A bit of humour

The lineage is now revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", but now you can handle this situation. Jack is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep N.Schitt Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Mr.Scherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspapers announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride Pisa Schitt.
 
Cynicor said:
There's about 4 previous versions through this thread. Would only be 2 pages long if we got rid of all the repeats!
Click to expand...

Ok ok ..... Guys lighten up a little :rolleyes:
 
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At the work Christmas party, everyone was jumping for joy. Just why Joy had chosen that moment to swing from the chandelier remains a mystery.
 
An old woman walked up and tied her mule to the hitching post.

As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whisky in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, "Hey old woman, have you ever danced?"

The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No,.... I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said "Well, you old bag, you're going to dance noe," and started shooting at the old woman feet.

The old woman prospector-- not wanting to get her toes blown off -- started hopping around. Everyone was laughing. When his last bullet had been fired, the gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out her double-barrelled shotgun and coughed both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air, and the crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sound too and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the gun never wavered in the old woman hands, as she quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a Mule's cough?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No m'am... but I've always wanted to."

There are five lessons here for all of us:

1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.
 
An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale coughtail lounge.

He is in his mid-eighties, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of a good after shave.

He presents a very well looked after image.

Seated at the bar is an elderly really classy looking lady, (mid-seventies).

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits beside her.

He orders a drink.

He takes a sip.

He slowly turns to her and says,


"So tell me, do I come here often?"
 
Murphy from Dublin, wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store
So he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris , he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.
To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table
was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table ,

Asked him something in French (which Murphy could n o t understand) , so he motioned to the vacant chair and
invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to
communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass

And showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it,

And she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.


They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.

She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
 
Four friends spent weeks planning the perfect boys-out trip.

Two days before the group is to leave, Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he is not going. Rob's friends were very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three got to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.

" Damn man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who'?

"I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see-through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did.

"And then she said, 'Now you can do what ever you want.'

"So here I am....!!!"
 
Press interviewed Monica lewenski about what she thought about another Clinton in the Whitehouse.She responded with the last Clinton in the Whitehouse left a bad taste in her mouth
 

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