A bit of humour

[Major]

Chinese Tour Guide in Shanghai...

There was this Chinese girl at a travel agency when I was in Shanghai , I
asked her if she could escort me for a city tour and asked for her mobile
number, so I could call her to make arrangements.

She got excited and said:


"sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonigh"

Wow, I'm guessing this is how Chinese women express their hospitality!

But then, my friend interpreted it for me and told me what she really said

666136429

 

[mrs.dr.ron]

 

[clazman]

First of all i am sorry for this joke ....


What do you call a old snowman?

Water

 

[Foreigner]

A blonde hadn't been to church for many many months. She always promised to go, but never did.

One day, the pastor was astounded when she suddenly show up for Sunday service. Thereafter, she was at every Sunday service, every prayer meeting, every home group meeting, etc.

Three months later, one Sunday after the service, the pastor asks her, "What happened to you? You always dodged church and now it looks like you can't get enough of it?"

She replied, "It's this new car of mine, pastor; they told me the warranty will lapse if I miss even one service!"

 

[TheRealTMA]

MrsDrRon, are you blonde? I don't understand.

 

[Foreigner]

The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a cough!"

"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"

"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a cough fish!"

"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a cough!"

Once in the boat, they marvelled at the size of the monster. "Father, that's the biggest Son of a cough I've ever seen!!!"

"Yes, it is a big Son of a cough. What should I do with it?"

"Why, eat it! Of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a cough!"

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear & his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

"Take a look at this big Son of a cough I caught!"

Sister Mary gasped & clutched her rosary, "Father!"

"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a cough fish!"

"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a cough?"

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a cough for his dinner.

"I'll even clean the Son of a cough," she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in, "What are you doing Sister?" "Father wants me to clean this big Son of a cough for the new Bishop's Dinner"

"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"

"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a cough Fish."

"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a cough can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a cough."

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"

"I caught that Son of a cough!" proclaimed the proud priest.

"And I cleaned the Son of a cough!" exclaimed the Sister.

The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a cough, using a special recipe!"

The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big smile crept across his face as he said, "You fu*kers are my kind of people."

 

[Foreigner]

MrsDrRon, are you blonde? I don't understand.

Looks like there were 3 in the blessed car...the blonde, the brunette and the blond.

 

[JessicaTam]

Looks like there were 3 in the blessed car...the blonde, the brunette and the blond.

Well spotted!

 

[whatmeworry]

For Sale...

 

[Hvr]

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

 

[Hvr]

Why doesn't Oedipus swear?

Because he kisses his Mother with that mouth!

 

[marki]

"Flight Attendant"
A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sit down at the table next to him.
He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.
https://images.rapgenius.com/db226789acb36ff9ae82f8afe08f1142.1000x736x1.png

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :
'To Fly. To Serve'?
http://www.mestodesign.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/th_baTofly-400x242.jpg
The woman looks at him blankly

He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto
'Winning the hearts of the world'?
http://img.planespotters.net/photo/...ce-Boeing-777-300_PlanespottersNet_298819.jpg
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto
'Going beyond expectations'?
https://img.planespotters.net/photo...s-boeing-747-4h6f_PlanespottersNet_641597.jpg
The woman looks at him sternly and says
'What the cough do you want?'

'Aha!' he says, "Qantas!".
https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/6f/Qantas_Airbus_A330-200_MEL_Zhao.jpg

 

[moa999]

Very old joke used with a number of Airlines as the punch line

Don't think MH has used that slogan for a decade, and unsure if AF ever did

 

[mrs.dr.ron]

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University chemistry

mid-term paper.


The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it

with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the

pleasure of enjoying it as well :


Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs

heat)?


Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas

cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.


One student, however, wrote the following:


First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need

to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which

they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets

to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different

religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that

if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.




Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not

belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls

in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of

change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for

the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell

has to expand proportionately as souls are added.



This gives two possibilities:



1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter

Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all

Hell breaks loose.


2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in

Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.


So which is it?



If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my first year

that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take

into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two

must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already

frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen

over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,

extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the

existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept

shouting "Oh my God."




THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

 

[Foreigner]

,,,,,,,,,,,,

 

[Foreigner]

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around.

The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."

So they awakened the old man and asked him to tell a story.

"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep.

"I don't know how long I was asleep when I suddenly was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest darned lion I'd ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this: "RRROOAARRR!!!"
"I tell you, I just soiled myself!"

The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have soiled myself too if a lion jumped out at me."

The old man shook his head and said, "No, no, not back then. I soiled myself just now, when I said 'RRROOAAARRR!!!' Could one of you help me out please?"

 

[marki]

Very old joke used with a number of Airlines as the punch line

Don't think MH has used that slogan for a decade, and unsure if AF ever did

Oh well first time I have seen it!

 

[Cynicor]

There's about 4 previous versions through this thread. Would only be 2 pages long if we got rid of all the repeats!

 

[Foreigner]

Seniors Alphabet:



A for arthritis, B for bad back,
C is for chest pains. Perhaps cardiac.

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight - can't read that top line.

F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention.)

H high blood pressure (I'd rather have low,)
I for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, that now fail to flex,
L for libido - what happened to sex?

Wait! I forgot about K!
K is for my knees that crack when they're bent, (Please forgive me, my Memory ain't worth a cent.)

N for neurosis, pinched nerves and stiff neck,
O is for osteo and all bones that crack.

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few.
Give me another pill; I'll be good as new!

Q is for queasiness. Fatal or flu?
R is for reflux - one meal turns into two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T for tinnitus--! hear bells in my ears.

U is for urinary: difficulties with flow,
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy", you know.

W is worry, now what's going 'round?
X is for X ray and what might be found.

Y for another year I've left behind,
Z is for zest that I still have my mind.

 

[RAM]

KEEPING A SHARP MIND IN RETIREMENT
​

As we slowly move through retirement, we need to keep ourselves occupied with small projects.........


Like this guy. (STARTING HIS CHAIN SAW) !!!!!!!






I know, I saw it right away too....

• No safety glasses
  
• No hearing PROTECTION.

And I caught something else that is really important:

• No gloves on.

I might be up in age but I am still sharp as a tack.