A bit of humour

[Foreigner]

A wife goes on a retreat for work. When she returns, she finds a pair of panties in her dresser that do not belong to her.

Furious, she questions her husband. The husband says, "I have no idea where they came from. I don't do the laundry!"

So, the wife goes to the maid and questions her. Indignant, the maid replies, "Madam, how should I know? These panties don't belong to me. I don't even wear panties. Just ask your husband!"

 

[Foreigner]

I was at my bank today. There was a short line … just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady.
It was obvious she was more than just a little irritated. She was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
She asked the teller, ‘Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?’
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, ‘Fluctuations.’
The Asian lady says, ‘Fluc you white people too!’

 

[Foreigner]

A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That’s a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most – cars and men. Therefore I chose 'Carmen'" "What’s your name?” she asked. He answered "B. J. Titsengolf."

 

[TheEmu]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]How **** Happens
[/FONT][FONT=Arial, sans-serif]In the Beginning was The Plan[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]And then came the Assumptions[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]And the Assumptions were without form[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]And the Plan was completely without substance[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]And the darkness was upon the face of the Workers[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]And the Workers spoke amongst themselves, saying[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]"It is a crock of ****, and it stinketh."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]"It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]"It is a container of excrement and it is very strong,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]such that none may abide by it."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying one to another,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]"It promotes growth and is very powerful."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]"This new Plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]Company, and in these Areas in particular."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]And the President looked upon The Plan,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]And saw that it was good, and The Plan became Policy.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, sans-serif][/FONT][FONT=Arial, sans-serif]And this is how **** Happens.[/FONT]

 

[Foreigner]

A woman was suspicious in the loyalty of her husband for a long time and she decided to make him jealous. "My love, what would you say if I was having sex with your best friend?" "I'd say you're a lesbian!"

 

[Foreigner]

Two girls take a walk on a hot summer day. They see an old lady sitting in front of her house eating watermelon. They notice she isn't wearing any panties.
"Is it cooler without panties?" they ask.
She says, "I don't know if it's cooler, but it sure keeps the flies off the watermelon."

 

[Foreigner]

Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?" Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."

 

[whatmeworry]

A letter to Browny.

 

[anat0l]

An old joke which I just translated to French for a friend:


A man walks into a cafe and sits down. "I'd like a coffee please, no milk or sugar," he asks the waiter.

Waiter: "We're sorry, Sir, but we're out."

Man: "What?! Are you telling me you're out of coffee?!"

Waiter: "Oh no, Sir, we have plenty of coffee, but we're out of milk and sugar."

 

[anat0l]

What do you send to your florist friend who is recovering from surgery?



We were so poor, I was born at home. After my mother saw me, she went to the hospital.

 

[Maca44]

Lastweek an Irish grandmother underwent a hysterectomy
Because she did not want to have any more grandchildren

 

[Major]

Husband's Text Message to wife:

Honey, I was hit by a car outside the office.
Paula brought me to the Hospital.
Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.
Severe blow to head but not likely to have any lasting effects.
Wound required 19 stitches.
I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg.
Amputation of the right foot is a possibility.
Love you......



Wife's Response:

Who the cough* is Paula?

 

[coriander]

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.

Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.

The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.

The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.

The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything.
No one earned anything.
However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that is how the bailout package works!

 

[RAM]

[FONT=&amp]Understanding Engineers #1[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday,[/FONT][FONT=&amp]minding my own business, [/FONT][FONT=&amp]when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, [/FONT][FONT=&amp]threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what[/FONT][FONT=&amp] you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]Understanding Engineers #2[/FONT][FONT=&amp]
To the optimist , the glass is half-full. To the pessimist , the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]
Understanding Engineers #3[/FONT][FONT=&amp]
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a [/FONT][FONT=&amp]particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting [/FONT][FONT=&amp]for fifteen minutes! "
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we [/FONT][FONT=&amp]always let them play for free anytime!"
[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist [/FONT][FONT=&amp]colleague and see if there's[/FONT][FONT=&amp] anything she can do for them. "
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]
Understanding Engineers #4[/FONT][FONT=&amp]
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers [/FONT]build targets[FONT=&amp].[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]Understanding Engineers #5[/FONT][FONT=&amp]
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]Understanding Engineers #6
[/FONT][FONT=&amp]Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system[/FONT][FONT=&amp] has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"[/FONT]

 

[Limewood]

Snuffy The Seal release...

See it all here

They found Snuffy here

 

[codash1099]

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Air traffic control tower lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The passenger riding with the pilot, who lost communication, was on a cellular phone and yelling “Mayday!Mayday! Mayday!”[/FONT][FONT=&quot]"[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]“The pilot just had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket because he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and travelling at 180 mph.....Mayday, Mayday!!”[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The tower, immediately, put him on speaker phone and the Controller spoke,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The first thing is not to panic, remain calm"![/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The Controller asked,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"How do you know you are travelling at 18,000 feet"?[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Aircraft:[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me".[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Controller, "Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you’re travelling at 180 mph"?[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Aircraft:[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me".[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Controller:[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down"?[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Aircraft:[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"The cough in my pants is running out of my shirt collar".[/FONT]

 

[Limewood]

and never p_ss off your camel...

HERE.

 

[Limewood]

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to My grandad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep.

It was fascinating”. The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you To use the word “fascinate, not fascinating”.

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated”.
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate”.

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage The word “fascinate” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten Buttons, but her t_ts are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.

 

[Limewood]

deleted this.

 

[straitman]

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn’t afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children …

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, “B’Jayzus, I may not be the smartest bloke in the world, but I don’t see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem.”

“Trust me, it will do the job”, said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
“1, 2, 3, 4, 5,” at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in New Zealand and Tasmania.