A bit of humour

What happens when you get blonde genies?


a white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a golf-course mansion , surrounded by 50 beautiful women.

After he makes love to all of them, he begins to explore this fabulous house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door.

He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in ku klux klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.


As the klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods. It's the two blonde genies.


One blonde genie says to the other one, 'I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to..

I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.

But why he wanted to be hung like a black guy is beyond me.'
 
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George received a msg on Whatsapp from his neighbour Toby.

The msg read as follows: "Need to make a confession to you, George. I cannot carry the burden of this guilt anymore. I have been using your wife, day and night, when you are away. In fact, I have been using more than you. It might sound as a lame excuse but I have not been getting it at home. The guilt is killing me and I seek your forgiveness. I am really sorry and promise you I will never do it again. "

George, with mad anger and tears running down his eyes grabbed his gun, found his wife in the kitchen, and shot her in the head.

A second Whatsapp msg followed from Toby.

"This autocorrect will be the end of me someday. I meant 'wifi' and not 'wife'."
 
Three sisters aged 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”.

The 94 year old yells back, “I don’t know, I’ll come up and see”.

She starts up the stairs and pauses, then she yells, “Was I going up the stairs or coming down?”

The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful”.

She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door!”
 
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot.
One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day.
She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would
approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off.
But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money
And something that she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the police, but since they
didn't know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up
to people with note pads and other electronic devices?'


Then she said, 'Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on
the beach then we can find out what she's really doing.'

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.
The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

'Well, is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly.
'No, she's not,' he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

'Well, what is it then? What does she do ?' his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, 'She's a battery salesperson.'

'Batteries?' cried the wife.

'Yes!' he replied.



'She Sells C Cells by the Seashore!'
 
Pat, Mick and Sean had just fulfilled a lifelong dream. They had spent St Patrick's Day in Boston and now suitably prepared were flying back to Shannon on a 747. The flight was going smoothly until suddenly there was a muffled noise coming from the wing.

Immediately there was an announcement made;
"This is your pilot speaking, you've no doubt noticed a minor problem with engine number 4. There is nothing to worry about but as safety is our utmost consideration we've shut it down for the rest of the flight. Flight time this evening was scheduled for 6h 55m, and as we're already just over 3 hours into our journey we should be landing no more than 15 minutes later than scheduled."

Pat turns to Mick and says; "T'be sure that's St Pat at work making sure we get a coupl'a extra samples before we land!"
The flight continues and then after another hour or so there is another noise from the other side of the plane. This time somewhat louder.

Immediately another announcement was made;
"This is your pilot speaking, as you may have heard we have a minor issue with engine number 2. There is nothing to worry about but as safety is our utmost consideration we've shut it down for the rest of the flight. Unfortunately we will be a little later than previously advised and we now expect we should be landing at Shannon around 30 minutes later than scheduled."

Sean quickly adds; "That confession in Boston wasn't only good for the soul then. We should be able to get them to open the second bottle of single malt now."
Pat & Mick quickly down the remnants in their glasses and push the call button.

Nearly 2 hours goes by and then there's a much louder and clear "bang" directly outside their window.

Immediately another announcement came;
"This is your pilot speaking, these things tend to go in threes and now we have a minor issue with engine number 3. The Boeing 747 is an incredibly versatile aircraft and can operate on just one engine. We will start our descent into Shannon somewhat further out than normal but there is nothing to be concerned about. We will be further delayed than previously advised and we now expect to land at Shannon around 65 minutes later than scheduled."

Mick turned to Pat & Sean looking extremely concerned and said; "If we lose that last engine there won't be enough whiskey left to last us!"
 
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Dockers fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Dockers fans too. Not really knowing what a Dockers fan was, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air.


There is, however, one exception. Janet has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I'm not a Docker.” she answers.
"Then," asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm an Eagles fan" boasts the little girl.
The teacher asks Janet why she is an Eagles fan.
"Well, my Dad and Mum are Eagles fans, so I'm an Eagles fan too" she responds.
"That's no reason," the teacher says. "What if you’re mum was a moron and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?"
Janet smiles and says, "Then I'd be a Dockers fan"
 
Flashback said:
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Dockers fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Dockers fans too. Not really knowing what a Dockers fan was, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air.


There is, however, one exception. Janet has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I'm not a Docker.” she answers.
"Then," asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm an Eagles fan" boasts the little girl.
The teacher asks Janet why she is an Eagles fan.
"Well, my Dad and Mum are Eagles fans, so I'm an Eagles fan too" she responds.
"That's no reason," the teacher says. "What if you’re mum was a moron and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?"
Janet smiles and says, "Then I'd be a Dockers fan"
Click to expand...

You must be a West Coast supporter.

Which team missed the finals this year. WCE
Go Freo.
 
Three priests are deciding how to allocate the week's donations.

"How about we draw a circle," says the first priest, "throw all the money in the air, and whatever lands in the circle is given to God? We can keep the rest."

"Hmmm, that might not be enough for us," says the second priest. "Perhaps we should give God whatever money falls outside the circle instead?"

The third priest pipes up. "Here's a thought. How about we throw all the money in the air, and whatever God wants, he keeps?"
 
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'

'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?'

'We use it for Sex.'

The researcher was a little taken back. 'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?'

The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all...my husband and I put it on the door knob so the kids can't open the door!'
 
Nine-year-old Derick's parents were chatting with him regarding his future plans. Derick said he would like to go to Harvard just like his parents and other family members had done. Happy that their child was being sensible about his future, they pressed on.

"And what would you like to take when you attend college?" they asked Derick.

Pondering over it for some time, and glancing around the living room, he replied, "The TV, if you don't mind me taking it."
 

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