A bit of humour

[straitman]

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through". So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through". The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,"Why don't you just leave the stupid car in the garage this time.?"

 

[straitman]

A wife goes out for a night on the town with the girls, telling her husband she’ll be home around midnight.

Midnight passes by, drinks are flowing, the girls are laughing and having a great time. At around 2:45 in the morning, drunk as hell, she finally gets a cab and makes her way back home.

She gets to the front door and ever-so-gently nudges it open, not making a sound. She takes her shoes off, again not making a sound. Knowing her husband will give her hell for coming home so late and drunk, she’s quite proud of herself for being so stealthy.

Just then, the cuckoo clock in the hallway goes off, cuckooing 3 times signalling the late hour. Realizing he might wake up, she decides to cuckoo another 9 times. She smiles to herself, proud that she’d come up with such a clever solution on the spot. He’d never know the difference!

That next morning during breakfast the husband looked at his wife, who was obviously hungover, and asked, “So… what time did you get in last night?”

“Oh, right around midnight, just like I said,” she replied. The husband didn’t seem disturbed at all. Her plan had worked!

“Well,” he said, “I think we need a new cuckoo clock.”

“Why do you say that?” she asked.

“Because last night the one we have cuckooed 3 times, then said ‘oh ****,’ cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, then tripped over the coffee table and farted.”

 

[anat0l]

[adapted from a French joke]

A 9-year-old girl asks her mum, "Mum, how old are you?"

Mum replies, "You should never ask that, my dear."

The girl is persistent, "Mum, what is your height?"

Mum replies, "That's not important to you, my dear."

"Mum, why are you and Dad divorced?"

"That's none of your business, my dear," the mother replied, ending the conversation there.

Later, the girl asks her best friend why adults don't seem to talk about these things. Her friend tells her it's simple - all the answers to those questions are on their identity cards. So, the next day, the girl goes through her mother's handbag and finds her identity card. She is excited to find that her friend was right! She goes to her mother...

"Mum! I know how old you are."

"Oh really? So how old am I?"

"You're 36 years old, Mum," the girl replies, "and I know what your height is."

"Really? What is it?"

"You're 1.71 metres, Mum," the girl continues, "and I also know why you and Dad are divorced!"

"Oh really?!" the mother is really surprised now, "Well, I'm looking forward to hearing this!"

"You got an 'F' in Sex... that's not very good, Mum!"

 

[anat0l]

Two guys are having a discussion.

One asks the other, "Which would you prefer to have - Alzheimer's or Parkinson's?"

The other replies, "I don't know - which would you prefer?"

"Me, I'd prefer Parkinson's, because it's better to spill a drop of beer than to forget to drink it."

 

[anat0l]

What's the difference between a man and a camel?

A camel can work for 10 days without drinking; a man can drink for 10 days without working.

 

[JohnM]

Wow, here's to the 4,000th post - another thread that has gone much further than I ever thought it could or would.

What a F* pessimist....

 

[amaroo]

Excellent work!

Insiders - 05/07/2015: The Breakfast Clubbing Season - Insiders - ABC

 

[Foreigner]

,,,,,,,,,,,,

 

[Foreigner]

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people.
In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.
The first one says, “My answer is, there IS no answer.”
The second one says, “My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given.”
The third one says, “I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names, it's either Willie Turner or Willie Nailer.“ HE GOT THE JOB!

 

[straitman]

A bodybuilder was admiring his body in the mirror when he noticed he was suntanned everywhere but his cough. So, he went to the beach, naked, and buried himself in the sand with only his cough sticking out.

Two elderly ladies walked by and saw this cough sticking out of the sand. One of them moved it around with her cane. She said to her friend, "There isn't any justice in this world."

Her friend asked her what she meant.

"When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I demanded it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat."

 

[RAM]

The problem with Greece explained...

[FONT=&amp]Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece. The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house.[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]The Spaniard said; "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]
Three years later the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor's house, solid gold taps, marble floors, it was marvelous.[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said; "You see that bridge over there?"[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]The Spaniard replied; "No."[/FONT]

 

[straitman]

Re: The problem with Greece explained...

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically,the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you,Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo... It mean someone stole tent." :shock:

 

[Foreigner]

A man was telling one of his friends the secret of his contented married life: "My wife makes all the small decisions," he explained, "and I make all the big ones, so we never interfere in each other's business and never get annoyed with each other. We have no complaints and no arguments."

"That sounds reasonable," answered his friend sympathetically. "And what sort of decisions does your wife make?"

"Well," answered the man, "she decides what jobs I apply for, what sort of house we live in, what furniture we have, where we go for our holidays, and things like that."

His friend was surprised. "Oh?" he said. "And what do you consider important decisions then?"

"Well," answered the man, "I decide who should be Prime Minister, whether we should increase our help to poor countries, what we should do about the atom bomb, and things like that."

 

[Foreigner]

Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy sweater. She made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. "Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg."

He completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes."

Mortified, he too fled.

"Morons...." the third priest mutters and moves to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at you."

They took the bus.

 

[Foreigner]

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her; she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez, Bob, you picked up a real cough this time!"

 

[straitman]

A family is at the dinner table.

The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of coughs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases.

In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter.

The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”

The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also.

In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

 

[Foreigner]

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you..."

The girl looked at him, then said, "NO."

Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend. So she called him and explained the situation.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The cough had all quarters!"

 

[straitman]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realising what a terrible day he must have had, she decided go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.

He whirled around and screamed, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?!”

 

[Hvr]

Some new pick up lines you might hear in Greece:

Are you a Greek savings account? Because I want to take you home to my mattress.



I hate to see you leave the eurozone, but I love to watch you go.



Call me Angela Merkel, because I’m waiting for you to make the next move.



You can’t spell austerity measures without “me” and “u.”



I must be the Nikkei, because I’m falling for you.



Unlike the proposed bailout package, I can’t stand rejection.



Hey girl, is your name drachma? Because I just keep coming back to you.



The national debt burden isn’t the only thing crushing around here.



Did it hurt? When you fell from the eurozone.



Are you a Greek ATM? Because I’d wait forever for you.



These withdrawal limits aren’t the only thing I want to take off.



My German friends bet me I wouldn’t be able to talk to the most beautiful girl at the bar. Want to use their money to prop up your economy?


Unlike Yanis Varoufakis, I’ll never leave you.



I like my friendships like the Greeks like their welfare system: with generous benefits.



Is that a euro in your pocket? Please tell me that’s a euro in your pocket.


From the Washington Post.

 

[Foreigner]

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some homework." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching p*rn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what p*rn was." The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother.