A bit of humour

[JessicaTam]

Q: What's the difference between a woman's argument and a sharp knife?
A: A sharp knife usually has a point.

Ahh, men. Can't live with 'em, can't throw rocks at 'em!

 

[Deleted member]

Three Vegans walk into a Bar! How do you know they are vegans?
Because they've told everyone !!

 

[Deleted member]

From my daughter the cat lover

 

[straitman]

What else can I say :?:

 

[Bundy Bear]

Stolen off Facebook but very appropriate for the current weather in Sydney.

 

[drron]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and
working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune
when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find
a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the
most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural
beauty took his breath away.
“I may look like just an ordinary guy,” he said to her, “but
in just a few years my father will die and I will inherit $200
million.”
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card.
Three months later, she became his stepmother.
Lesson: Women are much better at financial planning
than men are!

 

[drron]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would
like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith
stood and walked to the podium.
She said, “I have a praise. Two months ago, my
husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his
scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was
excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help
him.” You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the
congregation as the imagine the pain that poor Phil must
have experienced.
“Phil was unable to hold me or the
children,” she went on, “and every
move caused him terrible pain.” We
prayed as the doctors performed a
delicate operation, and it turned out
they were able to piece together
the crushed remnants of Phil’s
scrotum, and wrap wire around it to
hold it in place.”

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed
uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgeryperformed on Phil.
“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the
Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that
with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and
tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He
said, “I’m Phil.” The entire congregation held its breath. “I
just want to tell my wife the word is

sternum.”

 

[drron]

Cleaning your house while your kids are still
growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before itstops snowing.
• The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head
down is so you can’t see him laughing.

 

[Maca44]

What's virgin mean
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pOTwHypW5uk

 

[Major]

ALWAYS ASK, NEVER ASSUME!!


His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

 

[anat0l]

ALWAYS ASK, NEVER ASSUME!!


His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

The rest of the joke should have gone:

'Alright then,' the photographer huffed, 'Get us back on the bl**dy ground then.'

The pilot sheepishly replied, 'That was supposed to be today's lesson...'

 

[Deleted member]

Who comes up with this stuff?

 

[Major]

A painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Doolin in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude.
This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, and she was willing to pay up to $10,000.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.
In a few minutes he returned. "T' would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay." "I'll paint ya in da nude alright, but I have to at least leave me socks on so I have a place to wipe me brushes."

 

[Flashback]

A painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Doolin in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude.
This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, and she was willing to pay up to $10,000.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.
In a few minutes he returned. "T' would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay." "I'll paint ya in da nude alright, but I have to at least leave me socks on so I have a place to wipe me brushes."

Shouldn't it be £ or €?

 

[Major]

[FONT=&amp]Hello,is this the Police Office?[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp] Yes. What can I do for you?'[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp] I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbour Jack Murphy. He's hidin' marijuanainside his firewood.[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp] Don't quite know how he gets it inside dem logs, but he's hidin' it there.[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp] Thank you very much for the call, sir.[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp] The next day, twelve St Johns Police Officers descend on Jack's house.[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp] They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust openevery piece of wood, but found no marijuan_.[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp] They sneer at Jack and leave. Shortly after the police leave,the phone rings at Jack's house.[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp] Hey, Jack. This here's O'Reilly. Did the Police come?[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp] Yeah![/FONT]

[FONT=&amp] Did they chop your firewood?[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp] Yep![/FONT]

[FONT=&amp] Happy Birthday, Buddy![/FONT]

 

[Foreigner]

............

 

[TheEmu]

The Old Man's Creed:
1. Never go past a toilet.
2. Never waste a hard-on.
3. Never trust a fart.

 

[anat0l]

A woman is at the pharmac_ purchasing $300 in weight loss products.

She asks the pharmacist as the latter is ringing up the sale, "How much do you think I'll lose with these products?"

The pharmacist replies as he hands her the docket, "Lose? Well... $300..."

 

[Foreigner]

............

 

[Major]

WHY I'M NOW DIVORCED

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.' I thought....well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.
My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my handsome boss Rick, said, 'Good morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!'

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?' I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied. He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there.... on the couch................. naked.