A bit of humour

[Foreigner]

There was an old lady who heard you could keep cigarettes dry at the beach by stuffing the pack into a condom. She stopped into the pharmac_ to pick some up.
The pharmacist said "What brand of condoms to you prefer ma'am."
She said "I'm not sure, they're for my Camels.", at which point he fainted.

 

[Major]

5 old ladies

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to
be the problem?”

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger
to other drivers.”

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!"... The old woman
says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a
peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189.."

 

[JessicaTam]

[mod hat]
Recent posts that are more political than humorous have been deleted.

Whilst there is a fair bit of tolerance in the Playground these posts were starting to drag the thread away from its intent and would only end in tears.
[/mod hat]

 

[QF WP]

One I received by email today:

 

[Limewood]

Home made fireworks fail, hilllarious...

 

[coriander]

Contender for Darwin Award

 

[mrs.dr.ron]

 

[straitman]

Yesterday my daughter emailed me again, asking why I didn’t do something useful with my time.

“Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked.

Her talking about my “doing-something-useful” seems to be her favourite topic of conversation.

She was “only thinking of me”, she said and suggested that I go down to the RSL and hang out with the gals.​

I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.

I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She replied, “Are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you’re going to start jumping out of aeroplanes?”

I told her that I even got a membership card and emailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me and yelled, “Good grief, Mum, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a prostitute club, not a parachute club”.

“Oh man, I’m in trouble again,” I said, “I really don’t know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!”

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.

Life as a senior is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be ever so much fun.

 

[Limewood]

A guy goes to a lady dentist to have a tooth extracted, she pulled out a large syringe to give a local anaesthetic shot.

"OOh, sorry - no way, no needles! I hate needles!" the guy said.

So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and he said, "I can't do the gas thing either, just the thought of having a mask on face suffocates me!

The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill, "No," he says, "I'm fine with pills."

The dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them "What are those?" he asked. "cough," she replied.

"I'll be damned," said the patient, "I didn't know cough worked as a pain killer."

"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth out

 

[TheRealTMA]

A new game for you all

http://assets.amuniversal.com/9c814450176a0133f88d005056a9545d

 

[RAM]

Not everything becomes off-limits as you age....

[FONT=&amp]A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments at the local cafe.

"My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time because my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you," said one elderly lady!

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am and where I'm going," said another.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully....

[/FONT] V

V

V

V

V[FONT=&amp]

[/FONT]Thank God we can all still drive.
​

 

[RAM]

For those who do not and cannot comprehend why Facebook exists.

[FONT=&amp]Understanding Facebook

:]

I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later, and with whom.

I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.

I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them.

And it works just like Facebook.


I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator, and a psychiatrist.[/FONT]

 

[anat0l]

Re: For those who do not and cannot comprehend why Facebook exists.

I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator, and a psychiatrist.

Thank goodness none of them are inviting you to play Candy Crush.

 

[Hvr]

Re: For those who do not and cannot comprehend why Facebook exists.

[FONT=&amp] <snip>

I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator, and a psychiatrist.[/FONT]

Thank goodness none of them are inviting you to play Candy Crush.

Maybe they're his minions>

 

[Foreigner]

The funeral procession included two hearses and a man walking a dog. Several hundred people followed the man.

Curious, a pedestrian approached the man. "The first hearse carries my ex-wife's lawyer," the man explained. "My dog bit him and he died two days later. The second hearse has a lawyer who opposed me in some business litigation. He met the same fate."

The pedestrian thought for a moment, then asked, "Could I borrow your dog.?"

"Okay be me, but you're going to have to wait your turn like these other people."

 

[amaroo]

Same Same

 

[Limewood]

Pensioners saving money


The older we get the wiser we become. We've disconnected our home alarm system and quit our Neighborhood Watch. Bought two Pakistani flags on eBay and raised them in the front yard, one at each corner, plus a black flag of ISIS in the center. Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7.

I've never felt safer and we're saving $49.95 a month.Pensioners saving money​

​

The older we get the wiser we become. We've disconnected our back to base home alarm system and quit our Neighborhood Watch. Reason is we bought two Pakistani flags on eBay and raised them in the front yard, one at each corner, plus a black flag of ISIS in the center. Now, the local police, AFP and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I've never felt safer and we're saving $99.00 a month.




​

 

[amaroo]

More of the same...

 

[Foreigner]

A young lady goes to see a lawyer regarding a minor matter. After consultation, he notes the costs will be $100. She gives him a crisp $100 dollar bill and leaves. Sitting back, the lawyer gives the bill a flick and notices that the bill was so new and crisp it had another $100 dollar bill stuck to it. Now he was facing the age-old ethical dilemma ... should he keep it himself or split it with his partner?

 

[Foreigner]

Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.

"No," another contended, "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the third insisted, "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."