A bit of humour

[Cruiser Elite]

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[cove]

Bluey goes to a boat and camping show in the big smoke and wins a tinnie.

He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says " What you gonna do with that? There's no water to float a boat within 160 kilometres of here.

He says, "I won it and I'm gonna keep it"

His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is.

She says, "He's out there in his tinnie" pointing to the paddock behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother in the middle of a dry paddock sitting in the tinnie with a fishing rod in his hand....

He yells out to him. " What are you doing?"

His brother replies, " I'm fishing...What the hell does it look like I'm doing?"

His brother yells back, "It's people like you that give people from Queensland a bad name, making everybody think we're stupid.
If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your cough!"

 

[Major]

Murphy's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.


He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.


She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said.

'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son. 'Ain't dat grand!’


Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said;

'Hold on! We ain't finished yet! The doctor then delivered a little girl.

He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter!!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we ain't got done yet!’


The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Murph, you just had yourself another boy!'

Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'

The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'

Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'

When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said;


'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'

She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'

Murph said, 'I'll tell you, ........it's a bloody good ting we didn't use WD-40.

 

[Cruiser Elite]

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[codash1099]

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]A doctor in Killarney wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he
approached his assistant. 'Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't
want to close the clinic.
I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'.
'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:

' So, Murphy, how was your day?'
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.
'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol..'
'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.
'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir'
says Murphy.
'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the doctor.
'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young
gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she
tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties
and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for
the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!''
'Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.
'I put drops in her eyes.'
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[somebol]

On a plane with a Jewish captain. His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.


Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'


'No rike Chinese?' asks the copilot, '....why not?'


'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why !'


'No, no,' the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'


'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!'


There's a few minutes of silence.


'I no rike Jews either!' the copilot suddenly announces.


'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.


'Jews sink Titanic.'


'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'


'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg ...no mattah... all same.

 

[somebol]

A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I’m lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn’t keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man’s warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.
But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that’s pretty coughpy," he thought. "If that’s the best the old man can do then I don’t have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out.
As he did so he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicl_." In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicl_ tied to bedpost."

 

[paxman]

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the wimpiest.

The first one says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he slides underneath our bed."...
The second kid says, "That's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mother works night shift, he sleeps with the woman next door."

 

[ALH]

My coffee wouldn't stop making fun of me this morning. Then I realized I'd ordered a mocha.

 

[Cruiser Elite]

Subject: OBSESSIONS

A group of mothers and their small children were attending a group therapy session.

"You all have obsessions," the psychologist observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said: "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mum, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. It manifests itself in your children's names, Penny, Goldie and Frank."

He turned to the third Mum, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your children's names: Brandy and Sherry. You even called the cat, "Whisky".

He then turned to the fourth Mum June: "Your obsession is with flowers. Your girls are called Rose, Daphne & Poppy."

At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered: "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Fanny and Willy and go home."

 

[Cruiser Elite]

47 ways to tell your Australian.

1. You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.

2. You think it's normal to have a leader called Julia.

3. You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden.

4. You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son's pencil case when he first attends school.

5. You're liable to burst out laughing whenever you hear of Americans "rooting" for something.

6. You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.

7. You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bn'.

8. You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff'.

9. You believe the 'l' in the word 'Australia' is optional.

10. You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas.'

11. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.

12. You call your best friend 'a total cough' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a cough'.

13. You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.

14. You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.

15. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.

16. You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'.

17. You believe that cooked-down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread. You've also squeezed it through Vita Wheats to make little Vegemite worms.

18. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.

19. Hamburger with Beetroot? Of course!

20. You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of The Angels song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again'.

21. You believe that the confectionery known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.

22. You wear UGG boots outside the house.

23. You believe that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.

24. You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.

25. Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.

26. You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is always polite.

27. You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.

28. You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle and a seat belt buckle becomes a pretty good branding iron.

29. Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.

30. You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'.

31. You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'.

32. You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered.

33. You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.

34. When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.

35. You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in O: arvo, combo, garbo, kero, lezzo, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo, smoko, speedo, righto etc.

36. You know that there is a universal place called "woop woop" located in the middle of nowhere...no matter where you actually are.

37. You know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer, because it tastes like ****. But we let the world think we do. Because we can.

