A bit of humour

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[TD="width: 100%"] I became confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies:

Banking 'Service'


Postal 'Service'


Telephone 'Service'


Pay TV 'Service'


State & Public 'Service'


Customer 'Service'


Bureaucratic 'Service'


This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.


Then I visited my uncle, he's a farmer, and he hired a bull to 'Service'his cows.


Suddenly WOW!!! It all came clear. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us!

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Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were alone in the lounge room of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting. For $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still says nothing but after a couple of minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.

"Get serious," she replies, "Four times in the rocking chair."
 
Two old Jewish men, Sid and Abe, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant one day.
Sid asks Abe, "Do you know if any people of our ancestry were ever born and raised in Mexico ?"

Abe replies, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."

When the waiter arrives, Abe asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"

The waiter says, "I don't know senor, I ask the cooks.
" He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says,
"No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews."

Abe isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?"

The waiter, realizing he is dealing with "Gringos" replies,
"I check once again, senor," and goes back into the kitchen.

While the waiter is away, Sid says,
"I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico ...
Our people are scattered everywhere."

The waiter returns and says,
"Senor, the head cook Manuel, he say there is no Mexican Jews."

"Are you certain?" Abe asks again. "I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"

"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replies the exasperated waiter.
"All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Apple Jews,
but no Mexican Jews."
 
“I have a little Satnav, It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver’s friend, it tells you where you are.

I have a little Satnav, I’ve had it all my life
It’s better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.

It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive
“It’s sixty k’s an hour”, it says, “You’re doing sixty five”.

It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake
And lets me know that it’s never ever safe to overtake.

It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.

It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear
And taking this into account, then specifies the gear.

I’m sure no other driver, has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.

It fills me up with counselling, each journey’s pretty fraught
So why don’t I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I’m properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then, I could turn the beggar off.”

~~<origin unknown>
 
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Old is Great
An old Woman was asked, "At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get : Parkinsons or Alzheimers?"

The wise one answered, "Definitely Parkinsons - Better to spill half my wine than to forget where I keep the bottle."​
And so say all of us !!!​
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Saint Peter had a terrible cold and fever and didn't think he would last the day minding the Pearly Gates of Heaven. So he phoned Jesus to ask for the day off.

"Why, Peter," Jesus said. "You know your health is my first concern. Take as much time as you need."


As Jesus pondered who he might use to replace Peter, he decided to handle the job himself. It was a very slow day and no one approached the Gates until late in the afternoon, when in the distance, Jesus saw a bent, white-haired old man slowly making his way up the path with the aid of a gnarled cane.

As the man neared, Jesus said, "Good afternoon, sir. How may I help you?"

"Well," replied the man, "I was hoping to enter the Gates of Heaven."

"We would certainly love to have you," said Jesus, "but we do have certain rules as to who can enter Heaven. Tell me, what have you done to deserve such an honour?"

"Actually, I have done nothing so wonderful myself," said the man. "I lived in a small town and led a simple life as a carpenter. But my son," he continued, "now HE was special !"

With pride in his voice he said, "I raised him to be a carpenter like myself and did my best to teach him right from wrong. And when he grew older, an amazing transformation overcame him and to this day he's known throughout the world and loved by all alike."

As Jesus listened to the story, a sense of recognition came to him. With a lump in his throat and a tear in his eye, he threw open his arms and cried, "Father!"

Emotional at this outburst, the old man threw open his arms and yelled, "Pinocchio!"
 
Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat...and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Wet and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother.

"Grandmama," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?”

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled blue eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya idiot!"
 
Tom was 70 and Diana was 65, when they decided to go on a cruise in the Carribean. They were having a conversation at the deck, when a giant wave came up and took away Diana with it.

They arranged to send divers down the sea to find her but she could not be traced. After days of unsuccessful attempts to trace her, they sent Tom home promising him that they will continue their search and will notify him if there is any news.

After about 15 days, Tom got a call from the Captain. He said, "I am sorry, I have bad news Sir. We found her body at the bottom of the sea and when we pulled her up on the deck, there was an oyster stuck to her bums. We opened it and found a big pearl inside. We estimate its value to be half a million. What do you want us to do?"

Tom replied, "Courier me the pearl. Use DHL. And send her back in as bait."



Sent from AFF Mobile Edition
 
[FONT=verdana, sans-serif]"My Daddy Sleeps Naked" To all those raised on or near a farm.

[FONT=verdana, sans-serif]
"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.

"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"

Now, Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Sammy what he meant by that.

Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth.

"You see, Miss Crabtree, out at the ranch we got this here low-down coyote. The last few nights, he done ate six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. Last night,[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, sans-serif]when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his shot gun and said to Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!''

"Stay back, he whispered to all us kids!"

"He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double barreled 12 gauge shot gun through the window of the coop." [/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, sans-serif]"As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog, Zeke, had done woke up and comes sneaking' up behind Daddy. [/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, sans-serif]Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Zeke stuck his big cold nose in Daddy's crack!"

"Miss Crabtree, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!"[/FONT]

[/FONT]

 
The novel Fifty Shades Of Grey has seduced women and baffled blokes.
Now Fifty Sheds Of Grey offers a treat for men. The book's author Colin Grey recounts his love encounters at the bottom of the garden.
Here are some extracts....
We tried various positions- round the back, on the side, up against the wall. But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
" I'm yours for the night" she gasped, "you can do whatever you want with me."
So I took her to Bunnings.
She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.
Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.
"Put on this rubber suit and mask" I instructed, calmly.
"Mmmmm kinky!" she purred.
"Yes you can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."
"I'm a very naughty girl" she said, biting her lip. " I need to be punished." So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
"Harder!" she cried. gripping the workbench tightly
"Harder!"
"Okay," I said.
"What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"
I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
"Are you sure you can stand the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
" I think so" I gulped.
"Here we go then," she said and showed me the receipt.
" Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I replied. " You've got fat ankles and no dress sense".
" Are you sure you want this?" I asked.
"When I am done , you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Okay" I said, putting the three piece lounge suite on eBay.
"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!'
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.
 
A couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said,
"Kathleen, soon we will be married 30 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 30 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Kathleen replied, "Well Gerry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 30 years, but always for a good reason."
Gerry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?"

Kathleen said, "The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Gerry recalled the visit to the banker and said," I can forgive you for that because you saved our home, but what about the second time?"

"Do you remember when you were seriously ill but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," says Gerry". And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Kathleen said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 93 more votes?"
 
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