A bit of humour
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vetrade
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Re: One knock too many?
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive.......press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities......press 3,4,5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional.....press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are dyslexic.......press 96969696969696
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss.....press 9 if you have short-term memory loss...press 9
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive.......press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities......press 3,4,5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional.....press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are dyslexic.......press 96969696969696
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss.....press 9 if you have short-term memory loss...press 9
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
mrs.dr.ron
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Re: One knock too many?
codash1099
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Re: One knock too many?
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mrs.dr.ron
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Re: One knock too many?
rogerkambah
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Re: One knock too many?
The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
‘Hallo, Mr. Hollande!’ a heavily accented voice said. ‘This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!’
‘Well Paddy’, Hollande replied. “How big is your army?’
‘Right now,’ says Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, ‘there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!’
Hollande paused. ‘I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command’.
‘Begorra!’ says Paddy, ‘I’ll have to ring you back’.
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.
‘Mr. Hollande, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!’
‘And what equipment would that be Paddy?’ Hollande asks.
‘Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s farm tractor’.
Hollande sighs, amused. ‘I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke’.
‘Saints preserve us!’ says Paddy. ‘I’ll have to get back to you’.
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day, ‘Mr. Hollande, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the coughpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!’
Hollande was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. ‘I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!’
‘Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!’ says Paddy, ‘I will have to ring you back’.
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. ‘Top o’ the mornin’, Mr. Hollande! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war’.
‘Really? I am sorry to hear that,’ says Hollande. ‘Why the sudden change of heart?’
‘Well,’ says Paddy, ‘we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners’.
The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
‘Hallo, Mr. Hollande!’ a heavily accented voice said. ‘This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!’
‘Well Paddy’, Hollande replied. “How big is your army?’
‘Right now,’ says Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, ‘there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!’
Hollande paused. ‘I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command’.
‘Begorra!’ says Paddy, ‘I’ll have to ring you back’.
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.
‘Mr. Hollande, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!’
‘And what equipment would that be Paddy?’ Hollande asks.
‘Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s farm tractor’.
Hollande sighs, amused. ‘I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke’.
‘Saints preserve us!’ says Paddy. ‘I’ll have to get back to you’.
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day, ‘Mr. Hollande, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the coughpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!’
Hollande was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. ‘I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!’
‘Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!’ says Paddy, ‘I will have to ring you back’.
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. ‘Top o’ the mornin’, Mr. Hollande! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war’.
‘Really? I am sorry to hear that,’ says Hollande. ‘Why the sudden change of heart?’
‘Well,’ says Paddy, ‘we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners’.
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Re: One knock too many?
[FONT=&]PEEING ON MY FLOWERS -[/FONT]
[FONT=&]A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am,there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."[/FONT]
[FONT=&]"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady."I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me,Officer."[/FONT]
[FONT=&]"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]"Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"[/FONT]
[FONT=&]"Oh, no, no", said the old lady.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]"You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, [/FONT]
[FONT=&]right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, [/FONT]
[FONT=&]'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. [/FONT]
[FONT=&]Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'[/FONT]
[FONT=&]"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing."OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"[/FONT]
[FONT=&]"Not everybody pays."[/FONT]
[FONT=&]PEEING ON MY FLOWERS -[/FONT]
[FONT=&]A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am,there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."[/FONT]
[FONT=&]"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady."I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me,Officer."[/FONT]
[FONT=&]"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]"Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"[/FONT]
[FONT=&]"Oh, no, no", said the old lady.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]"You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, [/FONT]
[FONT=&]right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, [/FONT]
[FONT=&]'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. [/FONT]
[FONT=&]Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'[/FONT]
[FONT=&]"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing."OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"[/FONT]
[FONT=&]"Not everybody pays."[/FONT]
Re: One knock too many?
FROM ROLLS-ROYCE STAFF MAGAZINE
Common sense not so common....
Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken shot out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British
scientists for suggestions.
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo!
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V
"Defrost the chicken."
FROM ROLLS-ROYCE STAFF MAGAZINE
Common sense not so common....
Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken shot out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British
scientists for suggestions.
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo!
||
||
||
||
||
||
||
||
||
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V
"Defrost the chicken."
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Re: One knock too many?
What do you call a hobbit in a sex shop?
cough Baggins
What do you call a hobbit in a sex shop?
cough Baggins
TheRealTMA
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You never know...
[FONT=&]A 'touch' of Britain - Complaints to Councils - be warned...[/FONT]
[FONT=&]Extracts from letters written by council tenants:
[/FONT]
[FONT=&]A 'touch' of Britain - Complaints to Councils - be warned...[/FONT]
[FONT=&]Extracts from letters written by council tenants:
[/FONT]
- [FONT=&]It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.[/FONT]
- [FONT=&]I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.[/FONT]
- [FONT=&]I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.[/FONT]
- [FONT=&]Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.[/FONT]
- [FONT=&]I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.[/FONT]
- [FONT=&]My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?[/FONT]
- [FONT=&]I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.[/FONT]
- [FONT=&]Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.[/FONT]
- [FONT=&]I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.[/FONT]
- [FONT=&]50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.[/FONT]
- [FONT=&]The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.[/FONT]
- [FONT=&]The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.[/FONT]
- [FONT=&]Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.[/FONT]
- [FONT=&]Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.[/FONT]
- [FONT=&]I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cough wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.[/FONT]
- [FONT=&]The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.[/FONT]
- [FONT=&]Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.[/FONT]
- [FONT=&]I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.[/FONT]
- [FONT=&]Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..[/FONT]
- [FONT=&]I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.[/FONT]
- [FONT=&]This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.[/FONT]
- [FONT=&]My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.[/FONT]
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coriander
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Re: One knock too many?
... or not. See snopes.com: Chicken Cannon
I've heard multiple versions of this story over the years. Two constant theme is one organisation using a frozen chicken and being too stupid to work out the cause of the error, having to contact the organisation who suggested the experiment in the first place for a solution.
... or not. See snopes.com: Chicken Cannon
I've heard multiple versions of this story over the years. Two constant theme is one organisation using a frozen chicken and being too stupid to work out the cause of the error, having to contact the organisation who suggested the experiment in the first place for a solution.
quokka77
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One for the cit1 customers...
45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great - The Onion - America's Finest News Source
45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great - The Onion - America's Finest News Source
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