A bit of humour

[codash1099]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8273HGqxEc

Hilarious!

 

[Foreigner]

Fred and Rich were in a pub. Fred says to his mate: "My mother-in-law is an angel."
Rich replies: "You're lucky. Mine is still alive."

 

[whatmeworry]

Important announcement from London.

 

[Foreigner]

My father was out for his morning jog, when he noticed an old white-haired woman seated on a bench and crying uncontrollably. My father stopped to check what was wrong and if he could do anything to help her.

Still sobbing, she said to Dad, "I have a husband at home who I am married to since the last 48 years. He makes love to me in the morning. For breakfast, he makes poached eggs, toast, grilled tomatoes, fried mushrooms and fresh coffee for me very morning."

My father asked, "So why are you weeping?"

The white-haired woman said, "For lunch, he prepares broccoli soup, salad, steak and pie. Then he gives pleasure to me in bed all afternoon."

My father, now thoroughly confused, asked, "So why is it that you are upset?"

The old woman went on, "He makes roasted beef for dinner, serves it to me with wine and dessert. Then he makes me feel like a woman for 2 hours in the night."

My father, impatient by now, asked again, "So why the tears?"

The old woman answered, "I can't recollect where I live!"

 

[Foreigner]

.........

 

[Major]

IN the Beginning…. God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the
archangel, found him, resting on the seventh.

He inquired, --- "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, ----
"Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, ---- "What is it?"

"It's a planet," --- replied God, --- and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it
Earth and it's going to be a place to test 'Balance.'"

"Balance?" --- inquired Michael, ---- "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.
"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth,
while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent
of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things..."

God continued pointing to different countries. -- "This one will be extremely hot,
while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, ---
"What's that one?"

"That's Sydney , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees and
gardens, a beautiful river, and days filled with sunshine. The people from Sydney
are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going
to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving,
carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, --- "But what about
balance, God? You said there would be 'balance.'"

God smiled, --- "I will create Canberra. Wait till you see the idiots I'll put there.".....

 

[straitman]

View attachment 34366

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Possibly a big problem for a few people here :!:

 

[mrs.dr.ron]

 

[Foreigner]

.........

 

[Hvr]

The top ten one liners from the Edinburgh Comedy Festival:

THE 10 FUNNIEST JOKES FROM THE FRINGE FESTIVAL 2014
1. "I've decided to sell my Hoover ... well, it was just collecting dust" - Tim Vine
2. "I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set" - Masai Graham
3. "Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief" - Mark Watson
4. "I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn't work. You could only fill it in with number 1s and number 2s" - Bec Hill
5. "I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn't let me" - Ria Lina
6. "Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal" - Paul F Taylor
7. "Scotland had oil, but it's running out thanks to all that deep frying" - Scott Capurro
8. "I forgot my inflatable Michael Gove, which is a shame 'cause halfway through he disappears up his own a***hole" - Kevin Day
9. "I've been married for 10 years, I haven't made a decision for seven" - Jason Cook
10. "This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it" - Felicity Ward


HONOURABLE MENTIONS
"I go to the kebab shop so much that when they call me boss in there it's less a term of affection, more an economic reality" - Ed Gamble
"Leadership looks fun, but it's stressful. Just look at someone leading a conga" - James Acaster
"I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved" - Sara Pascoe

Read more: The 10 best jokes of the Edinburgh Fringe 2014
​

 

[amaroo]

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[Foreigner]

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[cove]

Three virgin sisters were all getting married within a short time period.
Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding The card said nothing but "Nescafe ".Puzzled at first ,mum went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said " Great from the beginning to end". Mum blushed, but she was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent her card from the Maldives a week after the wedding and the card read " Rothmans". Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes to read from the pack: "Super strong King size". Again mum was embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand. Mum waited for a week. Nothing. Another week went by and still nothing.
A card finally arrived from Auckland on which was written " Air New Zealand"
Mum took out her latest travel magazine and flipped through the pages fearing the worst and finally found the advertisement for Air New Zealand.
"Ten times a day, seven days a week, in all directions".
Mum fainted!!

 

[amaroo]

Why Male Engineers Make Bad Cooks

His wife left a note for him to prepare dinner that evening: “Shepherd’s Pie needs to be taken out of the fridge and placed in the oven at 140 degrees “

​

 

[codash1099]

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose.
You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line,

"Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The audience erupted, screaming with laughter.

The director yelled at the actor, "You fool! You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

 

[codash1099]

The answer to everything:

The magic button — Make Everything OK

 

[TomVexille]

The answer to everything:

The magic button — Make Everything OK

I know a few people who need that

 

[whatmeworry]

This is how you sell a budget.

 

[Bundy Bear]

"Life wasn't meant to be easy"according to one of our previous prime minister.

 

[drron]

But having had several conversations with Malcolm's speech writer he got his speech wrong.The full quote in the speech was meant to be-"life was not meant to be easy but it can be enjoyable."