A bit of humour
- Thread starter Maca44
- Start date
marki
Established Member
- Joined
- Feb 11, 2010
- Posts
- 3,424
- Qantas
- Platinum 1
- Virgin
- Gold
- Oneworld
- Emerald
- SkyTeam
- Elite
- Star Alliance
- Silver
Too soon ...... Anyway his name would on the passenger manifest!
mrs.dr.ron
Established Member
- Joined
- Jun 17, 2010
- Posts
- 2,217
Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:-
Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
*The survey was a complete failure because:*
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
And in Australia, New Zealand and Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
The only question asked was:-
Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
*The survey was a complete failure because:*
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
And in Australia, New Zealand and Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
- Joined
- Jun 27, 2007
- Posts
- 10,761
- Qantas
- LT Gold
There were a few of these kinds of stories on 9/11. I.e. men who said they were at work and when their wife rang them said no nothing wrong...
mrs.dr.ron
Established Member
- Joined
- Jun 17, 2010
- Posts
- 2,217
My travel plans for 2014
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.
Flashback
Enthusiast
- Joined
- Oct 29, 2006
- Posts
- 13,047
As per TOTT....
A blonde canvassed a wealthy neighborhood looking for odd jobs. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had anything for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
"How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her the paint was in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
A blonde canvassed a wealthy neighborhood looking for odd jobs. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had anything for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
"How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her the paint was in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
- Joined
- Apr 27, 2003
- Posts
- 18,611
- Qantas
- LT Gold
- Virgin
- Platinum
AN RAAF Group Captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Group Captain decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A Wing Commander chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.
A Squadron Leader said it was 50-50%.
A Flight Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Group Captain turned to the Corporal who was in charge of making the coffee. What was his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Corporal responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The Group Captain was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent.
God Bless the lower ranks.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Group Captain decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A Wing Commander chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.
A Squadron Leader said it was 50-50%.
A Flight Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Group Captain turned to the Corporal who was in charge of making the coffee. What was his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Corporal responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The Group Captain was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent.
mrs.dr.ron
Established Member
- Joined
- Jun 17, 2010
- Posts
- 2,217
- Joined
- Apr 27, 2003
- Posts
- 18,611
- Qantas
- LT Gold
- Virgin
- Platinum
Subject: Australian History
Definitely penned by a “conservative” and probably a pom as noted below.
I think this might have been written by a Pom, because "Labour" hasn't been misspelt as "Labor".
Australian History ( totally unbiased view of course)
Australians originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters and gatherers.
They lived on kangaroos and emus on the plains during the summer and would then go to the coast and live on fish and oysters in the winter.
The two most important events in all Aussie history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.
These were the foundation of modern Aussie civilisation and together were the catalyst for the splitting of Australians into two distinct sub-groups:
1. Liberals, and
2. Labour.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture.
Neither the glass bottle nor aluminium can were invented so while our early Aussies were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.
That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night, while they were drinking beer.
This was the beginning of what is known as the Liberal movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned to live off the Liberals by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, hair dressing and other jobs normally carried out by the women.
This was the beginning of the Labour movement.
Some of these Labour men eventually evolved into half-women.
They became known as pooftas.
Some noteworthy Labour achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that the Liberals provided.
Modern Labourites and Union leaders drink imported beer and they like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu and French food are standard Labour fare.
Another interesting, evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.
Most social workers, government workers - state and federal, personal injury lawyers, journalists (especially at The Age), ABC staff, and group therapists are Labourites.
Liberals drink domestic beer, mostly Carlton or xx_X.
They eat red meat (with visible blood), and still provide for their women.
Liberals are police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots, business owners, farmers, Doctors and Nurses and generally anyone who works productively.
Liberals that own companies, hire other Liberals who want to work for a living.
Labourites produce little or nothing.
They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production.
That is why most of the Labourites created the business of trying to get more for nothing and usually plead for government money to fund their unproductive, parasitical activities.
Here ends today's lesson in Australian history.
It should be noted that a Labourite may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A Liberal will simply laugh, and be so convinced of the absolute truth of history, that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more Labourites - just to piss them off.
And there you have it.
Definitely penned by a “conservative” and probably a pom as noted below.
