A bit of humour

A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with “tor” and that also eats things.

The first little boy said, “Alligator.”

“Very good James, that’s a big word.

The second boy said, “Predator, Miss.”

“Yes, that’s another big word, Alan. Very well done!”

Little Johnny says, “Vibrator.”

After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says, “That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn’t eat anything.”

“Well my mother has one and she says it eats batteries like there’s no tomorrow!”
 
In the days before the flying kangaroo and Finnair, Thor, the god of thunder was riding through the clouds on his horse. He came upon a nymph, resting on a cloud. He dismounted and ravished her. and then galloped off. On his return, she was still there and he ravished her again, but this time remorse set in. "I haven't even told her who I am", he thought. So he said: "I am terribly sorry. I'm Thor." She replied: "I'm thor too, but I'm not thorry!"
 
On the first day after his divorce, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, a bottle of spring-water, 3 cans of sardines.

When he’d finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar, and some sardines into the hollow center of the curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn’t take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later – even though they’d cut their price in half – they couldn’t find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth … but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home …… and to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods!
 
On the first day after his divorce, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, a bottle of spring-water, 3 cans of sardines.

When he’d finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar, and some sardines into the hollow center of the curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn’t take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later – even though they’d cut their price in half – they couldn’t find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth … but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home …… and to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods!

Oh this is so cruel. If I laugh, I am surely going to hell. :)
 
I was in the ‘Texas Rose Saloon’ last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly gal came up from behind me, and slapped me on the cough.
She said, “Hey sexy, how about giving me your number?”
I looked at her and said, ”Have you got a pen?”
She said, “I sure do.”
I said, “Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you’re missing.”
My dental surgery is on Monday.
 
Not politically correct - you were warned!


One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you have sex with me?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" he asks, grinning at her.

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I love you so much!"

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"No, no. I just can't"

"I'm begging you..."

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's older sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice, she says:

"Dad says to go ahead and have sex with him, or I can do it... or if need be mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"

Meh.

Kind of better to watch the original than read a transcript..


[video=youtube;6Xo0vietiag]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Xo0vietiag[/video]
 
Anyway, so I just decided to delete all my German friends from my phone...

..now its Hans free

edit: dammit, just saw this has already been posted last year. Ah well
 
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A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him $10 and that continues for a year. Then suddenly the daily donation changes to $7. 50.

“Well,” the beggar thinks, “it’s still better than nothing.”

A year passes in this way until the man’s daily donation suddenly becomes $5.

“What’s going on now?” the beggar asks his donor. “First you give me $10 every day, then $7.50 and now only $5. What’s the problem?”

“Well,” the man says, “last year my eldest son went to university. It’s very expensive, so I had to cut costs. This year my eldest daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further.”

“And how many children do you have?” the beggar asks.

“Four,” the man replies.

“Well,” says the beggar, “I hope you don’t plan to educate them all at my expense”
 
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Father Murphy goes into a local bar in Dublin and approaches the first man he sees.
“Do you want to go to Heaven?” he asks and the man says, “Indeed I do, Father.”

“Then for God’s sake,” commands the priest, “leave this pub right now.”

He then goes to the next man, “Do you want to go to Heaven, my son?”

And the man answers, “Yes Father, indeed I want to do that very thing.”

“Then ye must get out of this pub right now!” orders the priest.

Father Murphy continues this throughout the pub until he comes to the last man. “Do you want to go to Heaven, man?!” exhorts the priest.

The man looks at his half-full beer, turns, looks at Father Murphy and says, “No, I don’t, Father.”

“You mean to tell me, young man, that when you die, you don’t want to go to Heaven?” asks the priest incredulously.

“Oh, well, when I die, yes Father, I certainly do. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now!”
 

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