A bit of humour

[anat0l]

Australian comedian perfectly sums up why other countries think US gun laws are crazy - Vox

Note: Very strong language, may offend, certainly NSFW.

 

[JohnM]

More from Jim Jefferies with relevance to AFF. Again, warning: very strong language.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lSKo5Oaa7II

 

[JessicaTam]

Some of the jokes from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe:

I've just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans-free.

Clowns divorce: custardy battle.

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

I decided to sell my Hoover ... It was just collecting dust.

 

[codash1099]

What a guy!!

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked. “It smells absolutely incredible!"

Being a 'kind-hearted Scotsman', he thought, "What the heck..., I'll treat her!"
[FONT=&quot]
So, they walked past it again...[/FONT]

 

[RAM]

Somewhat explicit language/activity IMPLIED


Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic: Cost - $29.99
Clinton: Cost - $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bull**** artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill

Titanic:During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember anything.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica.. Ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing

 

[straitman]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

 

[Foreigner]

For their anniversary, a couple went out for a romantic dinner. Their teenage daughters said they would fix a dessert and leave it waiting.

When they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"

"I suppose," the husband responded dryly, "we could clean the house."

 

[Foreigner]

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the
pastor and calmly said,

"Well, she's there......"

 

[Foreigner]

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The Blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'

Bob says, 'You know, I'll bet he jumps.'

The blonde replied, 'Well, I'll bet he won't.'

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'

Bob replied, 'I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news so I knew he would jump.'

The blond replied, 'I did too... but I didn't thing he'd do it again.'

Bob took the money.

 

[Foreigner]

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.

Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: 'It is illegal to put 5
people in a Quattro, Quattro means four'

'Quattro is just the name of the automobile,' the Englishman retorts
disbelievingly. 'Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry
five persons.''

You cannot pull that one on me,' replies Paddy 'Quattro means four.
You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.

'The Englishmen replies angrily, 'You idiot ! Call your supervisor
over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!'

'Sorry,' responds Paddy, 'Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.'

 

[drron]

Murphy asks Paddy why he was talking into an envelope.
Paddy replies-Im sending a voicemail you stupid idiot.

 

[Foreigner]

Our pastor, an avid golfer, was once taking part in a local tournament. As he was preparing to tee off, the organizer of the tournament approached him and pointed to the dark, threatening storm clouds that were gathering.

"Preacher," the organizer said, "I trust you'll see to it that the weather won't turn bad on us."

Our pastor shook his head. "Sorry," he replied. "I'm in sales, not management."

 

[wil]

1. It is important to find a woman who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans and who has a job.

2. It is important to find a woman who makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a woman who is dependable and doesn't lie.

4. It is important to find a woman who's good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.



5. It is vital that these four women never meet!

Reminds me of a quote from Samuel L Jackson, he said "I am always frank and earnest with women..... In one city I'm frank and in the other I'm earnest"

 

[JessicaTam]

Our pastor, an avid golfer, was once taking part in a local tournament. As he was preparing to tee off, the organizer of the tournament approached him and pointed to the dark, threatening storm clouds that were gathering.

"Preacher," the organizer said, "I trust you'll see to it that the weather won't turn bad on us."

Our pastor shook his head. "Sorry," he replied. "I'm in sales, not management."

Father Brown and Mr Smith headed out for a round of golf.

On the first tee, Mr Smith swung but failed to connect with the ball. "Oh Christ! I missed".

Father Brown was aghast and told him that he must not blaspheme. Mr Smith apologised and they continued with their game.

At the fourth tee, Mr Smith failed to hit the ball again. "Oh Christ, I missed". Once again Father Brown berated him for his language. "The lord will strike you down if continue to blaspheme", he said.

Mr Smith kept his composure despite a shocking game until the seventeenth hole. He swung and missed. "Oh Christ, I missed again", he exclaimed.

A bolt of lightning crackled from the heavens and struck Father Brown stone dead. A booming voice from above shouts down, "Oh Christ, I missed".

 

[Foreigner]

An Irishman arrived at JFK Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.
An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman.
"I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

 

[Foreigner]

,,,,,,,,,,,,

 

[Foreigner]

A lawyer calls his client, a giant company's CEO, and tells him "I have bad news and good news for you."
The CEO says "I had a hard day, please me, start with the good news."
The lawyer: "Your wife has invested $20,000 in five pictures worth a minimum of 2 million dollars...!"
The CEO enthusiastically says "very nice indeed!! You made my day. What about the bad news?"
The lawyer: "These images are you in bed with your secretary."

 

[Foreigner]

No one believes seniors . . everyone thinks they are senile...



An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally.'

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money-- fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.'
Sally said, 'Finders keepers.' She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.

'Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?'

Sally said, 'No.' Andy said, 'She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.'
Sally said, 'Don't believe him, he's getting senile.'

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.
One says: 'Tell us the story from the beginning'
Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . '

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, 'We're outta here.'

 

[Foreigner]

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course, child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

 

[RAM]

One knock too many?

'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'

(Shane Wakelin).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'

(Mick Malthouse - Collingwood).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.'

(Peter Bell - Fremantle - on his University Law studies).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'You guys line up alphabetically by height.' and 'You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.'

(Barry Hall Sydney Captain at training)..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Brock Maclean ( Melbourne ) on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his visit to Egypt :

'I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.'

(Kevin Sheedy on James Hird).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jonathan Brown, on night Grand Finals vs Day Games

'It's basically the same, just darker.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ron Barassi talking about Gary Cowton 'I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?'

He said, 'Barass, I don't know and I don't care.' (It is the EXCEPTION that proves the rule after all!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Barry Hall ( Sydney ) when asked about the upcoming season:

'I want to kick 70 or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'Luke Hodge - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago'

(Dermott Brereton).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'Chad had done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator.'

(Mark Williams).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At least this one could have been ironic?

'We actually got the winning goal three minutes from the end but then they scored.'

(Ben Cousins, West Coast Eagles).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.'

(Luke Darcy).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical.'

(Dermott Brereton).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'Sure there have been injuries and deaths in football - but none of them serious.'

(Adrian Anderson).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.

(Andrew Demetriou - past CEO of AFL).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'I would not say he (Chris Judd) is the best centreman in the AFL but there are none better.'

(Dermott Brereton).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'I never comment on umpires and I'm not going to break the habit of a

Lifetime for that prat.' (Terry Wallace).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Garry Lyon : 'Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?'

David Swartz: 'On what?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.'

(Dermott Brereton).

And they also get paid......................a bit of a worry!?