A bit of humour

[Major]

Two Irish men were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walked by and asked them what they were doing.

"We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder," Paddy replied..

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements and announced that it was 8m.

Then, she walked off.

"Isn't that like a blonde," Mick said to Paddy "We need the height and she gives us the length."

 

[drron]

Mary goes up to Father O’Leary after his Sunday mass, and she's in tears.
Father O’Leary says, ‘So what's bothering you, Mary?’
She says, ‘Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. Paddy, me husband, passed away last night.’
Father O’Leary says, ‘Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did Paddy have any last requests?’
She says, ‘Aye, That he did, Father...’
The priest says, ‘What did he ask, Mary?’
She says, ‘He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...’

 

[rogerkambah]

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A Husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. The wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

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The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'


So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'


When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.


A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'


'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.


'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.


Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'


Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'


'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'


'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.



'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.


'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'



'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'


'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'


The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'


She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'


You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'



So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.


The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'


'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.



'No Kidding,' he said.


'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

 

[mrs.dr.ron]

There is a factory in london which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Shelley is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Shelley surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Shelley.

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

 

[Major]

Turkey Sandwich

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought turkey sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a turkey sandwich.
He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating turkey, don't you like it anymore?'
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'
'Why?' he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'
'Let me see' he said.
'Okay' and she showed him. He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more turkey.'
He kept eating his turkey sandwiches until one day he brought a peanut butter sandwich instead. He said to the little girl, 'I have to stop eating turkey sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!'

She asked if she could look, so he showed her.
She said, 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you!
You've already got the neck and giblets!

 

[mrs.dr.ron]

 

[Major]

Two Irish women were sitting next to each other in a bar.

After a while, one looked at the other and said, 'From listening to ya speak, I can't help but think you're from Ireland.' the other woman said, proudly, 'Surely I am!

The first one said, 'So am I...! And where bouts in Ireland are ya from...?'

The other woman answered, 'I'm from Dublin' and the first one responded, 'So, am I! And what street did ya live on in Dublin'?

The other woman said, 'A loovely little area in the west end; Warbury Street in the old central part of town'.

The first one said, 'Faith and begorrah, it's a small world! So did I!

And what school did ya go to?' The other woman answered, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary', at which the first one got really excited and said, 'So did I! So did I! What year did you graduate?'

The other woman answered, 'Well, now, let's see …
I graduated in 1964.'

The first woman exclaimed, 'Good Lord! I can hardly believe the luck of us winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 meself!'

About this time, a regular customer, Michael, walked into the bar, sat down and ordered a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walked over to Michael shaking his head and muttering, 'It's going to be a long night, Michael!'

Michael asked, 'And why's that, Brian?'
Brian answered, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'

 

[QF WP]

Need I say anything

 

[straitman]

A driver is stopped by a police officer.

The driver asks, “What’s the problem officer?”
Officer: “You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone”.
Man: “No sir, I was going 65″.
Wife: “Oh, Harry. You were going 80″
(The man gives his wife a dirty look)

Officer: “I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light”.
Man: “Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!”
Wife: “Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks”.
(The man gives his wife another dirty look)

Officer: “I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt”.
Man: “Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car”.
Wife: “Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt”.

The man turns to his wife and yells, “SHUT IT PLEASE!”

The Officer turns to the woman and asks, “Ma’am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?”

The wife says, “No, only when he’s drunk”.

 

[paxman]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying cough?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said... 'He won't even take an aspirin.'


'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish cough'...

'What is Irish cough?', she asked.

'It's when you drop the cough tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'

It was a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye. With one swoop of his arms, he sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.

 

[Foreigner]

.........

 

[get me outta here]

No wonder he couldn't taste the cough in Starbucks coffee.

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying cough?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said... 'He won't even take an aspirin.'


'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish cough'...

'What is Irish cough?', she asked.

'It's when you drop the cough tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'

It was a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye. With one swoop of his arms, he sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.

 

[straitman]

An engineer dies and goes to hell. He’s hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels.

One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil, “what’s up?”

The Devil says, “Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer”.

“What?” says God. “An engineer? I didn’t send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately”.
The Devil responds, “No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him”.

God demands, “If you don’t send him to me immediately, I’ll sue!”

The Devil laughs. “Where are you going to get a lawyer?”

 

[Major]

From LOTFAP

Husband went to the Sheriff's Department to report that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Colour of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant: Colour of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch and special wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting.

At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.

 

[mrs.dr.ron]

 

[Major]

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a
school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how
Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.

At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Sasha puts
her hand up and says "I have two questions" "Why did the Russians take
Crimea? And Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?" Putin says "Good
questions" But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go
to Lunch.

When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more
questions, another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says "I have Four
questions"

"My Questions are -
Why did the Russians invade Crimea?
Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?
Why did the bell go 20 minutes early?
And Where is Sasha?"

 

[Rugby]

We used to have a vox pop for staff at work for a monthly intranet article, one of the questions being who would you most like to sit next to on flight. Ome chap who got cornered into it one month answered Lisa Robertson.

 

[Major]

A teenage boy had just passed his
driving test and inquired of his father as to when they
could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You
bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your
Bible a little, and get your hair cut.
Then we'll talk about the car."


The boy thought about that for a moment, decided,
he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son,
you've brought your grades up and I've observed that
you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed
you haven't had your hair cut."


The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been
thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of
the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist
had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even
strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

His father replied "And did you also notice they all walked everywhere they
went…?"

 

[JohnK]

During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level. I described a typical day, "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers."

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a cough golfer."

 

[Cruiser Elite]

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