A bit of humour

[Foreigner]

A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party: "What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.

"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer.

"What do you do?"

The minister replied, "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say, 'The devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'The devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."

 

[Foreigner]

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.

"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.

"That's still quite a bit," Tom groused.

Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.

Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror.

 

[Foreigner]

I mowed the lawn today, and after I'd finished I sat down with a cold beer. It was a beautiful day and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

The wife walked by and asked me what I was doing? and I said "Nothing".

The reason I said that, instead of saying 'just thinking darling' was because then she would have asked "About what?"

At that point I would have had to explain to her that men are deep thinkers, which would have led to more questions.

Then I thought about the age-old question of whether giving birth is more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Well, after another beer, and some more thinking, I think I may have come up with the answer.

Getting kicked in the nuts is much more painful than having a baby; and my reasoning is:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child" but you will never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer......

 

[Foreigner]

An overweight colleague of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery.

One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic. "This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, 'Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffeecakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery.'

And sure enough," he continued, "the eighth time around the block, there it was!"

 

[Foreigner]

............

 

[Ikara]

Foreigner - that's the funniest one you've posted so far!

A bit dotty but very funny!

JB

 

[Foreigner]

Foreigner - that's the funniest one you've posted so far!

A bit dotty but very funny!

JB

Thank you Ikara...we all have our moments!


A husband takes the wife to a night club. There's a guy on the dance floor giving it big time. Break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works!

The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down!"

The husband says, "Looks to me like he's still celebrating!!!"

 

[codash1099]

Thank you Ikara...we all have our moments!


A husband takes the wife to a night club. There's a guy on the dance floor giving it big time. Break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works!

The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down!"

The husband says, "Looks to me like he's still celebrating!!!"

Not as good as the dots

 

[Foreigner]

A conductor was having a lot of trouble with a drummer.

He constantly gave this guy personal attention and much advice, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he took a critical jab at the drummer, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer, which must be why you play the drums."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section, "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

 

[Foreigner]

"I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife said to her lazy husband who refused to find a job.

"My father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car. I'm just so ashamed."

The husband rolled over on the couch. "You should be ashamed," he agreed. "Those two worthless brothers of yours never give us a cent."

 

[Foreigner]

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

 

[RAM]

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff...

Three Aussie blokes working up a mobile phone tower in the outback: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.

As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, b$gger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife'.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a slab of beer.

Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'

'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead, and she gave you a slab of beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."

She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll betcha a slab of beer you are.'

 

[Foreigner]

Judi went to a " Dude Ranch " on vacation. The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle.

Judi asked what the difference was.

"Well, one has a horn and the other doesn't."

"Just get the one without the horn. I don't think we'll run into too much traffic out here."

 

[Foreigner]

Murphy asked Paddy how he got his black eye.

"You'd never believe it," said Paddy, "but I got it in church."

He said he had been sitting behind a fat lady and when they all stood for a hymn he noticed her dress was creased into the cheeks of her bum.

"All I did was lean forward and pull it out and she turned round and hit me," said Paddy.

It was a week later and Shamus was surprised to see Paddy had another black eye.

"I got it in church," he began to explain. He said he found himself behind the same fat woman and when they stood for the hymn her dress was once again creased into the cheeks of her bum.

"My little nephew reached forward and pulled it out. But I know she didn't like that, so I leaned over and tucked it back!"

 

[Foreigner]

[TABLE="width: 100%"]
[TR]
[TD]The mother-in-law arrives home from the mall to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened ?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my business trip. I get home, and guess what I found?

Yes, your daughter, my wife, with a guy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever !"

"Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

"I told you there must be a simple explanation..... she didn't receive your E-mail !"[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

 

[Foreigner]

[TABLE="width: 100%"]
[TR]
[TD]On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.

The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"

"That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."

After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

 

[Foreigner]

There was a group of women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husbands?"

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn't remember. The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text to their respective husband: 'I love you, sweetheart.'

Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages.

Here are some of the replies:

1. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?

2. What now? Did you crash the car again?

3. I don't understand what you mean?

4. What did you do now? I won't forgive you this time!!!

5. ?!?

6. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

7. Am I dreaming? ???????

8. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, you will die today...!!!

9. I asked you not to drink anymore!!

and the best one...

10. Who is this?

 

[Foreigner]

.........

 

[Major]

A MESSAGE FROM GOD or will men ever learn

A woman runs a red traffic light and crashes into a man's car. Both
their cars are demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, shaken, the woman says; "Wow, just
look at our cars! There's nothing left?but fortunately we are unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and
live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants
us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." She hands the bottle
to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it with relief, drinks half the
bottle, then gives it back to the woman. The woman takes the
bottle,immediately puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."

 

[Major]

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink.
"Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!"

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says,
"Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, ..a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day!"