A bit of humour

[anat0l]

Taken from Facebook...one of the disadvantages of having no trees around:

 

[anat0l]

"Do you know why compasses have a mirror?"

"No. Why?"

"So you can see who is lost."

- stolen from "The Gods Must Be Crazy 2"

 

[JohnM]

"Do you know why compasses have a mirror?"

"No. Why?"

"So you can see who is lost."

- stolen from "The Gods Must Be Crazy 2"

I think you're starting to show signs of having excess time on your hands anat0l - now why would that be .

 

[codash1099]

A company chairman was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's
Unfinished Symphony. Since he was unable to go, he passed the invitation to
the company's Quality Assurance Manager. The next morning, the chairman
asked him how he enjoyed it, and, instead of a few plausible observations,
he was handed a memorandum which read as follows;

1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their
number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra,
thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.

2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary
duplication, and the staff of this section should be drastically cut. If a
large volume of sound is really required, this could be obtained through the
use of an amplifier.

3. Much effort was involved in playing the demi-semiquavers. This seems an
excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded
up to the nearest semiquaver. If this were done, it would be possible to use
trainees instead of craftsmen.

4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has
already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were
eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.

In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given
attention to these matters, he probably would have had the time to finish
his symphony.

 

[QF WP]

HOLY PROSTITUTES

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye...It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES


Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,

'What may we do for you! my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.

The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.' He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.

This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

 

[Cruiser Elite]

jb747 - this story remind you of any of your mates?

Life as a Pilot (from a retired pilot)

22 years old: Graduated from college. Go to military flight school. Become hot shot fighter pilot. Get married.

25 years old: Have 1st kid. Now hotshot fighter jock getting shot at in war. Just want to get back in one piece. Get back to USA as primary flight instructor pilot. Get bored. Volunteer for war again.

29 years old: Get back from war all tuckered out. Want out of military.

30 years old: Join airline. World is your oyster.

31 years old: Buy flashy car, house and lots of toys. Get over the military poverty feeling.

32 years old: Divorce boring 1st wife. Pay child support and maintenance.. Drink lots of booze and screw around while looking for 2nd wife.

33 years old: Furloughed. Join military Reserve unit and fly for fun. Repeat above for a few more years.

35 years old: Airline recall.. More screwing around but looking forward to a good marriage and settling down.

36 years old: Marry young spunky 25 year old flight attendant.

37 years old: Buy another house. Gave first one to first wife.

38 years old: Give in to second wife to have more kids. Father again. Wife concerned about "risky" military Reserve flying so you resign commission.

39 years old: Now a captain. Hooray! Upgrade house, buy boat, small single engine airplane and even flashier cars.

42 years old: 2nd wife runs off with wealthy investment banker but still wants to share house (100%).

43 years old: Settle with wife #2 and resolve to stay away from women forever. Seek a position as a check captain for 10% pay override to pay mounting bills. Move into 1 bedroom apartment with window air conditioners.

44 years old: Company resizes and you're returned to copilot status.. 25% pay cut. Become simulator instructor for 10% override pay.

49 years old: Captain again. Move into 2-bedroom luxury apartment with central air conditioning

50 years old: Meet sexy Danish model on International trip. She says she loves you forever!

51 years old: Marry sexy Danish model for wife #3. Buy big house, boat, twin engine airplane and upgrade cars.

52 years old: Sexy model wants kids (not again). Resolve to get vasectomy.

54 years old: Try to talk wife out of kids, but presto, she's pregnant. She says she got sick after taking the pill. Accident, sorry, won't happen again.

55 years old: Father of triplets.

56 years old: Wife #3 wants very big house, bigger boat and very flashy cars, "worried" about your private flying and wants you to sell twin engine airplane. You give in. You buy a motorcycle and join motorcycle club.

57 years old: Make rash investments to try and have enough money for retirement.

59 years old: Lose money on rash investment and get audited by the IRS. You have to fly 100 international night trips just to keep up with child support and alimony to wife #1 and #2.

60 years old: Wife #3 (sexy model) says you're too damned old and no fun. She leaves. She takes most of your assets. You're forced to retire due to Age 60 rule. No money left.

61 years old: Now Captain on a non-schedule South American 727 freight outfit and living in a non-air conditioned studio apartment directly underneath the final approach to runway 9 at Miami Int'l. You have"interesting" Hispanic neighbors who ask you if you've ever flown DC-3's.

65 years old: Lose FAA medical and get job as sim instructor. Don't look forward to years of getting up at 2 AM for 3 AM sim in every God-forsaken town you train in due to the fact your carrier can find cheap, off-hours sim time at various Brand X Airlines.

70 years old: Hotel alarm clock set by previous FedEx crewmember goes off at 1:00 AM. Have heart attack and die with smile on face. Happy at last!

Isn't aviation great?

 

[codash1099]

[FONT=&quot]A medical professor was lecturing about self-examination of the
breast and testicl_s. A female student asked another male
student,

"Do you ever get an erection when you do a self-examination of
your testicl_s?"

"Sometimes, yes" replied the male student.

"What do you do about it?" She then asked.

"Nothing, why?"

