A bit of humour

[Major]

Wife texts husband, who is away on a business trip, on a cold winter's morning:

"Windows frozen."


Husband texts back:

"Pour some lukewarm water over it."


Wife texts back:

"Computer completely buggered now."

 

[Foreigner]

Once Dean and Martin came to Martin’s house and heard some noises in Martin’s bedroom upstairs. Surprised and alert, they crept up and peeked inside the bedroom carefully from the gap in the door. They found his milkman in bed with Martin’s wife. They went down silently and into the kitchen.

Martin was shaking with rage. He jerked open the fridge, grabbed two bottles of chilled beer and handed one over to Dean. Both had a couple of sweeps in silence. Dean understood Martin’s rage and said: “Sorry about that, but what about that milkman?”

Martin: “What about him? He can get his own damn beer.”

 

[Major]

When I was young I decided to go to Medical School.

At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered SPINE are doctors today.

The rest of us are sending jokes via email.

 

[Foreigner]

When Tina returned from *a job interview, her boyfriend asked her how the interview went."Went well," said Tina, "but if I take up the job, I won't get a vacation until I get married."Her boyfriend said, "Never heard of a clause like that! What exactly did they tell you?"Tina replied, "The application read: 'Vacation cannot be taken until the candidate completes her First Anniversary.'"

 

[codash1099]

I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we've found many more than four basic elements and I show him the latest periodic table of elements.

Then I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one.
They gasp with wonder.

We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.

 

[amaroo]

PUP Inc....

It's so pathetic - it's funny!

 

[codash1099]

A Tale of Opposites

[FONT=&quot]It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was
very chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and
consolate.

I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw
her standing alone in a corner. She was a descript person, a
woman in a state of total array. Her hair was kempt, her clothing
shevelled, and she moved in a gainly way.

I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I'd have to make
bones about it since I was travelling cognito. Beknownst to me,
the hostess, whom I could see both hide and hair of, was very
proper, so it would be skin off my nose if anything bad happened.
And even though I had only swerving loyalty to her, my manners
couldn't be peccable. Only toward and heard-of behaviour would
do.

Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance might
cause was evitable. There were two ways about it, but the
chances that someone as flappable as I would be ept enough to
become persona grata or a sung hero were slim. I was, after all,
something to sneeze at, someone you could easily hold a candle
to, someone who usually aroused bridled passion.

So I decided not to risk it. But then, all at once, for some
apparent reason, she looked in my direction and smiled in a way
that I could make heads or tails of.

I was plussed. It was concerting to see that she was
communicado, and it nerved me that she was interested in a pareil
like me, sight seen. Normally, I had a domitable spirit, but,
being corrigible, I felt capacitated--as if this were something I
was great shakes at-- and forgot that I had succeeded in
situations like this only a told number of times. So, after a
terminable delay, I acted with mitigated gall and made my way
through the ruly crowd with strong givings.

Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had no time
to prepare a promptu speech, I was petuous. Wanting to make only
called-for remarks, I started talking about the hors d'oeuvres,
trying to abuse her of the notion that I was sipid, and perhaps
even bunk a few myths about myself.

She responded well, and I was mayed that she considered me a
savory character who was up to some good. She told me who she
was. "What a perfect nomer," I said, advertently.

The conversation become more and more choate, and we spoke at
length to much avail. But I was defatigable, so I had to leave
at a godly hour. I asked if she wanted to come with me.

To my delight, she was committal. We left the party together and
have been together ever since. I have given her my love, and she
has requited it.

[/FONT]

 

[codash1099]

Yesterday, I was on the bus travelling home from work. A man of Arabic appearance got off at the stop before mine and I noticed that he had left his bag behind. I grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught up with him and handed him back his bag.

He was extremely grateful to me and when he checked the contents of his bag I noticed what appeared to be large bundles of cash and white powder.

He looked round, made sure nobody was looking and whispered to me: "I can never repay your kindness sir, but I will try to with a word of advice for you and your friends: Tell everyone you care about to stay away from Melbourne."

I was terrified. "Is there going to be a terrorist attack?" I whispered.

"No, sir," he whispered back. "It's a sh*thole."

 

[Foreigner]

....................

 

[Foreigner]

Maybe It's Time To Seek Other Employment...

Actual quotes from (US) Federal employee performance evaluations:

• Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
• His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
• I would not allow this employee to breed.
• This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be.
• Works well under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
• When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
• He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
• This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
• He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
• This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
• This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts the better.

• Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
• Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
• A room temperature IQ.
• Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
• A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
• A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
• A prime candidate for natural deselection.
• Bright as Alaska in December.
• One-celled organisms out-score him in IQ tests.
• Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
• Fell out of the family tree.
• Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
• Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
• He's so dense, light bends around him.
• If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
• If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
• If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
• If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
• It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
• One neuron short of a synapse.
• Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
• Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
• Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
• Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

 

[Major]

World Cup refund


After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup the Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil.

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

 

[Foreigner]

..........

 

[Foreigner]

.........

 

[anat0l]

View attachment 31435
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View attachment 31436

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Performance appraisals approaching for anyone?

 

[Flashback]

Performance appraisals approaching for anyone?

Had my very first one just recently ... first time foraying into the perm market :shock:

Few years under the belt then back to consulting I'd say.

 

[JohnM]

Performance appraisals approaching for anyone?

Always must raise the question of which side of the cage bars is the monkey on .

 

[Flashback]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=44zQRs-taOo

 

[Hvr]

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it

I had amnesia once---or was it twice?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

My weight is perfect for my height--which varies.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Is it me --or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

 

[Hvr]

from Groucho Marx:

Q. How hard is it to get tusks off an elephant?
A. It's very hard, except in Alabama, where the Tuscaloosa.

 

[codash1099]

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and
goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, "Well, you've been such a good guy
and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone
you want to in Heaven."

Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself."

The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and
Introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"

God says, "Ah, yes."

"Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much front end protrusion.
2. It chatters at high speeds.
3. The rear end wobbles too much, and
4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on."
God goes to the Celestial Super computer, types in a few keystrokes, and
waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it.

"It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Arthur Davidson,
"but according to My Computer, more people are riding my invention than
yours!"