A bit of humour

[codash1099]

A tough old fighter pilot finally regained consciousness.

He found himself in agonizing pain in the base hospital’s ICU, with tubes up every orifice, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.

He then remembered he'd been in a serious flying accident on Friday.

The nurse gave him a serious, deep look straight into the eyes and he heard her slowly say, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, “Can I feel your coughs, then?”

 

[QF WP]

Read this tonight and had a laugh at some of the autocorrects

This Is What Happens When 35 Texts Go Absolutely Wrong

 

[JohnM]

Read this tonight and had a laugh at some of the autocorrects

This Is What Happens When 35 Texts Go Absolutely Wrong

You have faaar too much time on your hands, QF WP .

 

[RAM]

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce.

The judge asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."

The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but we can't seem to do anything about it."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce."

"My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

 

[RAM]

The joy of teaching

Little Johnny Again

The teacher asked the class to use the word "Fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my Grandad's farm and we all
saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good Molly, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate", not fascinating.

Sally then raised her hand, she said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated to give him permission to speak as she was previously gutted by his expression. However, she finally reasoned that there was no way, he could damage the word " Fascinate", so she called on him for the sentence.

Johnny proudly said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her breasts are so big she can only fasten eight."
.

 

[rogerkambah]

An Irish Miracle

An Irish Miracle
At last, confirmation of Murphy’s Law‚ with a wonderful Irish explanation

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.
He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-side-down.

So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.

He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen. But he won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.

He leads Fr. Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."

"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy

"Oh my Lord," says Fr. Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a miracle. Wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round; to interview you, take photos, etc."

A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.

Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.

"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out.

Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle' because they think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"

 

[Foreigner]

............

 

[anat0l]

Teacher: "Johnny, what do sheep give us?"
Little Johnny: "Sheep gives us wool, Miss."
Teacher: "Good. What do chickens give us?"
Johnny: "Chickens give us eggs, Miss."
Teacher: "Very good, Johnny. What do cows give us?"
Johnny: "Cows give us homework, Miss."


Mother: [Little Johnny is back from school] "Johnny, did you learn anything in school today?"
Johnny: "Obviously not enough - they're making me go back there tomorrow."

 

[drron]

mrs.dr.ron posting on drrons computer

 

[QF WP]

Need to find this plumber for a job at my house

 

[anat0l]

Need to find this plumber for a job at my house

...

I don't know... I've had some wine on tap before and they can be pretty iffy. Some stuff is not much better than cask, or paint stripper for that matter....

 

[Flashback]

I don't know... I've had some wine on tap before and they can be pretty iffy. Some stuff is not much better than cask, or paint stripper for that matter....

Wetherspoons does wine on tap

 

[anat0l]

Wetherspoons does wine on tap

...and some of the food at some Wetherspoons would likely cause you to tap out before the end of the night, too.

 

[RAM]

I don't know... I've had some wine on tap before and they can be pretty iffy. Some stuff is not much better than cask, or paint stripper for that matter....

In the tradition of "Crocodile Dundee" - You call that a tap!

In July '95 caught the ferry across to Normandy to start a few weeks of driving around sampling the local produce. Picked up the car and on the way out of the city stopped at an E Le Clerc supermarket.

Walking into it in front of use were half a dozen people carrying very large plastic bladder bags (wine that is). We soon discovered why.

Directly inside the entrance were four petrol bowsers but they were not dispensing 'essence sans plumb'.

They were wine bowsers.

Being the shy retiring type I got my wife (who's French is 10x better) to ask them about the wine. Turned out they were English, off the same ferry as us and came across once a fortnight to buy the wine for themselves and friends.

When I looked at the price per litre - it was cheaper than what we had just paid for the 'essence sans plumb'. So of course I asked them what it tasted like? 'Better than a 5 pound bottle!' was the response.

The red I sampled the aroma of did smell great but we declined their offer of having a glass at the park while they waited for the return ferry journey. A hot summer's day, driving on the other side of the road on rural French roads did not seem a good combination.

BTW - they were organised. They had 10l bladders, collapsible steel 2 wheel trolleys so they could take 30l each. Price per litre was the equivalent to 90 something pence.

 

[Major]

The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy. I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, Sally,? I have some really great news!" I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy." She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant!

I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great I couldn't be happier for you!"Then she said, "There's more." I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have twins.
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said... That was the easy part. I went to ALDI and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack.

Both tests came out positive.

 

[Foreigner]

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[JessicaTam]

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How could I not 'like' that!

 

[Foreigner]

How could I not 'like' that!

Well, for a moment I was tossing whether it best suited 'Grammar Discussions' or this thread!

 

[Foreigner]

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[Major]

I think this has been posted before but I still like it

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.

The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Tortoises'.''

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was.

The old farmer said, " When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise."

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.

"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb cough put him up there to begin with."