.

The more conservative scientists hold the majority position that the
skull is from an extinct species of Ape similar to the Barbary ape of
Gibraltar, which is the last living primate still found in Europe.
Spokesman for this opinion, Dr. Luke Monand of the University of Lyons,
stated that many types of primate roamed what is now Italy and Spain
about five million years ago, and it has long been theorized that some
may have even travelled as far as the Franco-German border.

The lesser-held but more spectacular view stated by Auguste Delacorde
of the Natural History Museum of Paris declares that the skull is from
neither ape nor man and accepts the find as positive proof of the
existence of the legendary monster known to the ancient Frankish tribes
as “Tit-dos” (pronounced tee-doe), in many ways similar to the North
American Sasquatch and the Tibetan Yeti.

The task of identifying the fossil has been given to Dr. Hardy Froliche
of the Museum of Life (Musee de la Vie) in Geneva and Isabel Deschamps
of the French Academy, both noted palaeontologists.

The European scientific community is now waiting the answer to one of
the most unusual problems ever encountered.

Did the skull belong to a well-travelled ape or is the D’Eau-Remi fossil
a Tit-dos?

 

[Foreigner]

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.
His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for "small," $6500 for "medium," and $14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite rejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

 

[Foreigner]

A young unmarried girl discovers that she is pregnant. Scared, She confides this 'news' to her mother.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did This to you?
I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the Problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family Situation, but I'll take responsibility. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You can try again !"

 

[Foreigner]

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her.
For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"






Two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another as the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, " Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration' , she answered "Yes. Yes, I will."
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart. " Then, she continued, "I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

 

[Foreigner]

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."
"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."
"He died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck?"
"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."



A Husband said to his wife one day "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time ,"
The wife responded ," Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to yo!"



"What's wrong?" his concerned friend asks.
"It's my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!"
"You mean hysterical," his friend said, chuckling.
"No, I mean HISTORICAL," the man insists. "Every argument we have, she'll go "I still remember that time when you ...."

 

[SeatBackForward]

Did the skull belong to a well-travelled ape or is the D’Eau-Remi fossil
a Tit-dos?

That will bring us back too...

 

[wunala]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'







​

 

[serfty]

That will bring us back too...

 

[codash1099]

That took you all a while.

 

[Foreigner]

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway.







Blondie walks into the police department looking for a job. The captain says they can't just turn her away, and orders to desk officer to ask her a few questions as if doing an interview.


Not having any idea what to ask her to disqualify her application, the officer asks, "What's 2+2?"


"Ummm... 4!" Blondie says.


Dang, the officer thinks, so tries a harder one: "What's the square root of 100?"


"Ummm... 10!" Blondie says.


"Good!" the officer says, deciding to switch from math to history. "OK, who killed Abraham Lincoln?"


"Ummm... I don't know," she admits.


"Well, you can go home and think about it," he says, "and come back later and tell me what you've figured out." He figures that's the last he'll see of her.


Blondie goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.


"Not only did I get the job," Blondie says, "but I've already been assigned to a murder case!"

 

[Foreigner]

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. "
The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

 

[Foreigner]

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from New York, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.


The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.


The third man had married a Tennessee girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

 

[codash1099]

He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.
He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear, “Just relax.”
Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn’t care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.
When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking ‘no’ for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say ...
“Okay, ma’am, you can board your flight now.”

 

[codash1099]

The wife was counting all the 10 and 20 penny coins out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.

I thought to myself, “She’s going through the change.”

 

[Foreigner]

"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both.
"The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north."
"What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer.
"The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."






A man accused of theft was appearing before the Judge.
"Your Honor," his lawyer said, "I feel it is very unfair for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in this city only a few days ago and barely knows his way around. What's more, he is only able to speak a few words of English."
The judge looked sternly at the defendant and asked, "How much English do you speak?"
The defendant looked up and replied, "Give me your wallet!"






An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "No."


The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."