A bit of humour

[Foreigner]

............

 

[Foreigner]

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns.

One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"

"What do you mean strange?"

"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"

"So?"

"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"

"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."

 

[Foreigner]

Laura fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate rendezvous in the dental clinic after hours.

But one day he said sadly, "Laura, honey, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious."

"No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we've been meeting here for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing."

"True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"

 

[Foreigner]

One day Howard accidentally overturned his golf cart.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out,
"Are you okay, what’s your name?"
“It’s Howard , and I’m Okay thanks,” he replied.
“Howard , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I’ll help you get the cart up later.”
“That’s mighty nice of you,” he answered, "but I don’t think my wife would like it."
“Oh, come on,” Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive…. Howard was weak.
“Well okay,” he finally agreed, and added, “but my wife. won’t like it.”
After a restorative Dewar’s scotch, and some creative putting lessons, he thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset.”
“Don’t be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile, “She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”
“Under the cart!” he said….

 

[Foreigner]

I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

I said, "No, she's an optician."

 

[Foreigner]

Taking a dig at UK pollsters:

 

[drron]

 

[cove]

She got her usual One Vote so I am thinking she has one admirer namely herself.

 

[Hvr]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there's a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He's been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. . .

"You just happened to catch my eye."

 

[Hvr]

Two friends Carl and Tony each receive graduation gifts from their fathers.

Carl receives a Swiss watch. Tony receives a hand gun. The friends show each other their gifts and are envious. So they trade.

Tony's father becomes enraged when he learns Tony traded his handgun for a watch.

"Tony", asks the father, "do you not plan to marry a beautiful girl?"

"Of course Dad."

"Tony, do you think it is possible your beautiful wife might attract other men."

"I expect so Dad."

"Tony, do think it is possible your beautiful wife might have an affair with one of these men?"

"I hope not Dad, but I suppose that could happen."

"Then Tony, what will you do with your watch when you come home to find your beautiful wife in bed with another man? Tell them: 'times up'?"

 

[Foreigner]

A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs right into two priests.

He says, "I'm Jesus Christ."

The first priest says, "No, son, you're not."

So the drunk says it to the second priest.

The second priest says, "No, son, you're not."

The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests.

The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

 

[Foreigner]

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"

"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"

"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."

 

[Foreigner]

A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary.

On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pant legs to keep his trousers dry.

When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting.

"Pull down your pants", whispered the pastor.

"Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom responded. "I think I would prefer the traditional service."

 

[Foreigner]

[TABLE="width: 100%"]
[TR]
[TD]Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

 

[mrs.dr.ron]

 

[anat0l]

Not too long ago, there was a woman who wanted to know how her husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone. She decided to write him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore.

After writing the letter, she put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a number.

His wife listened from under the bed as he started chatting to someone. "Hey babe, I'm just changing clothes then will join you," he said. "As for the other fool, it finally dawned on her that I was fooling around on her and left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and me had met earlier. See you soon, honey!"

Then he hung up and walked out of the room.

In tears and very upset, she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter.

Through teary eyes, she read: "I could see your feet you idiot, I am going out to buy bread."

 

[anat0l]

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

 

[anat0l]

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 10 children.

After her first husband died, she remarried and had 10 more children.

A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away.

At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together."

Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?"

The priest replied, "I mean her legs."

 

[anat0l]

There is a man who goes out drinking all the time and comes home very later every night. So one night his wife decides to teach him a lesson. She dresses up like Satan, and decides to hide in the dark, and scare him when he gets home.

The man comes home, and his wife jumps out and screams in his face.

He just looks at her and says, ”You don’t scare me I am married to your sister!”’

 

[anat0l]

An old mountaineer and his young ex-wife were fighting over custody of their children.

The mother protested that since she brought her kids into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The judge asked the old mountaineer for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the mountaineer rose from his chair and asked, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"