A bit of humour

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. testicl_, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
 
QF WP said:
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
Click to expand...

:lol: I'm certain these belong in the Grammar thread!

thanks you've brightened up an otherwise depressing day for me..
 
Procrastinator's Creed

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a life-time of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I
could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding
discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word,
when I get around to it.

10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
 
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Dark humour from a doctor.

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a great huge trouble making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
" Well, watcha gonna do about it?" he says menacingly as I burst into tears.
" Come on man" the biker says, " I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
" This has been the worst day of my life" I say. " I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink , I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"
 
Mark was quite tensed when he went to see a shrink.

Mark said slowly to Dr. Lowe, "I..I am in love with my cat."

Dr. Lowe said in a sweet voice, "That's ok Mark. Several people in the world are fond of animals. In fact, I have a dog who I cannot do without."

Mark, looking embarrassed, said to the shrink, "It's different. I feel myself...err...physically drawn to my cat."

Dr. Lowe looks at Mark and says, "Is your cat a 'he or a 'she'?

Mark, looking offended says, "Its a female cat, doc. Do I look gay to you??"


Sent from AFF Mobile Edition
 
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat... I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."...the priest was not pleased, but noticed that Murphy did not have the hat..
, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat after all What changed your mind?"
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal Mc Glynn's hat."
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile & said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided ya would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."
 
There were two schools - one exclusively for girls and the other only for boys. When the local government passed an ordinance to strictly maintain gender equality, all such institutions had to merge and so did these two schools.

On the opening of the new co education school, the state minister addressed the audience thus:

“Friends, I am aware that some of you may regret the exclusiveness and charm of the old individual schools. Now I tell you, there are things girls can do and boys cannot and there are things that boys can do that girls cannot. But let me assure you friends, best are the things that girls and boys do together."



Sent from AFF Mobile Edition
 
[TABLE="class: MsoNormalTable"]
[TR]
[TD] [FONT=&amp]Computer proverbs


* Home is where you hang your @.

* The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

* A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

* You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

* C: is the root of all directories.

* Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

* Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

* The modem is the message.

* Too many clicks spoil the browse.

* The geek shall inherit the earth.

* A chat has nine lives.

* Don't byte off more than you can view.

* Fax is stranger than fiction.

* What boots up must come down.

* Windows will never cease.

* Virtual reality is its own reward.

* Modulation in all things.

* A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

* Know what to expect before you connect.

* Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.

* Speed thrills.

* Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.[/FONT][/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]
 
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow cop.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says "Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says "What for?"

Glasgow cop says "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"

London Lawyer says "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living s**t out of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"
 

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