38. You have some time in your life slept with Aeroguard on in the summer. Maybe even as perfume.

39. You've only ever used the words - tops, ripper, sick, mad, rad, sweet to mean 'good.'

40. And then you place 'bloody' in front of it when you REALLY mean it.

41. You know that the barbeque is a political arena; the person holding the tongs is always the boss and usually a man. And the women make the salad.

42. You say 'no worries' quite often, whether you realise it or not.

43. You've drank your tea/coffee/Milo through a Tim Tam.

44. You own a Bond's chesty. In several different colours.

45. You've ordered a steak the size of your head and only paid $5 at your local RSL.

46. You know that roo meat tastes pretty good, but not as good as barra. Or a meat pie.

47. You know that some people pronounce Australia like "Strayla" and that's ok.

 

[codash1099]

An old lady tottered into a lawyer's office and asked for help in arranging a divorce.

"A divorce?" asked the unbelieving lawyer. "Tell me, how old are you?"

"I'm eighty-four," answered the old lady.

"Eighty-four! And how old is your husband?"

"My husband is eighty-seven."

"My, my," said the lawyer, "and how long have you been married?"

"Next September will be sixty-two years."

"Married sixty-two years?! Why would you want a divorce now?"

"Because," the woman answered calmly, "enough is enough."

 

[anat0l]

What starts with F and ends in K?

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. Eventually the teacher asked him, “Harry, what's your problem?”

“I'm too smart for the first grade,” Harry replied. “My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!”

By now Ms Brooks had lost patience. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal mused for a moment, then told Ms Brooks he would ask the boy a series of questions. If he failed to answer them correctly he would remain in the first grade and be told to behave himself in future. Otherwise, he would be moved up. Ms Brooks agreed.

Harry was brought in, the conditions were explained to him, and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”

Harry: “9.”

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”

Harry: “36.”

And so it went with all the facts that the principal thought a third grader should know.

The principal looked at Ms Brooks and told her, “I think Harry can go to the third grade.”

“First let me ask him some questions,” Ms Brooks replied.

The principal and Harry both agreed to this.

Ms Brooks asked Harry, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”

Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”

Ms Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question.

Harry: “Pockets.”

Ms Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”

Harry: “Pants.”

Ms Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, tastes delicious and contains a thin, whitish liquid?”

Harry: “Coconut.”

The principal sat forward with his mouth agape.

Ms Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink, then comes out soft and sticky?”

The principal's eyes opened wide, but before he could stop Harry from answering, the boy said, “Bubble gum.”

Ms Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman sitting down and a dog on three legs?”

Harry: “Shake hands.”

The principal was trembling.

Ms Brooks: “What word starts with F, ends with K and involves a lot of heat and excitement?”

Harry: “Fire-truck.”

The principal breathed a sigh of relief.

“Ha!” he exclaimed to the teacher, “I got the last seven questions wrong! Let’s put Harry in the fifth grade!”

 

[codash1099]

A little girl walks in to the bathroom one Sunday morning
while her Dad is sitting on the stool reading the paper.

"Where does poo come from?" she asks.

The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year
old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks
for a moment and says:

"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"

"Yes," answers the girl.

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take
out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over
comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that
is poo."

The little girl looks perplexed, and stares at him in
stunned silence for a few seconds and asks: "And Tigger?"

 

[Major]

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been
able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the
far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a
boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and
nearly drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother ..

Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the
lake like me father, his father and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled blue eyes and said,

"Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born
in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya
fookin idiot!"

 

[codash1099]

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously
imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come
into the bar and sees him.

"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known
you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink
before. What's going on?"

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the
man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."

He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"

The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes,
smiles, and then slurs,

"Not anymore!... He is!"

 

[anat0l]

Found on Facebook via a friend. Interesting:

 

[get me outta here]

I turned on me hearing aid, picked up the phone and said, "There's a hole in me car's exhaust pipe. Would you be able to fix it?"
The mechanic said, "Is the pipe a catalytic?"
"Great," I said, "I'll bring it round this afternoon."


(If you don't get the joke, repeat the middle line over and over till you do).

 

[marki]

Found on Facebook via a friend. Interesting:

I new it was there somewhere but like a real A it hides in a hole!


Sent from my iPhone using AustFreqFly

 

[anat0l]