A bit of humour

[Foreigner]

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither Doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids'.

 

[Foreigner]

Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "the heart would be just below the left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

 

[straitman]

Anyone who's suffered a hot summer in Oz should relate to this.

 

[Deleted member]

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying cough told you I was speeding, too!"

 

[anat0l]

A short bit on airport security from comedian Jim Jefferies.

Warning: strong, not politically correct, NSFW language; may offend.

https://youtu.be/nGGQWfLzkeE

 

[coriander]

A short bit on airport security from comedian Jim Jefferies.

Whilst there's a lot of dross in the comments (that's not unsual), I liked the comeback comment of one person, when responding to a chap who said that in his preteen years a protractor in his geometry set was confiscated by TSA, said - it was a "Weapon of Math Instruction"

 

[drron]

This actually occurred today on our cruise.A lecture on whales.A fellow in the front row actually asked-
How do they get the caviar out of Beluga whales?
The lecturer incredibly remained straight faced.

 

[RAM]

This actually occurred today on our cruise.A lecture on whales.A fellow in the front row actually asked-
How do they get the caviar out of Beluga whales?
The lecturer incredibly remained straight faced.

If only they'd replied, "With tweezers..."

Good to see someone's education system was worth every dollar!

 

[anat0l]

These may not amuse the younger folk around here:

The Odor Of These 17 Dad Jokes Is Pun-gent | Diply

 

[Flashback]

These may not amuse the younger folk around here:

The Odor Of These 17 Dad Jokes Is Pun-gent | Diply

I use the 2nd one quite a lot and I'm not even a dad! :mrgreen:

 

[Deleted member]

This actually occurred today on our cruise.A lecture on whales.A fellow in the front row actually asked-
How do they get the caviar out of Beluga whales?
The lecturer incredibly remained straight faced.

I'm reminded of the (supposed) question from an American tourist on a bus tour, when Windsor castle was pointed out to the pax, as they were making their way to London. "Why did they build it so close to the airport"?

 

[straitman]

A flight is on its way to Sydney, when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here.”

The flight attendant goes into the coughpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here.”

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.

The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry.” And gets up and goes back to her seat in economy…

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

I told her, “First class isn’t going to Sydney “.

 

[get me outta here]

That may be because they went to one of those schools that doesn't believe in sex education or science education.

If only they'd replied, "With tweezers..."

Good to see someone's education system was worth every dollar!

 

[straitman]

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'

 

[straitman]

Not strictly a joke but a very good and funny aviation based story.

Military Pilot Shares The Most Amazing Story Ever. This Is Gold.

:shock:

 

[Deleted member]

Not strictly a joke but a very good and funny aviation based story.

Military Pilot Shares The Most Amazing Story Ever. This Is Gold.

:shock:

Nice story.

 

[whatmeworry]

One for the Doctors...

 

[Hvr]

So who here would do this? Or has done this?

 

[whatmeworry]

Halloween is coming up.

 

[Cruiser Elite]

What deep thinkers men are. I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of

saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain

that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer.