A bit of humour

[straitman]

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer cough, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?

 

[straitman]

What do the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common :?:

They both circle Uranus searching for Klingons :!:

 

[Major]

Two blondes were filling up at a service station and the first blonde says to the second, "I bet these awful petrol prices are going to go even higher."

The second blonde replies, "Won't affect me, I always put in just $10 worth."

 

[RAM]

[FONT=&amp]A true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening Times:

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.[/FONT][FONT=&amp]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp] The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp] The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."



PS: being a born skeptic I did a little digging into this piece. This appears to have actually happened pre-2000. Either this is one of the best hoaxes in history (complete with the Manchester Evening News being complicit) or it is TRUE.

If you want to read a few other good stories have a look at this:

Taxi tales from London's cabbies

[/FONT]

 

[Major]

One day, Jill's husband came home from the office and found her sobbing convulsively.
"I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers.
"Forget it," consoled her husband."Remember that I bought an extra pair of pants for that suit.
"Yes, and it's lucky for you that you did," said Jill, drying her eyes.
"I used them to patch the hole."

 

[straitman]

Love this Japanese Doctor!

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. Bottom up!

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!


Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

[straitman]

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

Before the final match, the Irish wrestler’s trainer came to him and said, ‘Now, don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this ‘pretzel’ hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you’re finished.’
The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other severaltimes, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh ofdisappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a long, high-pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, ‘How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!’

The wrestler answered, ‘Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicl_s right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.’

The trainer exclaimed,

‘That’s what finished him off?’

‘Not really. You’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.’

 

[Major]

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door Neighbour’s dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is still barking; what have you been doing?"

The blonde says "I've put the dog in our backyard, let's see how they like it.

 

[TheRealTMA]

Amusing
Lost in translation: hilarious mistranslated Chinese signs - Telegraph

 

[JessicaTam]

Love this Japanese Doctor!

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. Bottom up!

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!


Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

I have been using the heartbeats argument for years.

 

[Major]

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!"

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"

 

[rogerkambah]

I have been using the heartbeats argument for years.

I ascribe to the heartbeat theory too, as my (resting) rate is usually 60bpm and sometimes under. BP, well that's a different matter.

 

[Major]

A blonde decided to redecorate her bedroom.
She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her blonde friend from next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
"Buffy," she said, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?" "Ten," said Buffy.
So the blonde bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls left over. "Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!"

"Yes," said Buffy."So did I."

 

[Foreigner]

A man decided to take his blonde wife deer hunting for the first time.

After he explained the basics to his blonde wife, he told her the most important piece of information, "Whenever you shoot something, make sure to claim it right away or the first person who gets to your kill can claim it as their own, so be quick if we want to have deer meat in the refrigerator." he said.

They departed to their deer boxes and waited for some deer. Minutes later he heard his blonde wife's gun go off. The husband decided to make sure she went to claim her kill instead of giving it away to someone.

When he got to his blonde wife she was arguing with another man who was waving his hands in the air.

The man said, "OK, fine lady you can have your deer but do you mind if I get my saddle off before you take it away."

 

[Foreigner]

The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas.
One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday. In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left.
So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.
The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"

 

[straitman]

A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle – a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Kiwi.

Soon he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another ship wreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen.
She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening…red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze – perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get feelings again. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and, realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman, cautiously and whispered in her ear, “Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?

 

[straitman]

The teenage granddaughter comes down stairs for her date with a see-through blouse on and no bra.

Her grandmother pitched a fit telling her 'don't you dare go out looking like that!' The teenage granddaughter tells her 'loosen up gran. These are modern times and you've gotta let your rosebuds show!' and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down the stairs and the grandmother is sitting with no top on.

The teenager wants to die and explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and it is just not appropriate.....

The grandmother says loosen up sweetie, 'If you can show off your rosebuds then I can display my hanging baskets!'

 

[RAM]

A Scottish love story

[FONT=&amp]A touch irreverent?

An elderly man lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smell the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he
crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.

His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon...
.
.
.
.
[/FONT]coughk off she said, they're for the funeral ^^


^^ Translation "Away an Boil yer heed"

 

[anat0l]

Re: A Scottish love story

Two interpreters are going on a white water rafting trip.

One asked the other, "Do you know how to swim?"

The other replied, "No, but I know how to say, 'Help me!' in eleven languages."

 

[anat0l]

At school, the teacher is quizzing little Johnny...
Teacher: "Johnny, what do we get from a sheep?"
Johnny: "We get wool, Miss."
Teacher: "Very good. And what do we get from a chicken?"
Johnny: "We get eggs, Miss."
Teacher: "Very good. And what do we get from a cow?"
Johnny: "We get homework, Miss."