A bit of humour

[Foreigner]

A fruit farmer hired two new workers for his fields, but before he sent them out for the day's work, he told them he had just one rule: don't steal any fruit. The two agreed to obey the rule.

After the day was over, the two workers came in to report to the farmer. He asked them if they had stolen any fruit, and immediately their conscience forced them to tell the truth.

"Yes, we did. We ate some when we got hungry," they said.

The farmer replied, "Ok, here is your punishment. I want each of you to go pick ten of your favorite fruit and come back to me."

The men couldn't believe their ears. This seemed more like a reward than a punishment!

After fifteen minutes, the first thief came back with ten cherries. The farmer promptly told him that as part of his punishment, he would have to stuff each cherry up his nose. The thief was upset about this, but he knew he had done wrong, so he slowly began to push the cherries up his nose one by one.

As he was working on the third cherry, he began to laugh hysterically. The farmer asked him, "What's so funny?"

The thief replied, "The other guy is out there picking watermelons!"

 

[anat0l]

A somewhat humorous campaign.

Canon's Humorous 'Never Again' Ads Show Why You Should Print Your Photos

 

[RAM]

Canon's humourous campaign

Absolutely predictable for many of the adverts - still good though!

...and why does he look scared?"

 

[anat0l]

Re: Canon's humourous campaign

[translated from a joke written in French]

A psychology professor starts his class and addresses his students, "Today, we will discuss the different stages of anger."

He takes out his phone, dials a random number and asks the person at the other end, "Hello, could I speak to Jack, please?"

The response from a woman on the other end of the line is, "Sorry sir, you have the wrong number, there is no Jack here."

He hangs up, then turns to his students and explains that this is the conditioning phase.

He calls the number again, and the woman, a little annoyed this time, replies, "I already told you there is no Jack here!"

He repeats this about a dozen times, each time being yelled at by the woman, who becomes progressively more annoyed, until at last she is absolutely hysterical. At this point, he addresses his students and explains that this is the ultimate stage of anger.

One student in the back raises his hand and says, "Sir, there is one stage even higher than that."

To illustrate this, he comes to the front, takes the phone from the professor, calls the number and said, "Hello Madam, my name is Jack. Are there any messages for me?"

 

[codash1099]

[FONT=&quot] Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening flight from Glasgow, the lead flight attendant for the cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement..: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up one minute prior to takeoff, by our airport catering service... I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals... I truly apologise for this mistake and inconvenience." [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued.. , "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."

Her next announcement came 90 minutes later... "If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available." [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]

 

[JessicaTam]

[FONT=&amp] Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening flight from Glasgow, the lead flight attendant for the cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement..: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up one minute prior to takeoff, by our airport catering service... I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals... I truly apologise for this mistake and inconvenience." [/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]
When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued.. , "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."

Her next announcement came 90 minutes later... "If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available." [/FONT]

Wow! 90 minutes?

 

[straitman]

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was not perfect, they got along very well.

One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him to arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds? Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? It’s made of concrete.

I don’t think you understand. Do either of you have a real grudge? No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like? All my relations are still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage? We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up? No, I always up before her.

Why do you want this divorce? She going to kill me.

What makes you think that? I got proof.

What kind of proof? She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English pretty good, and it say POLISH REMOVER.

 

[anat0l]

[translated from a joke written in French]

Creation

The 1st day, God created the cow and said to it, "Rest in the fields with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun. Make calves and give your milk to support the farmer. I give you a lifespan of 60 years."

The cow replies, "This hard life you give to me is 60 years? I'll be OK with just 20 years and you can keep the other 40!"

And God agrees with the cow.

The second day, God created the dog. He says to it, "Rest sitting all day on the doorstep of the house and bark at anyone who passes by. I give you a lifespan of 20 years."

The dog replies, "That's too long for all that barking! Give me 10 years and you can keep the other 10."

And so God agrees with the dog.

On the third day, God created the monkey, and says to it, "Amuse people, do smart tricks, make people laugh. I give you a lifespan of 20 years."

The monkey replies, "Make all these antics for 20 years? That's boring! The dog gave you back 10 years, right? Then, I'll do that too, OK?"

Once again, God agrees to this.

On the fourth day, God created man. He says to the man, "Eat, sleep, play, make love, and enjoy yourself. Don't worry about doing anything. I'll give you a lifespan of 20 years."

The man replies, "What? Only 20 years? That's crazy! Tell you what, you take my 20 years, the 40 you took from the cow, the 10 you took from the dog and the monkey. That makes 80 years, OK?

God replies, "Sounds alright with me! Done!"


So for the first 20 years of our lives, we eat, sleep, play, make love and enjoy ourselves and don't do anything.

For the next 40 years of our lives, we work like a slave under the sun to maintain our families.

For the next 10 years of our lives, we do all sorts of tricks and antics to amuse our grandchildren.

And for the last 10 years, we sit in front of our house barking at everyone!

 

[RAM]

The way the pre-flight announcements should be done.....

