A bit of humour

[Foreigner]

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but clingfilm around his waist. The receptionist turned to him and said "please take a seat, I can clearly see you're nuts."

 

[Foreigner]

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, " Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam."

The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish.

Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

 

[Foreigner]

A Baptist, a Catholic, and a Mormon are in the maternity ward. The Baptist says, “One more son and I have a basketball team.” The Catholic says, “That’s nothing, one more kid and I have a baseball team.” The Mormon guy says, “That’s nothing, one more wife and I have a golf course.”

 

[Major]

A group of Britons were travelling by tour bus through Holland .

As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through
the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.

She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.'

She then asked, 'What do you do in England with your old goats?'

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

 

[Deleted member]

Ya Gotta laugh!

 

[Major]

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small cough.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a
large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mum,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your Father.'

 

[straitman]

How true it is.

 

[Deleted member]

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small cough.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a
large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mum,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your Father.'

I wish there was a multi like button

 

[whatmeworry]

Courtesy of reddit.

 

[Foreigner]

View attachment 49260How true it is.

Or carcasses

 

[Foreigner]

A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor!"

 

[Major]

A golfer is walking down to his golf course, carrying his clubs, when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint.


He pulls out a wedge, creeps up behind the gunman and smashes it over the back of his head, knocking him unconscious.


"You probably saved my life," says the grateful Arab. "I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family and I have the power and money to give you anything you desire as a reward."


The golfer glances at his golf bag. "Well, some golf clubs would be nice," he says.


Two weeks later, the Sheikh's secretary calls up. "We've got your golf clubs," she says, "but the Sheikh would like to apologise to you in advance: two of them don't have swimming pools."

 

[Major]

A drover from a huge cattle station in the outback appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the drover offered.

"Once, on a trip to the back blocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across a gang of bikers who were threatening a young sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, "Now, back off - or I'll kick the **** out of the lot of ya!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"A couple of minutes ago."

 

[Hvr]

In the land of potatoes the queens niece wanted to get married. Protocol required the niece to marry another potato. But the niece went to the queen and asked if she could marry Bruce McAvaney. The Queen said "no".



The niece asked, "Is it because he is human".
"no", said the queen.
"Is is because he is Australian".


Again, "No", said the Queen.
"then why?".



"My dear I'm sure he's very nice but he is just a commentator"

 

[JessicaTam]

In the land of potatoes the queens niece wanted to get married. Protocol required the niece to marry another potato. But the niece went to the queen and asked if she could marry Bruce McAvaney. The Queen said "no".The niece asked, "Is it because he is human"."no", said the queen."Is is because he is Australian".Again, "No", said the Queen."then why?"."My dear I'm sure he's very nice but he is just a commentator"

Did you just make that one up?

 

[Deleted member]

Should the punch line not say "common-tater"?

 

[Captain Halliday]

In the land of potatoes the queens niece wanted to get married. Protocol required the niece to marry another potato. But the niece went to the queen and asked if she could marry Bruce McAvaney. The Queen said "no".



The niece asked, "Is it because he is human".
"no", said the queen.
"Is is because he is Australian".


Again, "No", said the Queen.
"then why?".



"My dear I'm sure he's very nice but he is just a commentator"

The like button just doesn't feel right for this one. Can someone advise where I find the "really bad dad joke button"?

 

[Major]

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor
put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a
full day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.

The next time I see you, you should have lost at
least 5 pounds."

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by
having lost nearly three stone!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you
follow my instructions?"

The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by
jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd
day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from bleedin' skippin", the Irishman said.

 

[Foreigner]

Few interesting images off Internet

 

[Foreigner]

A few more: