A bit of humour

[Major]

The Scottish Wedding
Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.

Och, it's all going to be grand", says Jock. "I've everything organised already, the flowers, the church, the cards, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".

Archie nods approvingly.

"Havens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in", continued Jock.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's braw, you'll look pure deed smart in that!"
A pause.

"And what's the tartan?" Archie then enquires.

"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white ....

 

[whatmeworry]

Gotta love the irony...

 

[drron]

 

[cove]

A three year old boy examines his testicl_s while taking a bath.
"Mum" he asks "Are these my brains?"
"Not yet" she replied.

 

[TomVexille]

744 Wins that race

 

[Major]

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where the f##k I am now...

 

[Major]

CATSA disclosed the following Airport Screening Results

[TABLE="align: center"]
[TR]
[TD="colspan: 2"]December 2012 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening From CATSA :[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Terrorists Discovered[/TD]
[TD]0[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Transvestites[/TD]
[TD]133[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Hernias[/TD]
[TD]1,485[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Hemorrhoid Cases[/TD]
[TD]3,172[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Enlarged Prostates[/TD]
[TD]8,249[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Breast Implants[/TD]
[TD]59,350[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Natural Blondes[/TD]
[TD]3[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

 

[whatmeworry]

Only up North...

 

[Foreigner]

A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
“You will understand,” he said, “the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss’s wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people.”
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. “I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession.”

 

[Foreigner]

.........

.........

 

[Hvr]

"There is a fine line between numerator & denominator!"


"The first rule of Thesaurus Club is you do not talk, prattle, whisper, chatter, mumble, rant, articulate, babble, describe, divulge, drone, confer, deliberate, squeal or converse about Thesaurus Club."


"And then Satan said . . . let's put letters into algebra."


"Calculus . . . actually, it is rocket science."


In the meantime, reader Harold Ball contributes his own favourite: "Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Don't drink and derive . . ."

Read more: Wonderful words can always bring a smile
​

Something to think about.

 

[Foreigner]

Two sons were left a large piece of property by their father. For months they fought over how the land should be divided. Finally, they brought their problem to their rabbi and asked him to solve it. “Come back tomorrow,” said the rabbi, “and we’ll talk.”

The next day the sons returned and the rabbi gave them his solution. “Toss a coin,” he said to one of the brothers. “You call it, heads or tails,” he said to the other. “The one who wins the toss, divides the land.” “That’s no solution,” said one of the brothers. “We’re right back where we started from.” “Not so,” said the rabbi. “The one who wins the toss divides the land; but the other gets first choice.”

 

[Foreigner]

.........

 

[Caversham04]

From a competition I saw several years ago - take an existing word, change one letter to create a new word, and then give its definition:

Intaxication: the feeling of euphoria you get when you receive a tax rebate cheque from the Tax Office, which lasts exactly as long as it takes you to realise that it was your money in the first place!

 

[anat0l]

Heaven is where the police are British, the lovers French, the mechanics German, the chefs Italian, and it is all organised by the Swiss.

Hell is where the police are German, the lovers Swiss, the mechanics French, the chefs British, and it is all organised by the Italians.

 

[whatmeworry]

iselect customers reaction to excessive phone calls.

 

[RAM]

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the Blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'
The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.'

And the Blonde entered Heaven...



... you're singing it now, aren't you�??

 

[Foreigner]

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills!!

“Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?”
“Yes, they help me sleep at night.”
“Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep at night!”

She reached out and patted the young doctor’s knee. “Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks…and believe me…….it helps me sleep at night!!!”

 

[Foreigner]

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy.
A man scornfully said, “No woman can keep a secret.”
“I don’t know about that,” huffily answered a woman guest. “I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.”
“You’ll let it out some day,” the man insisted.
“I hardly think so!” responded the lady. “When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.”

 

[Foreigner]

A man goes to see the doctor because he has a sore throat. The nurse tells him to take all his clothes off and sit on the bench in the hall. The man tries to protest, but the nurse doesn’t listen and just repeats the same orders then leaves the area. The man complies with her orders and joins another naked man sitting on the bench. The man starts complaining to the man already sitting there, that he only has a sore throat and doesn’t understand why he has to take all his clothes off. The man who was already sitting on the bench nude, looks at the other man and says “You think that’s bad, I’m just here to pay my bill.”