A bit of humour

[Foreigner]

Undeniable Facts:


1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.

2. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks – PRICELESS.

4. Breaking News: Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman’s husband.

5. Arguing over a girl’s bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

I haven’t verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit…A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

 

[Foreigner]

An old joke about Calvin Coolidge when he was President …

The President and Mrs. Coolidge were being shown [separately] around an experimental government farm.

When Mrs. Coolidge came to the chicken yard she noticed that a rooster was mating very frequently. She asked the attendant how often that happened and was told, “Dozens of times each day.”

Mrs. Coolidge said, “Tell that to the President when he comes by.”

Upon being told, the President asked, “Same hen every time?”

The reply was, “Oh, no, Mr. President, a different hen every time.”

The President said, “Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge.”

 

[marki]

You need to come down hard on her...

A very soft cough suggestion !

 

[RAM]

[FONT=&quot]AN APOLOGY F[/FONT][FONT=&quot]R[/FONT][FONT=&quot]OM BELFAST GENERAL HOSPITAL[/FONT][FONT=&quot] ...... [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]


















[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Dear Mr. Murphy[/FONT][FONT=&quot],[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the redness on your cough showed it was not cancerous.

So you have nothing at all to worry yourself about.
[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]



[FONT=&quot]It was lipstick.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]We [/FONT][FONT=&quot]therefore [/FONT][FONT=&quot]deeply regret the amputation. [/FONT]

 

[RAM]

Possible basis for new film script (in the genre of Wag the Dog)

Syria Explained

Personally, I have found the whole Syrian conflict rather difficult to understand. That is of course before somebody kindly sent me this explanation. I hope this clears up any confusion you may have.President Assad (who is bad) is a nasty guy who got so horrid his people rebelled and the Rebels (who are good) started winning (hurrah!).

But then some of the rebels turned a bit nasty and are now called Islamic State (who are definitely bad) and some continued to support democracy (who are still good.)

So the Americans (who are good) started bombing Islamic State (who are bad) and giving arms to the Syrian Rebels (who are good) so they could fight Assad (who is still bad) which was good.

By the way, there is a breakaway state in the north run by the Kurds who want to fight IS (which is a good thing) but the Turkish authorities think they are bad, so we have to say they are bad whilst secretly thinking they're good and giving them guns to fight IS (which is good) but that is another matter.

Getting back to Syria.

So President Putin (who is bad, cos he invaded Crimea and the Ukraine and killed lots of folks including that nice Russian man in London with polonium poisoned sushi ) has decided to back Assad (who is still bad) by attacking ISIS (who are also bad) which is sort of a good thing?

But Putin (still bad) thinks the Syrian Rebels (who are good) are also bad, and so he bombs them too, much to the annoyance of the Americans (who are good) who are busy backing and arming the rebels (who are also good).

Now Iran (who used to be bad, but now they have agreed not to build any nuclear weapons and bomb Israel are now good) are going to provide ground troops to support Assad (still bad) as are the Russians (bad) who now have ground troops and aircraft in Syria.

So a Coalition of Assad (still bad) Putin (extra bad) and the Iranians (good, but in a bad sort of way) are going to attack IS (who are bad) which is a good thing, but also the Syrian Rebels (who are good) which is bad.

Now the British (obviously good), except some folk think that nice Mr Corbyn is not taking a stronger enough position which could endanger UK security, (which would be bad) and the Americans ( also good ) cannot attack Assad (still bad) for fear of upsetting Putin (bad) and Iran (good /bad) and now they have to accept that Assad might not be that bad after all compared to IS (who are super bad).

So Assad (bad) is now probably good, being better than IS and since Putin and Iran are also fighting IS that may now make them Good.
America (still Good) will find it hard to arm a group of rebels being attacked by the Russians for fear of upsetting Mr Putin (now good) and that nice mad Ayatollah in Iran (also Good) and so they may be forced to say that the Rebels are now Bad, or at the very least abandon them to their fate. This will lead most of them to flee to Turkey and on to Europe or join IS (still the only constantly bad group).

To Sunni Muslims, an attack by Shia Muslims (Assad and Iran) backed by Russians will be seen as something of a Holy War, and the ranks of IS will now be seen by the Sunnis as the only Jihadis fighting in the Holy War and hence many Muslims will now see IS as Good (Doh!)

Sunni Muslims will also see the lack of action by Britain and American support of their Sunni rebel brothers as something of a betrayal ( mmm…..might have a point) and hence we will be seen as Bad.

So now we have America (now bad) and Britain (also bad) providing limited support to Sunni Rebels (bad) many of whom are looking to IS (Good / bad) for support against Assad (now good) who, along with Iran (also Good) and Putin (also, now, unbelievably, Good) are attempting to retake the country Assad used to run before all this started?

I hope that clears all this up for you.

However, things may change.

 

[coriander]

Possible basis for new film script

1. You haven't been watching the latest season of Homeland, then.
2. Unfortunately, I think the summary is too close to the truth and is really OT for "A bit of Humour".