I think this might have been written by a Pom, because "Labour" hasn't been misspelt as "Labor".
Australian History ( totally unbiased view of course)
Australians originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters and gatherers.
They lived on kangaroos and emus on the plains during the summer and would then go to the coast and live on fish and oysters in the winter.
The two most important events in all Aussie history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.
These were the foundation of modern Aussie civilisation and together were the catalyst for the splitting of Australians into two distinct sub-groups:
1. Liberals, and
2. Labour.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture.
Neither the glass bottle nor aluminium can were invented so while our early Aussies were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.
That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night, while they were drinking beer.
This was the beginning of what is known as the Liberal movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned to live off the Liberals by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, hair dressing and other jobs normally carried out by the women.
This was the beginning of the Labour movement.
Some of these Labour men eventually evolved into half-women.
They became known as pooftas.
Some noteworthy Labour achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that the Liberals provided.
Modern Labourites and Union leaders drink imported beer and they like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu and French food are standard Labour fare.
Another interesting, evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.
Most social workers, government workers - state and federal, personal injury lawyers, journalists (especially at The Age), ABC staff, and group therapists are Labourites.
Liberals drink domestic beer, mostly Carlton or xx_X.
They eat red meat (with visible blood), and still provide for their women.
Liberals are police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots, business owners, farmers, Doctors and Nurses and generally anyone who works productively.
Liberals that own companies, hire other Liberals who want to work for a living.
Labourites produce little or nothing.
They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production.
That is why most of the Labourites created the business of trying to get more for nothing and usually plead for government money to fund their unproductive, parasitical activities.
Here ends today's lesson in Australian history.
It should be noted that a Labourite may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A Liberal will simply laugh, and be so convinced of the absolute truth of history, that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more Labourites - just to piss them off.
And there you have it.
Major
Established Member
- Joined
- Jan 21, 2011
- Posts
- 4,598
- Qantas
- Bronze
- Virgin
- Gold
Re: Subject: Australian History
A couple of facts for you to consider..
If you had bought $1,000.00 of Qantas shares one year ago, you would
have $49.00 today!
If you bought $1,000.00 AIG shares one year ago, you would have $33.00
today!
If you bought $1,000.00 worth of Lehman Brothers shares one year ago,
you would have $0.00 today!
BUT.... if you purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank
all the beer, then returned the aluminum cans for recycling....
YOU WOULD HAVE RECEIVED $214.00!!!
BASED ON THE ABOVE, THE BEST CURRENT INVESTMENT PLAN IS TO
DRINK HEAVILY AND RECYCLE!
A couple of facts for you to consider..
If you had bought $1,000.00 of Qantas shares one year ago, you would
have $49.00 today!
If you bought $1,000.00 AIG shares one year ago, you would have $33.00
today!
If you bought $1,000.00 worth of Lehman Brothers shares one year ago,
you would have $0.00 today!
BUT.... if you purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank
all the beer, then returned the aluminum cans for recycling....
YOU WOULD HAVE RECEIVED $214.00!!!
BASED ON THE ABOVE, THE BEST CURRENT INVESTMENT PLAN IS TO
DRINK HEAVILY AND RECYCLE!
Major
Established Member
- Joined
- Jan 21, 2011
- Posts
- 4,598
- Qantas
- Bronze
- Virgin
- Gold
A priest was invited to attend a house party.
Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his Priest's Collar.
A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening.
Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at.
The little boy pointed to the priest's neck.
When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, he asked the boy;
"Do you know why I am wearing that?"
The boy nodded his head, and replied,
"Yes, It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months".
Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his Priest's Collar.
A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening.
Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at.
The little boy pointed to the priest's neck.
When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, he asked the boy;
"Do you know why I am wearing that?"
The boy nodded his head, and replied,
"Yes, It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months".
Major
Established Member
- Joined
- Jan 21, 2011
- Posts
- 4,598
- Qantas
- Bronze
- Virgin
- Gold
The National Institutes of Health
has just released the results of a
$200 million research study completed
under a grant to Johns Hopkins.
The new study has found that women
who carry a little extra weight live
longer than the men who mention it.
has just released the results of a
$200 million research study completed
under a grant to Johns Hopkins.
