A bit of humour

[Foreigner]

When Samantha was expecting twins she interrupted a burglary and got shot twice in the stomach. Fortunately, the babies were delivered safely but the bullets were never recovered. Seventeen years went by, when one day her daughter came to her in great distress. “Oh mum, I just been to do a wee and all of a sudden, out popped a bullet.” Samantha told her it was nothing to worry about and explained what had happened all those years ago. A little later she caught sight of her son, sitting down with his head in his hands. She went up to him, put her arms round his shoulders and said, “Don’t worry, I think I can guess what happened. You went to the toilet and a bullet came out.”“Oh no, mum, it wasn’t like that. I was having a wank and I shot the dog.”

 

[Foreigner]

Father Jeremy decided to drop in at the home of one of his church regulars on Saturday night. As he approached the house, he heard loud music. When he rang the doorbell, it was answered by the church goer. Behind him, he saw a big group of guys not wearing any clothes. There were blindfolded girls moving from one guy to another, feeling each guy's manhood and trying to figure out who it was.

Father Jeremy, seeing all this said, "I should leave, I don't think I belong here."

The owner of the house said, "You must be kidding father. Your name has been called 4 times already!"

​

 

[Major]

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife (your daughter) telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home . . . and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down, Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation .....

She never got your E-mail!"

 

[Foreigner]

.........

 

[Foreigner]

Yohan felt that there was something wrong with his body. Lately, he had noticed his manhood growing a few centimeters every week. Though thrilled initially, his excitement ran down when he noticed that there was no stopping its growth. He decided it was time to visit a doctor. He met Dr. Holmes, a specialist, and explained the problem to him. After examining him, Dr. Holmes gave his diagnosis, "Well, you have a rare condition. But do not worry, it can be corrected with surgery."

Yohan's wife, Lili, who was waiting outside the doc's cabin, overheard the conversation. She rushed in to ask, "Will he need support to walk?"

"Walk?" asked Dr. Holmes.

Lili asked with concern, "You are going to increase the length of his legs, right?"

 

[amaroo]

..........

 

[Foreigner]

Dan died and Marie’s heart was broken. She could not be consoled. The regular pastor was not available and so they found one from the neighboring area. The new one asked Marie some questions so that he could say something nice about Dan in his sermon. Finally he asked: “What did Dan say just before he died? I mean, what were his last words?”

Marie was thoughtful, then said: “Marie, don’t pull the trigger.”

 

[Bolthead]

A married couple had been trying for years to have a family. They tried all the IVF treatments and even went to a witch doctor. Their time was taken up trying to find a solution to this dilemma without any luck. One day they were telling an old friend about their problem and he remembered a story about a strange doctor that had results with couples that where at their wits end to have a family.

They made the appointment to see the doctor and to their surprise he told the wife to swallow these 3 black marbles. They couldn't believe it however they were so desperate the wife swallowed the 3 black marbles. A month later to their absolute joy she was pregnant and after 9 months she gave birth to 3 beautiful boys.

They years rolled by and the couple totally forgot about the 3 black marbles. The boys were growing up and the family was very close and healthy.

One day the father was in the family room reading his Sunday paper as he had done for many years. All of a sudden one of the boys came running in distraught and very upset.

"Daddy daddy, I just did a wee and I passed a black marble."

"You past a black marble!" the father pausing for a second, "don't worry son it's perfectly natural and it won't happen again."

The father remembered years before about the 3 black marbles. The doctor didn't mention about the children passing any black marbles.

A couple of hours passed and another boy comes running in distraught and upset.

"Daddy daddy, I just did a wee and I passed a black marble."
Confidently the father said, "Don't worry son, perfectly natural, won't happen again."

A few more hours went by and the third boy comes running into the room.

"Daddy daddy, I just had a wank and I shot the cat between the eyes!!"

When Samantha was expecting twins she interrupted a burglary and got shot twice in the stomach. Fortunately, the babies were delivered safely but the bullets were never recovered. Seventeen years went by, when one day her daughter came to her in great distress. “Oh mum, I just been to do a wee and all of a sudden, out popped a bullet.” Samantha told her it was nothing to worry about and explained what had happened all those years ago. A little later she caught sight of her son, sitting down with his head in his hands. She went up to him, put her arms round his shoulders and said, “Don’t worry, I think I can guess what happened. You went to the toilet and a bullet came out.”“Oh no, mum, it wasn’t like that. I was having a wank and I shot the dog.”

I wonder how many other jokes are born from existing jokes. Foreigner, I am not sure which joke was copied from each other but it is obvious that somebody did some plagiarising when either one of these jokes were born...

 

[Foreigner]

All my posts are not original...they come off the internet. I'm sharing what I've had a laugh at. It's quite likely for some of these to have been posted in this thread by others but I'm not patient to check all posts to see that's the case.

 

[RAM]

I wonder how many other jokes are born from existing jokes. Foreigner, I am not sure which joke was copied from each other but it is obvious that somebody did some plagiarising when either one of these jokes were born...

Original thought is rare indeed, monkeys with typewriters or keyboards... (work for TV shows).

 

[Major]

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call a number of times before he'd even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could even say more than a word, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.
"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I got a flat tire."
"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the damn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash Register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the bloody phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, that damn phone was still ringing with no let up. I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a Rectal thermometer.
"And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

 

[TheEmu]

Not the right label I know, but this one's for Cruiser Elite

 

[Foreigner]

.........

 

[Ikara]

Not the right label I know, but this one's for Cruiser Elite

View attachment 34807

Yep - I agree. Patrick Stewart has got it right as well.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5vpbm7ehr_4

JB

 

[anat0l]

Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuan_, press the hash key..."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 dollars that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy".

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "...How's that?" "Don't you start."

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.'"

 

[Limewood]

how about..

 

[anat0l]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary for surgery. As she lay her pet duck on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck 'Cuddles' has passed away."

The distressed owner cried out, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes, and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table, and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill, "$150.00", she cried, "$150.00 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20.00, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan it's now $150.00........."

 

[Foreigner]

Mickey had spent a long time in the mental asylum. The doctors were checking his mental health and if deemed fit, he would be allowed to go.

One of the doctors asked, "If you see a train speeding towards you in this passage, what would you do?"

Mickey replied, "I would jump in my copter and fly to safety."

The doc asked further, "And where did you find the copter?"

Mickey replied, "Same place you found that godforsaken train!"

 

[TheEmu]

Clean up in Aisle 15, please

 

[anat0l]

A teacher asks her class. "Ten birds are sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one. How many are left?" "None," answers little Ole, "They would all fly away when the hunter fired his gun." "That's not the answer I was looking for," says the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

At the end of the day the boy tells the teacher, "Now I've got a question for you: Three women are eating an ice cream cone. One is eating with a spoon, one is licking the ice cream, and the third is sucking on the bottom of the cone. Which one is married?" "I suppose the one sucking on the cone," the teacher answers after thinking awhile. The boy answers, "No, it's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you're thinking."