Apropos of which, and lurching even further OT, I thought the summation of the Syria / IS issue by Quinn to the US NSA meeting in the latest season of Homeland was absolutely spot-on (a better summary than I've ever heard from any politician).

 

[Foreigner]

A Chinese man and an Englishman were asked to make a sentence using 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10

The Englishman tried very hard but could not do it . He turned towards the Chinaman and very confidently said , ‘ if I cannot do this , I am sure that this is way beyond your ability . ”

The Chinaman thought for a while and came up with …

1 day I go 2 climb a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down.

The man rushed out and wanted to 5 with me.

I ran until I felt 6 and threw up.

So I got into 7- Eleven and grabbed some 8 to throw at him.

Then I took a 9 and tried to stab him.

10 God he run away.

10 I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7-Eleven.

Next day I called my boss and told him I was 6.

He said 5, tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work .

He also asked me to go climb a 3 and jump down.

I don’t understand.

I am so nice 2 him but I don’t know what he 1.

The Englishman fainted!

 

[kelvedon]

Lifted from the Sydney Morning Herald today in an article on rouge airline announcements.

A Virgin flight attended was heard announcing: "It's customary after a long-haul flight to ask for volunteers to clean the toilets. If you wish to volunteer, please stand up before the fasten seat-belt sign has been switched off."

 

[coriander]

Lifted from the Sydney Morning Herald today in an article on rouge airline announcements.

I guess the passenger who stood up would certainly have a rouge complexion once the rest of the cabin started to laugh at him/her !

 

[RooFlyer]

True story. A wonderful cousin of mine died recently died, a fit man, aged 85. He donated his body to the University of Tasmania School of Medicine.

His instruction for his obituary in the newspaper was for it to conclude:

"Rest in Pieces"

.. but his wife couldn't bring herself to do it

 

[RAM]

True story. A wonderful cousin of mine died recently died, a fit man, aged 85. He donated his body to the University of Tasmania School of Medicine.

His instruction for his obituary in the newspaper was for it to conclude:

"Rest in Pieces"

.. but his wife couldn't bring herself to do it

Either? OR? or Both?

 

[RooFlyer]

Sorry - she couldn't bring herself to place the Obit wording. Harry was a very committed Christian; the church was packed to standing room only for the funeral service. But following Harry's sense of humour in all things, the event was a hoot. Even a notorious po-faced reverend from an adjoining parish got into the spirit and cracked a few jokes at the end of one of the Readings :shock: .

 

[RAM]

[FONT=&amp]A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
[/FONT]

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[FONT=&amp]She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..
[/FONT]

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[FONT=&amp]Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
[/FONT]

​

[FONT=&amp]She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
[/FONT]

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[FONT=&amp]He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
[/FONT]

​

[FONT=&amp]For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
[/FONT]

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[FONT=&amp]Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
[/FONT]

​

[FONT=&amp]One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
[/FONT]

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[FONT=&amp]Two o'clock and no hired hand.
[/FONT]

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[FONT=&amp]Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. [/FONT]

​

[FONT=&amp]She quietly called him over to her..
[/FONT]

​

[FONT=&amp]"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
[/FONT]

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[FONT=&amp]Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
[/FONT]

​

[FONT=&amp]He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
[/FONT]

​

[FONT=&amp]He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
[/FONT]

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[FONT=&amp]"Now take off my skirt."
[/FONT]

​

[FONT=&amp]He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
[/FONT]

​

[FONT=&amp]"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was [/FONT][FONT=&amp]told and dropped it to the floor.
[/FONT]

​

[FONT=&amp]Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."[/FONT]
​

 

[Foreigner]

Once upon a time a small boy named Hameed lived in a tiny Moroccan village. All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him, “You are driving me crazy Hameed!!!”

One day his mother went to check out how he is doing at school and the teacher told her honestly that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her whole career. The mother could not accept such a feed-back and she took her son out from that school. She even moved to another city.

25 years later, that teacher got a cardio disorder and all the doctors have advised her to go for an open heart operation which only one surgeon could perform. Left with no other choice she did it and the surgery was successful. When she opened her eyes, she saw a handsome doctor smiling to her,

Being under anesthesia effect, she wanted to thank him but could not talk. In turn, he was staring at her face which started turning blue. She was raising her hand trying to tell him something but in vain and she died.

The doctor was shocked and was trying to understand what just happened, till he turned back and saw our friend Hameed (working as a cleaner in that hospital) who had unplugged the ventilator to connect his vacuum cleaner.






Don’t tell me you were thinking that Hameed became a doctor …

 

[Foreigner]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. “You all have obsessions,” he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.”

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: “Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: “Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child’s name, Brandy.

At this point, the fourth mother, Donna quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, “Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he’s talking about. Let’s pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.”

 

[NM]

There was a tap at the window .... now that's a strange place for a tap ...

 

[Hvr]

There was a tap at the window .... now that's a strange place for a tap ...

At least you didn't force it.

 

[Foreigner]

,,,,,,,,,,,,

 

[rogerkambah]

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.
When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and
running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked,

'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'



It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station.
As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner,Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.

'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'



A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning
his tuxedo, she warned,

'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

 

[codash1099]