The new study has found that women
who carry a little extra weight live
longer than the men who mention it.
anat0l
Enthusiast
- Joined
- Dec 30, 2006
- Posts
- 11,669
This advertisement has been on an episode of World's Funniest Commercials, so may be familiar to some.
Note: In foreign language, but subtitles provided. No offence intended to any cultures. May not be suitable for those with weak stomach.
[video=youtube;xwdb0mHVjy4]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwdb0mHVjy4[/video]
Note: In foreign language, but subtitles provided. No offence intended to any cultures. May not be suitable for those with weak stomach.
[video=youtube;xwdb0mHVjy4]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwdb0mHVjy4[/video]
Last edited:
marki
Established Member
- Joined
- Feb 11, 2010
- Posts
- 3,424
- Qantas
- Platinum 1
- Virgin
- Gold
- Oneworld
- Emerald
- SkyTeam
- Elite
- Star Alliance
- Silver
amaroo
Enthusiast
- Joined
- Sep 22, 2011
- Posts
- 12,359
- Qantas
- Platinum 1
Talking about too soon...
Oscar clearly misunderstood when his girlfriend told him that on Valentine?s Day he had to take her out.
If he gets off this charge it will be the closest shave anyone has had with only 2 blades.
His lawyer?s got a hard job ahead of him. Realistically, it looks like Pistorius hasn?t got a leg to stand on.
Oscar Pistorius is pleading not guilty due to temporary diminished responsibility. He claims he was legless at the time of the incident.
Whatever happens in court, he still has a career. The IOC say he?s a front runner at the next Olympics for pistol shooting.
... Police reconstruction indicates that Pistorius lost it when, for his Valentine?s Day gift, his girlfriend gave him a pair of socks.
New Valentine?s Day card: ?Roses are red, violets are glorious. Never creep up On Oscar Pistorius.?
Looks like he has an expensive lawyer. I hope he can foot the bill.
New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend?s murder?Footprints!
She didn?t notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.
If found guilty he?s gonna have to take it on the shin.
And finally,
Anyone making jokes about Oscar Pistorius is just prosthetic!
Oscar clearly misunderstood when his girlfriend told him that on Valentine?s Day he had to take her out.
If he gets off this charge it will be the closest shave anyone has had with only 2 blades.
His lawyer?s got a hard job ahead of him. Realistically, it looks like Pistorius hasn?t got a leg to stand on.
Oscar Pistorius is pleading not guilty due to temporary diminished responsibility. He claims he was legless at the time of the incident.
Whatever happens in court, he still has a career. The IOC say he?s a front runner at the next Olympics for pistol shooting.
... Police reconstruction indicates that Pistorius lost it when, for his Valentine?s Day gift, his girlfriend gave him a pair of socks.
New Valentine?s Day card: ?Roses are red, violets are glorious. Never creep up On Oscar Pistorius.?
Looks like he has an expensive lawyer. I hope he can foot the bill.
New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend?s murder?Footprints!
She didn?t notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.
If found guilty he?s gonna have to take it on the shin.
And finally,
Anyone making jokes about Oscar Pistorius is just prosthetic!
anat0l
Enthusiast
- Joined
- Dec 30, 2006
- Posts
- 11,669
I just replaced the link with a new one that hasn't been removed. Have another go.
marki
Established Member
- Joined
- Feb 11, 2010
- Posts
- 3,424
- Qantas
- Platinum 1
- Virgin
- Gold
- Oneworld
- Emerald
- SkyTeam
- Elite
- Star Alliance
- Silver
Oh had to read this couple of times to get it , very very good indeed
Sent from my iPad using AustFreqFly mobile app
Read our AFF credit card guides and start earning more points now.
Become an AFF member!
Join Australian Frequent Flyer (AFF) for free and unlock insider tips, exclusive deals, and global meetups with 65,000+ frequent flyers.AFF members can also access our Frequent Flyer Training courses, and upgrade to Fast-track your way to expert traveller status and unlock even more exclusive discounts!
AFF forum abbreviations
Wondering about Y, J or any of the other abbreviations used on our forum?Check out our guide to common AFF acronyms & abbreviations.