She thought for a while then said, "You mean you go around with a
hard cough all day?"

"Err, no" he replied

"You mean a man's cough will go down without having an cough?"

"Of course"

"I'm going to kill my husband!"[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]

 

[Major]

Recently I bought a new Lexus IS250 but I had to return it to the dealer the next day because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The car salesman explained that the radio was voice activated and demonstrated this brilliant feature.
"Nelson," the salesman called to the radio. The radio then responded "Ricky or Willie?" "Willie!" he called back and immediately the radio burst into song "On The Road Again".
Then the salesman calls "Ray Charles," and in an instant "Georgia on My Mind" immediately replaces the Willie Nelson song.
I drove away very happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven," I'd receive beautiful classical music for the afternoon.
Then I would say "Beatles," and I would hear a multitude of those great awesome songs from the 60-80's.
It was fun and even my girlfriend got into it too.
"Billy Joel" and up came 'The Piano Man". "Rolling Stones" and up came "Jumpin Jack Flash" plus many other great Stones hits.
But yesterday, I had the best experience of all.
A couple of idiots tried to run a red light and I nearly creamed my new car .. Luckily I managed to swerve just in time to avoid hitting them.

I yelled out in anger, " F'n Ars*les!"

Guess what !!

Up came the song " Good old Collingwood for ever ............"


* I just LOVE this new car *

 

[QF WP]

Although I need them to win today to get 9/9 in my footy tipping comps

I'll say that if they don't win

 

[alieninperth]

[video=youtube;5pidokakU4I]https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=5pidokakU4I[/video]

Language warning on this, I thought it was funny.

 

[Major]

TEAMS FOR TELSTRA!

TELSTRA needed to hire a team of telephone pole installers for the Stuart Highway,
and the boss had to choose between a team of three blokes from Queensland and a team of three blokes from NSW .

The boss met both teams and said "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on
the new road for a day. The team that installs the most poles gets the job."

Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift, Kev, Trev and Nev, the Queensland team came back and the
boss asked them how many they had installed.
They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve. Forty-five minutes later, Jack, Mac and Zack, the
New South Welshmen came back in and they were totally exhausted.
The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you blokes install?"
Jack, the team leader, wiped his brow and sighed, "We got three in."

"The boss gasped, "Three? The Queenslanders put in twelve!"
"Yeah," said Jack, "but you should see how much they left sticking out of the ground!

 

[codash1099]

[FONT=&quot]When researchers for the Australian Ministry of Transport found more than 200 dead crows on roads near Adelaide recently, there was serious concern that they may have died from a new form of Avian Flu.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows and, to everyone's relief, he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The cause of crow deaths simply appeared to be the result of vehicular impacts.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]MOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was any cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause.....[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]They discovered that while all the lookout crows could and did shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT]

 

[codash1099]

CAUTION: THIS MAY OFFEND

A ten year old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from
tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family
friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in
after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his
face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed
the door.

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn
about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and
after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the
door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter
report card. The boy walked in with his report card-unopened-laid it on the
dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it
and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of MATH.

Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his
remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked.

The boy only shook his head and said, "No."

"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"

"No."

"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"

"Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door
and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant
business!"

 

[anat0l]

Them damn Americans... we are going to Hell...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQRMvg5TAl8

 

[Foreigner]

Three friends - Bob, Joe and Mark are having beer at their regular watering hole.

Bob says to his friends, "I found plumbing tools in my wife's wardrobe. I think she is seeing a plumber."

Joe says, "I found a first-aid box in my wife's wardrobe. I think she is seeing a doctor."

Mark adds, "Wait till you hear what I have to say. I found a cowboy hiding in my wife's wardrobe. I think she is seeing a horse!"

 

[rogerkambah]

New definition for S O S.

A C-130 was lumbering along when a coughy F-16 flashed by.

The jet jockey decided to show off.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!'
And promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb..

He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke The sound barrier.
The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?

The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'

The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'

The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, Used the toilet, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll.'

When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing!

When you get older & smarter -
Comfort & dull is not such a bad thing!

Us older folks understand this one, it's called S O S.
Slower, Older and Smarter....

 

[Foreigner]

Peter visited the church and after the sermon was over, went to meet the preacher.

Peter said to Preacher John, "That was a godam*ed fine sermon preacher. It really made my day!"

Preacher John said to Peter, "I am glad you liked it, but you should not use profanities."

Peter said, "I was so moved by the sermon that I donated $3000 to the church."

Preacher John exclaimed, "WTF! Hope you are not kidding me!"

 

[NM]

Just a few months early, but doesn't hurt to be prepared

 

[penegal]

What a great idea NM!!!

 

[Foreigner]

The elderly Mrs. Caroll walked into Dr. O'Brien's clinic.

Dr. O'Brien, a renowned gynac, asked Mrs. Caroll to lie down for a check up.

The good doctor switched on his goose-neck lamp and was having trouble holding the lamp in one place to be able to see properly.

Dr O'Brien commented to the nurse, "It seems to have worn out."

Mrs. Caroll sat up and exclaimed, "I am 77. What do you expect, doc?"