A bit of humour

Grandpa's don't know everything .... !!




Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days .

He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked .... "Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other ... . . . ??"

His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth .... "Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse . . . . !!"

"Oh" little Hunter said .... "OK" and went back outside to play with the other kids . . . . !!

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily ...... "Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse .... it's called Bunk Beds ....

and Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you . . . . !!"
 
Tell me have you ever wondered when and where yodelling began ? Another true story...

Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night there. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, " Who is that man going into the barn?"

"That fellow travelling through," said the farmer, "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn." The daughter said, " Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared a plate of food and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn. And she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed. The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried, " We made such passionate love last night."

"What ?" shouted the farmer as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked down from the mountainside, cupped his hand to his mouth, and yelled out.

"LAIDTHEOLDLADEETOO!"
 
An open letter from the citizens of Canada to the citizens of the United States.

You elected George H. W. Bush as president; we sent you Celine Dion.

You elected George W. Bush as president; we sent you Nickelback.

You re-elected George W. Bush as president; we sent you Justin Beiber.

Do not elect Donald Trump. You don't want to know what's coming next.
 
Posted by Major in the Totally off topic thread - long and worthwhile!
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who had been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- And maybe it was my fault.


Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death,
-by his parents, Truth and Trust,
-by his wife, Discretion,
-by his daughter, Responsibility,
-and by his son, Reason.


He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers;
- I Know My Rights
- I Want It Now
- Someone Else Is To Blame
- I'm A Victim
- Pay me for Doing Nothing


Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
 
Posted on a website. Possible third world problems:

[FONT=&amp]1[/FONT][FONT=&amp]. My iPhone fell out of my pocket and cracked my iPad.

[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]2[/FONT][FONT=&amp]. My dentist's ceiling TV is set to the wrong aspect ratio.


3. I had to sneeze during a complicated lane change at rush hour, and I was nervous that there would be an accident. Thankfully, my chauffeur is excellent and we’re safe, even though he was startled. But he forgot to say “bless you”.

[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]4[/FONT][FONT=&amp]. I can't use my toilet right now, because it's cleaning itself.

[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]5[/FONT][FONT=&amp]. I forgot to bring my phone with me when I went to poop and I was bored the entire time.

[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]6[/FONT][FONT=&amp]. I had so much leg room on this flight I couldn't reach the pocket on the chair in front of me.

[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]7[/FONT][FONT=&amp]. No one was in the elevator with me so I had no one to impress when I pressed the button to my suite.

[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]8[/FONT][FONT=&amp]. My pillow is about to expire.

[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]9[/FONT][FONT=&amp]. I took a fake sh** at work ten minutes ago to play on my smartphone but now I actually have to sh**. Now everyone is going to think I have diarrhoea.

[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]10[/FONT][FONT=&amp]. My DVR was too full to record Hoarders.

[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]11[/FONT][FONT=&amp]. I threw a champagne party to get rid of excess champagne, but guests brought champagne with them and now I have more than I started off with…

[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]12[/FONT][FONT=&amp]. I forgot to charge my electric toothbrush so I had to sweep the bristles across my teeth manually like some type of pauper

[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]13[/FONT][FONT=&amp]. My groceries heat up too much in the trunk of my mid-engines sports car.

[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]14[/FONT][FONT=&amp]. I only got 1 dipping sauce with my 20 nuggets and had to ration it like it was WWII.

[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]15[/FONT][FONT=&amp]. My favourite oatmeal bar in NYC won’t stir my oatmeal for me anymore.

[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]16.[/FONT][FONT=&amp] I don’t know which key is to which BMW.

[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]17[/FONT][FONT=&amp]. I cut my finger and now my fingerprint scanner doesn’t recognize me, so I actually have to type in the password for my computer.

[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]18[/FONT][FONT=&amp]. I had to wake up at 4am, to go on vacation.

[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]19[/FONT][FONT=&amp]. Not being able to fit your divorce settlement on a single line of a cheque.

[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]20[/FONT][FONT=&amp]. The HDTV in my fridge has a dead pixel.

[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]21[/FONT][FONT=&amp]. I browsed the Internet so much while I was supposed to be working that I have nothing interesting to look at now I’m on break.


22. Both my divorced parents have sail boats at different yacht clubs and they both want to take me sailing today.

[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]23[/FONT][FONT=&amp]. I parked my Lexus in cement and everyone is taking pictures instead of helping me.

[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]24[/FONT][FONT=&amp]. My take-out is heavy enough to make my car beep at it for not wearing a seat belt.

[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]25[/FONT][FONT=&amp]. A while ago, I spilled healthy, organic chia seeds from my drink. Now they’ve sprouted from my Dyson.

[/FONT]
 
[FONT=&amp]The Royal College of Nursing has weighed in on proposed changes to the NHS

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the

Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the

Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the

Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the

Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn’t hear of it.

The Pharmacists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the

Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the

Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the

Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the coughholes in Whitehall![/FONT]

 
Advice from a retired husband.

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are over-sensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Maggy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Maggy to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don’t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch each day in the Men’s Grill at the Golf Club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I’m ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take ’em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the front lawn. I try not to make a scene. I’m a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Maggy. I’m not saying that showing this much patience and consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.


NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Maggy was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her “Not Guilty”, accepting her defence that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.








 
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I was standing in a bar yesterday and this little Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking beer.

I said to him, “Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?”

He says “No, why the you ask me dat? Is it coz I Chinee?”

“No”, I say, “It’s because you’re drinking my friggin’ beer!”
 
There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar.

Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, “ATTENTION ALL” and farts loudly.

The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says, “Excuse me, you just farted before my wife.”

The drunks replies, ”I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was her turn.”
 
A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.

“Are you crazy?” yelled the customer, “with your hand on my steak?”

“What” answers the waiter, “You want it to fall on the floor again?”
 

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