A bit of humour

[coriander]

the last Clinton in the Whitehouse left a bad taste in her mouth

That can't be right......

 

[JessicaTam]

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas. If that runs out I will start on the red.

 

[Scr77]

Bob enters the confession both, "Forgive me father, for I have sinned".

"Go on my Son" says the Priest.

Bob continues, "Last night my wife bent over to get a frozen chicken out of the freezer, and I was so turned on that we had passionate sex on the freezer."

After a pause, the Priest, struggling to notice a sin, "That's fine my son. You are married in a loving relationship and have committed no sin."

A surprised Bob, "So we're not banned from the church?"

Father, "No, why would you be?"

Bob, "um, ah, I'm not sure....But we've been banned from Woolworths"

 

[Foreigner]

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet’s when they struck up a conversation. The Yellow Labrador turned to the Black Labrador and said, ” So why are you here? ”

The Black Lab replied, “I’m a pisser. I piss on everything….the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner’s bed.” The Yellow Lab said, ”So what’s the vet going to do?” “Gonna cut my nuts off ” came the reply from the Black Lab. “They reckon it’ll calm me down.”

The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked “Why are you here?” The Yellow Lab said, “I’m a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I’m inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner’s couch.” “So what are they going to do to you?” the Black Lab inquired. “Looks like I’m losing my nuts too,” the dejected Yellow Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, “Why are you here?” “I’m a humper,” said the Great Dane. “I’ll hump anything. I’ll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see.” “Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn’t help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away.”

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,

“So, it’s nuts off for you too, huh?”

The Great Dane said, “No. Apparently I’m here to get my nails clipped!”

 

[Cruiser Elite]

A friend saw an online store in china giving free "Apple 6" (iPhone 6) - here is what you receive!

 

[Foreigner]

Shameful. They've mastered imitating:

https://www.google.com.au/search?q=...&bih=1280#tbm=isch&q=chinese+imitation+brands

 

[JessicaTam]

Shameful. They've mastered imitating:

https://www.google.com.au/search?q=...&bih=1280#tbm=isch&q=chinese+imitation+brands

They could drive you to drink. A Johns Daphne Tenderness Whiskey anyone? :shock:

 

[Foreigner]

They could drive you to drink. A Johns Daphne Tenderness Whiskey anyone? :shock:

And pick up fast food on the way:

 

[Foreigner]

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[codash1099]

The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. ''I'm sorry,'' says the pharmacist, ''we don't have any.''

''But I always get it here,'' says the blonde.

''Do you have the container it comes in?''

''Yes!'' says the blonde, ''I will go and get it.''

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, ''This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.''

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: ''To apply, push up bottom.''

 

[codash1099]

---------------

 

[Foreigner]

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[codash1099]

The reality:

 

[Cruiser Elite]

Aint that the truth?

 

[Major]

Paddy says to Mick, "I'm getting circumcised tomorrow."

Mick says, "I had that done when I was a few days old."

Paddy asks, "Does it Hurt?"

Mick says, " Well I couldn't walk for 12 months."

 

[codash1099]

Why Pilots Prefer Airplanes Over Women

* Airplanes usually kill you quickly; a woman takes her time.

* Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

* Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go."

* Airplanes don't object to a pre-flight inspection.

* Airplanes come with a manual to explain their operation.

* Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.

* Airplanes can be flown at any time of the month.

* Airplanes don't come with in-laws.

* Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flow before.

* Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.

* Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.

* Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.

* Airplanes expect to be tied down.

* Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.

* Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

* However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's usually not good.

 

[mrs.dr.ron]

 

[Foreigner]

Just before the weekly bridge game Mr. and Mrs. Jones were an average middle-aged couple who got along well enough as long as Mr. Jones didn’t put his foot in his mouth.

One day, she was running late for the weekly bridge game with her friends she was hosting, and just before she got into the shower, she gave her husband strict instructions to just let the ladies in without talking to them ‘too much…’

When she finished having her shower and was finally done, she came downstairs all dressed up for the little party, but no one was there except her husband.

Mr. Jones looked somewhat bewildered, and he began to explain immediately, “Mrs. Smith said she had been having trouble with mice in her house, and Mrs. Brown said that she just stuffed steel wool in their little holes, so I asked her who held their little legs apart.”

 

[Foreigner]

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[rogerkambah]

[FONT=verdana, sans-serif]Little Things Can Mean a Lot
(as can correct spelling)​

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[FONT=verdana, sans-serif]Hi Bob,[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, sans-serif]This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, sans-serif]The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you, particularly in the mornings after you've left for work.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, sans-serif]I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, sans-serif]I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, sans-serif]Regards, Alan.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, sans-serif]THE ACTIONS[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, sans-serif]Bob, feeling anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife twice, killing her instantly.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, sans-serif]He returned to the lounge where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone to respond to the neighbour's text and saw he had another message:-[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, sans-serif]THE REPLY[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, sans-serif]Hi Bob,[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, sans-serif]This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my Last text, I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed, my predictive text changed ‘WiFi’ To ‘Wife’.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, sans-serif]Technology hey?!? Hope you saw the funny side of that.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, sans-serif]Regards, Alan.[/FONT]
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