A bit of humour

[ALH]

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “My dear child, why are you crying?”


The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.


The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. “Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.


The seamstress replied, “No.”


The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. “Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.


Again, the seamstress replied, “No.”


The Lord reached down again and came up with a simple leather thimble. “Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.


The seamstress replied, “Yes.”


The Lord was pleased with the woman’s honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.


Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When the seamstress cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, “Why are you crying?”


“Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!”


The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. “Is this your husband?” the Lord asked.


“Yes!” cried the seamstress.


The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!”


The seamstress replied, “Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said ‘no’ to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three. Lord, I’m not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT’S why I said ‘yes’ to George Clooney.


And so the Lord let her keep him.


The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it’s for a good and honourable reason, and is always in the best interest of others. That’s our story, and we’re sticking to it.

 

[Foreigner]

.........

 

[Foreigner]

.........

 

[Cruiser Elite]

I recently picked a new G.P. doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, she said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I've just reached 72).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 90?'

She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?

'Oh not much drink these days and I don't smoke' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks, fatty roasts and barbecued Ribs?

'I said, 'Not much.... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, surfing, hiking, or cycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?'

'No,' I said...

She looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why the F - - - do you want to live to 90?

 

[straitman]

As soon as I saw this I thought of AFF, FT etc :!: :shock:

 

[mrs.dr.ron]

IT TAKES 7 SECONDS FOR FOOD TO PASS FROM MOUTH TO STOMACH.
A HUMAN HAIR CAN HOLD 3 KGS.
THE LENGTH OF THE cough IS THREE TIMES THE LENGTH OF THE THUMB.
THE FEMUR IS AS HARD AS CONCRETE.
A WOMANS HEART BEATS FASTER THAN A MANS.
WOMEN BLINK TWICE AS MUCH AS MEN.
WE USE 300 MUSCLES JUST TO KEEP OUR BALANCE WHEN WE STAND.


The woman has read this entire text while the man is still looking at his thumb.

 

[Foreigner]

IT TAKES 7 SECONDS FOR FOOD TO PASS FROM MOUTH TO STOMACH.
A HUMAN HAIR CAN HOLD 3 KGS.
THE LENGTH OF THE cough IS THREE TIMES THE LENGTH OF THE THUMB.
THE FEMUR IS AS HARD AS CONCRETE.
A WOMANS HEART BEATS FASTER THAN A MANS.
WOMEN BLINK TWICE AS MUCH AS MEN.
WE USE 300 MUSCLES JUST TO KEEP OUR BALANCE WHEN WE STAND.


The woman has read this entire text while the man is still looking at his thumb.

Hmm...interesting correlation, mrs.dr.ron.

 

[Major]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicl_s black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicl_s black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicl_s, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicl_s
gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?"


--

 

[Cruiser Elite]

The woman has read this entire text while the man is still looking at his thumb.

I wasn't looking - I just sat there thinking ................ 'Jeez either I have a very long thumb or .......!'

 

[Hvr]

[h=2]A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"[/h] "Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions."

​

 

[codash1099]

[FONT=&quot]"Stewardess"[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Yes, Sir?"[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"I want to complain about this airline. Every time
I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-
flight movie and there are no windows blinds so
I can't sleep."[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Captain, shut up and land the plane."[/FONT]

 

[mrs.dr.ron]

 

[codash1099]

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly: "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued "Before you talk to me about my student, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and ...."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.

Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary ..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

 

[drron]

 

[Major]

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the
waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous
waitress came to his table and asked if he was ready to order,

"What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top
to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.
After she regains her composure she returns and asks again,
"What would you like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers,
"a quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him
across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers,
"Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."

 

[Hvr]

There is a story in The Age about a man's spreadsheet listing all the reasons why his wife refused to partake in conjugal activities. Some of the comments are hilarious.

To My Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:
We will wake the kids - 54 times
It's too late - 15 times
I'm too tired - 42 times
It's too early - 12 times
It's too hot - 18 times
Pretending to be asleep - 31 times
The neighbors will hear - 9 times
Headache or backache - 26 times
Sunburn - 10 times
Your mother will hear us - 9 times
Not in the mood - 21 times
Watching the late show - 17 times
Too sore - 26 times
New hairdo - 6 times
Wrong time of the month - 14 times
You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times
Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??
Love, Your Hubby

And the response from a woman:

To My Dearest Husband,

I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:
Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times

Did not come home at all - 36 times
Did not come - 21 times
Came too soon - 38 times
Went soft before you got it in - 19 times
Cramps in your leg - 16 times
Working too late - 33 times
You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times
Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times
You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times
You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times
You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times
You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times
Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times
The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"
Love, Your Wife

Read more: Sex and trouble between the spreadsheets
​

​

 

[Major]

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new
husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought... He then asked her
if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few
moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly,
explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a
preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished,
and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

-
-
-She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

 

[Foreigner]

.........

 

[cove]

OK now for a really bad Irish joke but of course you could change it to another country.

Mick and Paddy were walking home from the pub.
Mick says to Paddy "I can't be bothered to walk all dat way"
" I know" says Paddy "but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home".
"We could steal a bus from the depot" Mick suggests.
They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get a bus while he keeps a look-out.
After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts " Paddy what are you doing? Have you not found one yet?"
Paddy shouts back "I can't find a Number 91"
"Oh Jeysus Christ, ye thick sod, take a Number 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout"

 

[Flashback]

Not relevant to flying as such, but a commonly used phrase on here
'Weird Al' Yankovic, 'First World Problems' [VIDEO PREMIERE]