A bit of humour

[Major]

Dining out


A man and a woman were out having a quiet, candle lit dinner at a corner table in a fine
restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly
noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table,
but the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and
out of sight under the table cloth. Still, the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behaviour a bit risqué and worried that it
might offend other diners, went over to the table and tactfully said to the
man, "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."

The man looked up calmly and said, "No, she didn't. She just walked in.

 

[mushez]

Rumor has it that in the 80's William Shatner and Stevie Nix hooked up and got hitched for around 48 hours in Las Vegas until they nulled it and went their separate ways.

In the process Stevie wanted a hyphenated name - so was known for a few days as "Stevie Shatner-Nix"

 

[Major]

TheProper way to call someone a cough

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.

The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said,"We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00.

He confessed that he was the pro at a neighbouring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation.

And, if you want to bring your Mother and Father along, I'll marrythem.

 

[straitman]

An old Australian priest lay dying. He sent a message for an Australian Tax Office supervisor and his lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the priest held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The priest grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both the Australian Tax Office supervisor and the lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments, however they were also puzzled because the priest had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the lawyer asked, “Father, why did you ask the two of us to come here?”

The old priest mustered all his strength, and then whispered weakly…

“Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I’d like to go”.

 

[whatmeworry]

I think most agree with this...

 

[Foreigner]

Source: The Telegraph, UK

 

[clazman]

In the WA Sunday times this morning it appears that the Fremantle Dockers trophy room was burgled overnight.

Police media are saying they are looking for two suspect who stole the carpet

 

[RAM]

And people wonder why obesity is a growing issue...

Sad but becoming increasingly true...

But then why is the average Australian house size getting bigger?

 

[Foreigner]

,,,,,,,,,,,,

 

[Foreigner]

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[RAM]

Most of the newest cars have a “Back-Up Sensor” that warns the driver before the rear bumper actually comes in contact with something.

Most people probably think that this valuable feature came out of the minds of engineers, but it was recently disclosed that the concept was first developed by a Chinese farmer.

His invention was simple and effective.

Scroll down to see a photo of his Back-Up Sensor. It emits a high-pitched squeal when the vehicle backs into something.

 

[Flashback]

Most of the newest cars have a “Back-Up Sensor” that warns the driver before the rear bumper actually comes in contact with something.

Most people probably think that this valuable feature came out of the minds of engineers, but it was recently disclosed that the concept was first developed by a Chinese farmer.

His invention was simple and effective.

Scroll down to see a photo of his Back-Up Sensor. It emits a high-pitched squeal when the vehicle backs into something.

Image seems to be a dead link...

 

[anat0l]

Image seems to be a dead link...

Nope, just a link that's been copied incorrectly since it belonged to an email.

The most popular image with the exact text of the joke is linked here: Image_zpsw9kaiwhv.jpg Photo by hotfingrs | Photobucket

I haven't hot linked it because it might not be appropriate for AFF in public (though it is not strictly NSFW).

 

[RAM]

I ran it past a few and they thought the picture was PG at worst. Admittedly it was post wall-to-wall red carpet plastering the TV channels. Tame by comparison was one comment.

Most of the newest cars have a “Back-Up Sensor” that warns the driver before the rear bumper actually comes in contact with something.

Most people probably think that this valuable feature came out of the minds of engineers, but it was recently disclosed that the concept was first developed by a Chinese farmer.

His invention was simple and effective.

Scroll down to see a photo of his Back-Up Sensor. It emits a high-pitched squeal when the vehicle backs into something.

Sorry about that folks. I forgot the image issue!

 

[Captain Halliday]

It's time:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4EUTMPuvHo

 

[JessicaTam]

It's time:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4EUTMPuvHo

Indeed it is. And "It's not plural"!

 

[Andyzx]

I was following Mrs Zx's KUL-LHR flight yesterday on flightradar24. All good fun, I decided to take a screen shot of the flight track. I know she was arriving early into LHR but as the pic shows all the flights in the northern hemisphere were chasing them i am glad they weren't the angry orange/red flights from the USA..

 

[Captain hum]

It's time:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4EUTMPuvHo

Queenslander's won't understand this

 

[Major]

Medicare...

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well...
We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

 

[Foreigner]

Bob had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.

After a few weeks of this, his boss was mad and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night's sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.

"Boss," he said, "the pill my doctor prescribed actually worked!"

"That's all fine," said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"