A bit of humour

[Major]

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning.
It was a fine spring day in his new parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the
beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was . . . a donkey lying
dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.
Ann's Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and
would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing
the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied,
"Well now Father, it was always my impression
that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a moment . . . .. . .. ...........

Father O'Malley then replied:

"Aye,' tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

 

[Foreigner]

.........

 

[drron]

GOLFER AT THE DENTIST.
\" "~
The man said to the dentist, “Doc, I’m in one heck of a
hurry I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us
to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don’t have
time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the
tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at
the best golf course in town and it’s 9:30 already... I don’t
have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!’
The dentist thought to himself, “My goodness, this is surely
a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without
using anything to kill the pain.
So the dentist asks him-"which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth
Honey, and show him . . .

 

[drron]

PHYLLIS DILLER QUOTES
. Whatever you may look like, marry a

man your own age. As your beautyfades, so will his eyesight. -
. Housework can’t kill you, but why take
.the chance.
. Cleaning your house while your kids
are still growing up is like shoveling
the walk before it stops snowing.
. The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them
would never wear the same outfit in public

. Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.


. A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

. I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford.

Then I want to move in with them.

. Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This

is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

. Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an
argument, a bank has just been robbed.


. Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

. The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally

got gin in the steam iron.

. Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.


. My photographs don’t do me justice - they just look like me.

. I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives
forty miles away.

. Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle
- keep away from children.
. The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is
so you can’t see him laughing.

. You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type











 



 

[Foreigner]

.........

 

[rogerkambah]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an cough."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper."

 

[Ikara]

I'd like to see anyone try and get one of these onboard.

"But, it's only an 8GB USB flash drive. It just looks like a bullet!"

JB

 

[Foreigner]

.........

 

[whatmeworry]

[h=1]Clarke and Dawe - Some Slight Difficulties in the Workplace[/h][video=youtube;DXRBCBOtVCU]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DXRBCBOtVCU[/video]

 

[amaroo]

.............

 

[Foreigner]

.........

 

[Major]

My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.
I told her I was looking for cheap flights.
"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited.
That night we had the most amazing sex ever....
Which is odd, because she’s never shown an interest in darts before?

 

[rogerkambah]

Aunty Barbara
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'
'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.
'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'
'Very good,' said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.
'That was a fine story Sarah.'
Tommy, do you have a story to share?'
'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Barbara. Aunty Barbara was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'
'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'
'Stay away from Aunty Barbara when she's been drinkin'.

 

[Foreigner]

Dara, now in her middle ages, had been considering colouring her hair. One day, while flipping through a fashion magazine, she saw an ad for a hair-coloring dye featuring a pretty young model who was sporting a great hairstyle with a shade that Dara liked.

To get a second opinion, she asked her husband Jack, "How do you think this shade would look on a face with a few wrinkles?"

Jack took the magazine from her, crumpled the page with the ad, straightened it out and observed it again.

"Just great, darling."

 

[Major]

Yesterday a woman called for an ambulance.

Operator: How may I help you?
Woman: I banged my toe against the coffee table and hurt it real bad.
Operator: And you want to call an ambulance for that?
Woman: No. The ambulance is for my husband. He shouldn't have laughed.

 

[Bundy Bear]

I thought the above was funny, and then read the picture below.

 

[Major]

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

"What the hell is the matter with you?!" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 71, has 4 grown children and 7 grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The younger doctor continued writing, and without looking up said,
"Does she still have the hiccups?"

 

[Foreigner]

A woman goes to the doctor complaining that two green marks have appeared on the inside of her thighs. “Mmm,” says the doctor, puzzled, “now what can that be...” He thinks for a while and then a smile crosses his face. “You don’t happen to go out with a gypsy, do you?” he asks. “Why, yes, I do.” “Well, that’s the answer. Tell your boyfriend that his earrings are not real gold!”

 

[kelvedon]

A tourist was driving in the countryside when he passed a sign saying "3 legged chickens for sale". Intrigued he drove down the farm track and knocked on the door.
"you have a sign saying 3 legged chickens for sale, what's the story?" He asked the farmer when he opened the door.
"well" replied the farmer taking off his hat, "we bred them especially"
"that's incredible" said the tourist, " but why"
"well" continued the farmer, smoothing back his hair " ya see, I like a drumstick, my wife likes a drumstick and so does our son, so we bred a 3 legged chicken so we could all have one"
"amazing" said the tourist his jaw dropping " but what do they taste like?"
"no idea" shrugged the farmer shaking his head " we've never caught one!"

 

[Major]

A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage,

"Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out,
repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.

So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1 M when you and I are doing basically the same work?

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic,

"Try doing it with the engine running.."