A bit of humour

[Bundy Bear]

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

 

[Major]

On a train from London to Manchester an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment

"The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.

Look at me... I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood and some Spanish blood.

What do you say to that?"

The Englishman lowered his newspaper and replied: "How very sporting of your mother!"

 

[Foreigner]

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.'
The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!'

 

[Foreigner]

From The Telegraph (uk)

 

[Major]

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'
The blonde replies,
'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that
my mother had passed away.'
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says,
'Why don't you go home for the
day? Take the day off to relax & rest.'
'Thanks, but I'd be better off here.
I need to keep my mind off it &
I have the best chance of doing that here.'
The boss agrees & allows the blonde to work as usual.
A couple of hours pass & the boss decides to check on the blonde.
He looks out from his office & sees the blonde crying hysterically...
'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.
'No!' exclaims the blonde.
'I just received a horrible call from my
sister. Her mother died, too!'

 

[RAM]

Not politically correct - you were warned!
​

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you have sex with me?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" he asks, grinning at her.

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I love you so much!"

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"No, no. I just can't"

"I'm begging you..."

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's older sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice, she says:

"Dad says to go ahead and have sex with him, or I can do it... or if need be mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"

 

[RAM]

[FONT=&amp]Elderly Couple Texting - Very Romantic!!!!

[/FONT]


An elderly couple, who had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.

She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you."

After a short delay...

The husband texted back to her:

"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

 

[RAM]

Philosophers Of The Last Century

~ John Glenn...
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

~ Desmond Tutu...
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land.
They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes.
When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.

~ David Letterman...
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestlingis real but the moon landing was faked.

~ Howard Hughes...
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I'm a billionaire.

~ Old Italian proverb...
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.

~ Betsy Salkind...
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.

~ Jean Kerr...
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.

~ Zsa Zsa Gabor...
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.

~ Jeff Foxworthy...
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't

~ Prince Philip...
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

~ Emo Philips...
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

~ Harrison Ford...
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

~ Spike Milligan...
The best cure for Sea Sickness, is to sit under a tree.

~ Robin Hall...
Lawyers believe a person is innocent until proven broke

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger...
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.

~ WH Auden...
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.

~ Johnny Carson...
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.

~ Steve Martin...
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap

~ Doug Hanwell...
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.

~ George Roberts...
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone

~ Jonathan Winters...
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.

~ Robert Benchley...
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it

 

[Foreigner]

Two terrorists were in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.

“If you do not mind me saying,” said the second terrorist, “that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why don’t you take it out ?”

“I regret I cannot”, lamented the first terrorist. “It is permanently stuck into my butt.”

“I do not understand,” said the other.

The first terrorist says, “I was walking along the beach when I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, 'I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.'"

I said, “No shi*?”

 

[Foreigner]

A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.

A passer-by remarked, “That guy must have been a very avid fisherman.”

“Oh, he still is,” remarked one of the mourners. "As a matter of fact, he’s headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife."

 

[Foreigner]

A woman went into a bar in Calgary and saw a Mountie with his feet propped up on a table.

He had the biggest boots she’d ever seen. She asked him if was true what they say about men with big feet.

The Mountie grinned and said, “Sure is, little lady. Why don’t you come over to the barracks and let me prove it to you?”

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, “Well, thanks, ma’am. I’m real flattered, nobody ever paid me for my services before.”

“Don’t be flattered…take the money and buy yourself boots that fit.”

 

[Bundy Bear]

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 79-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you have caused some needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.'

The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated loudly.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'What is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter

 

[Foreigner]

Pamela, the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake however, when she accused Tony, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon.

She commented to Tony and others that everyone seeing it there would know that he was an alcoholic.

Tony, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Tony quietly parked his pickup in front of Pamela’s house……….and he left it there all night!

 

[Foreigner]

,,,,,,,,,,,,

 

[Major]

An old Canadian priest lay dying. He sent a message for a Canada Revenue Agency(CRA) Supervisor and his Lawyer to come to the hospital.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the priest held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

The priest grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the Canada Revenue Agency Supervisor and the lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the priest had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the Lawyer asked, " Father, why did you ask the two of us to come here? "

The old priest mustered all his strength, and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I'd like to go."

 

[RAM]

[FONT=&amp]Jewish Comedians. [/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]Some of the old kind of Yiddish humour. Not a single swear word:[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?"[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]The man says, "I make a good living."[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
[/FONT]
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[FONT=&amp]I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me![/FONT]

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[FONT=&amp]Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea .[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" [/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]Patient: "I AM 60!" [/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]----------------------------------------------------------------------[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. [/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]--------------------------------------------------------------------------[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears. " [/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]Doctor: "Don't answer!"[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking.[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]A man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?"[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]The son said, "Why are you so weak?"[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]She asks, "What part is it?"[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."[/FONT]

 

[Foreigner]

How to keep people from knocking:

 

[Foreigner]

In MUC transfer to international departure:

 

[Foreigner]

,,,,,,,,,,,,

 

[RAM]

Slightly OT but worth a look...

[FONT=&amp]THE FINAL INSPECTION[/FONT][FONT=&amp]

[/FONT][FONT=&amp]The soldier stood and faced God,[/FONT][FONT=&amp]
[/FONT][FONT=&amp]Which must always come to pass.
He hoped his shoes were shining,
Just as brightly as his brass.

'Step forward now, you soldier,
How shall I deal with you ?
Have you always turned the other cheek ?
To My Church have you been true?'

The soldier squared his shoulders and said,
'No, Lord, I guess I ain't.
Because those of us who carry guns,
Can't always be a saint.

I've had to work most Sundays,
And at times my talk was tough.
And sometimes I've been violent,
Because the world is awfully rough.

But, I never took a penny,
That wasn't mine to keep...
Though I worked a lot of overtime,
When the bills got just too steep.

And I never passed a cry for help,
Though at times I shook with fear.
And sometimes, God, forgive me,
I've wept unmanly tears.

I know I don't deserve a place,
Among the people here.
They never wanted me around,
Except to calm their fears.

If you've a place for me here, Lord,
It needn't be so grand.
I never expected or had too much,
But if you don't, I'll understand.

There was a silence all around the throne,
Where the saints had often trod.
As the soldier waited quietly,
For the judgment of his God.

'Step forward now, you soldier,
You've borne your burdens well.
Walk peacefully on Heaven's streets,
You've done your time in Hell.'

Author Unknown[/FONT]