mrs.dr.ron
Established Member
- Joined
- Jun 17, 2010
- Posts
- 2,217
A bit of humour
- Thread starter Maca44
- Start date
- Joined
- Apr 27, 2003
- Posts
- 18,611
- Qantas
- LT Gold
- Virgin
- Platinum
Fifty Shades of Grey
by Pam Ayres
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Ethel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Ethel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominator !!
Now if you knew our Ethel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Ethel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.
by Pam Ayres
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Ethel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Ethel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominator !!
Now if you knew our Ethel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Ethel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.
Major
Established Member
- Joined
- Jan 21, 2011
- Posts
- 4,598
- Qantas
- Bronze
- Virgin
- Gold
A circus owner runs an advert for a ‘lion tamer wanted’ and two people show up
One is a retired golfer in his late-sixties and the other is a
drop-dead, gorgeous brunette with a killer body in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is
one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good
or you're history."
"Here's your equipment -- a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?
The gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first."
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into
the lion's cage.
The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.
As he gets close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat revealing
her beautiful, perfect naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and
starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss
every inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down and rests
his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor!! He says, "That's amazing!
I've never seen anything like that in my life!"
He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "Possibly ... but you've got to get that
lion out of there first."
One is a retired golfer in his late-sixties and the other is a
drop-dead, gorgeous brunette with a killer body in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is
one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good
or you're history."
"Here's your equipment -- a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?
The gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first."
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into
the lion's cage.
The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.
As he gets close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat revealing
her beautiful, perfect naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and
starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss
every inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down and rests
his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor!! He says, "That's amazing!
I've never seen anything like that in my life!"
He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "Possibly ... but you've got to get that
lion out of there first."
Major
Established Member
- