A bit of humour

[straitman]

Dr Simmons, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl’s high school, said during class, “Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions”.

Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly, “Dr Simmons, I do not think that is a proper question to ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my parents will hear of this”.

With that she sat down, very red-faced.

Unperturbed, Dr Simmons called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, “The pupil of the eye, in dim light”.

“Correct,” said Dr Simmons.

“And now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you:

One, you have not studied your lesson.

Two, you have a dirty mind.

And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment”.

 

[straitman]

George Phillips, an elderly man from rural Victoria, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked, “Is someone in your house?”

He said, “No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me”.

The police dispatcher said, “All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available”.
George said, “Okay”.

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now,” and he hung up.

Within minutes, six police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George, “I thought you said you’d shot them!”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

 

[Foreigner]

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[Hvr]

George Phillips, an elderly man from rural Victoria, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

<snip>

I thought you said your name was Bill not George?

 

[Foreigner]

I thought you said your name was Bill not George?

I thought he is William! ;-)

 

[Major]

I thought you said your name was Bill not George?

I thought it was Support

 

[Foreigner]

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[whatmeworry]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'
HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Foreigner]

[TABLE="width: 100%"]
[TR]
[TD]A blonde called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

...which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

 

[Foreigner]

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk. She said, "You use to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, then tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed covers and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

 

[Foreigner]

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[Foreigner]

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[anat0l]

A doctor is having an affair with his nurse. She tells him one morning that she is pregnant.

The doctor doesn't want his wife to find out, so he pays for the nurse to take a long vacation in Italy.

The nurse asks, "What do I do when the baby is born?"

"Simple," the doctor says, "Just send me a postcard and only write 'spaghetti' on it."

Six months later, the doctor arrives home from work and his wife asks him to explain a strange postcard addressed to him from Italy.

He reads the postcard then immediately drops to the floor, having a heart attack.

After the ambulance arrives, the medics ask the wife what brought on the attack. She explains that he was reading this postcard when he hit the floor.

"What did the postcard say?" asks the medic.

She replies, reading the card, "Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti... two with meatballs and two without..."

 

[Foreigner]

A young woman brings home her fiancé to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancé to his study for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she s accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?"
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
" Don`t worry, sir, God will provide.”
Like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"
The father answer, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I`m God."

 

[Foreigner]

A husband had always been disdainful of people who, in his estimation, talk too much. Recently he proudly told his wife he’d heard that men use 2200 words a day, while women use 4400.

The wife thought about that a moment, then concluded, "That`s because women have to repeat everything they say to their husbands.", to which he looked up and asked, "Come again?"

 

[Foreigner]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

 

[Foreigner]

Few TSA funnies:

 

[mrs.dr.ron]

 

[coriander]

Yes, a rest room door: the location surprised me.....



Cosmic Ray's Starlight Cafe
Tomorrowland
Magic Kingdom
Walt Disney World
Orlando FL
USA

 

[Major]

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"

"Fred," the old man moaned.

"Where you from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied;

The Balcony