A bit of humour

[Archipelago]

Yeah, sorry - my brain was on the Fritz for a bit there. Won't happen again

 

[marki]

Really Hans !

 

[Foreigner]

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[Limewood]

an oldie but oh so funny BMW wont drive at night and gear R means something else...

 

[Foreigner]

A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it, and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

“We need a fourth for poker,” said the friend.

“I’ll be right over,” whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?”

“Oh yes, quite serious,” said the doctor gravely. “In fact, three doctors are there already!

*

 

[Foreigner]

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[drron]

What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

What is the definition of a shame (as in 'that's a shame' )?
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

What is the definition of a 'crying shame' ?
There was an empty seat.

How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
Never enough.

Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.

What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A lobotomy.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.

What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
A doberman.

How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?
Because people could not tell which side to spit on.

What do Lawyers do when they die ?
Lie still
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

Why is a lawyer's grave 12 feet deep instead of the usual 6?
Because deep down, they're really nice guys.

 

[Foreigner]

Lawyers can be your worst enemy, or your best friends (in my case, at home)

 

[Foreigner]

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[Foreigner]

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[Foreigner]

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[Foreigner]

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 10 children.

After her first husband died, she remarried and had 10 more children.

A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away.

At Maria’s funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, “At last, they’re finally together.”

Her sister sitting in the front row said, “Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?”

The priest replied, “I mean her legs.”

 

[Foreigner]

A man in walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,

“Some old cough wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.”

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, “and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.”

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy, ”I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who can think on their feet here. Where are you from son?”

“New Zealand, sir,” the boy replied.

“Why did you leave New Zealand ?” the manager asked.

The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there.”

“Is that right?” replied the manager, ” My wife is from New Zealand !”

“Really?” replied the boy, “Who’d she play for?”

 

[Foreigner]

Woke up this morning, got dressed and went in the kitchen where my wife was already fixing breakfast.

I looked to see what she was cooking, and I see one of my socks in the frying pan.

“What are you doing?” I asked her.

She said, “I’m doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very DRUNK,” she replied.

Completely puzzled, I walked away thinking to myself, “I don’t remember asking her to cook my sock.”

 

[Foreigner]

The wall does seem to move:

 

[Hvr]

Sometimes it's just so true.

 

[Hvr]

I passed the test. Oh heck, I'm old.

 

[Hvr]

So which man is game to comment on this one?

 

[Hvr]

Seems like this is true here as well.

 

[Hvr]

Maybe we should show the money how coat hangers do it?