[FONT=&amp]She is a very fast talker, so pay attention to the script on left of screen....
[/FONT]
This is WORTH the time to listen....

Pre-Flight Announcement

 

[TomVexille]

Re: The way the pre-flight announcements should be done.....

[FONT=&amp]She is a very fast talker, so pay attention to the script on left of screen....
[/FONT]
This is WORTH the time to listen....

Pre-Flight Announcement

WN do know how to have fun

 

[Freq Flier 2013]

Re: The way the pre-flight announcements should be done.....

[FONT=&amp]She is a very fast talker, so pay attention to the script on left of screen....
[/FONT]
This is WORTH the time to listen....

Pre-Flight Announcement

Great video !!

 

[Foreigner]

Danny, the big wrestler entered a bar and ordered his beer. He sipped from his mug, then loudly announced, "All you people of the left side of the bar are bloody idiots!"

There was silence in the bar. Danny asked again ,"Does anyone have a problem with that?"

He had a few more sips then announced again "All you people of the right side of the bar are cowards!"

There was silence in the bar.

He looked around and said, "Does anyone have a problem with that?"

A man got up and walked towards him. Danny looked him in the eye and said, "You got a problem, dude?"

The man replied, "No problem. I'm just going to the right side of the bar."

 

[Foreigner]

Two doctors in practice in a small country clinic had to hire a new nurse when the one they had won the lottery and quit.
They interviewed Nurse Nancy and decided to hire her. She had only worked two days when one doctor called the other to his office and said that they would have to let Nurse Nancy go.
"Why, we just hired her?"
"Well, I think she is dyslexic and gets things backward. I told her to give Mr. Smith two shots of morphine every 24 hours but she gave him 24 shots in two hours and it almost killed him. I told her to give Mrs. Jones an enema every 12 hours and she gave her 12 in one hour."
The doctor had barely finished his reasons when the other doctor rushed out of the room.
"Where are you going in such a hurry?" the doctor asked.
"To see Nurse Nancy. I just instructed her to prick Mr. Hill's Boil!"

 

[Foreigner]

The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute and said, "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, "Um... No." "Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?"
The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?

 

[JessicaTam]

An Australian tourist was in Spain. He visited a local cafe for dinner and was offered the 'special'. On enquiring what it was, the waiter explained that after a bullfight, the cafe gets the testes of the bull. They are prepared into patties and served with a red wine jus.

So the Australian ordered the special, and out comes a substantial meal, which he enjoys.

He returns the next day for the special and again is impressed with the quality and size of the dish.

The last night before he leaves to go home, he again calls into the cafe and orders the special once more. He is presented with a plate with the tiniest of patties. He calls over to the waiter to complain, thinking that they are trying to take advantage of him as a tourist.

However the waiter explains "Ah but the bull, he not always lose".

 

[amaroo]

.........

 

[straitman]

The old man placed an order for a hamburger, French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, driving them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, ‘That poor old couple – all they can afford is one meal for the two of them’.

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine – they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman said, ‘No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything’.

Finally the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bit of food and asked, ‘What is it you are waiting for’?

She answered…

‘THE TEETH’!

 

[marki]

Not all Polish men speak Polish natively anymore, often than not I see many speak English better than natives.

 

[RAM]

[FONT=&amp]A friend hosted a dinner party for all their friends, some of whom we hadn't seen for ages[FONT=&amp]; [/FONT]and everyone was encouraged to bring their children along as well.[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]

[/FONT]


​

[FONT=&amp]All throughout dinner my wife's best friend's four-year-old daughter stared at me as I sat opposite her.[/FONT][FONT=&amp]
[/FONT][FONT=&amp]The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]Self-consciously,I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, and patted my hair in place; but nothing stopped her from staring at me. I tried my best to just ignore her[FONT=&amp]; [/FONT]but finally it was too much for me.[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]I asked her, [FONT=&amp]"Why are you staring at me?"[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior, and the table went quiet, waiting for her response.[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]The little girl said, [FONT=&amp]"I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."[/FONT][/FONT]

















[FONT=&amp]
[/FONT]

 

[anat0l]

Two women go out one night without their husbands.

They go to a bar, have a "few" drinks, a good chat and then start heading home. On the way home, one of them turns to the other and says, "Sorry, I really need to use the bathroom. Can we stop here for a moment?"

The other one says, "I also really need to go, but where can we go in the middle of the street?"

"Oh look over there," the first one says, "there's a cemetery - we can go there."

"Yes, but what will we use to wipe?"

"I'm just going to use my underwear and then throw it out."

Her friend, however, was wearing her favourite (and most expensive) knickers, so she wasn't keen on throwing them out. So she elected to grab a wreath from a nearby grave and use that.

Then, they went home.

The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was hungover and still in bed, so he phoned the other husband.

"Do you know where our wives went last night? Because mine came back home with no underwear."

"Well, you are luckier than me. My wife came home with a ribbon up her backside, and on the ribbon was written...

From All of Us at the Fire Station... We Will Never Forget You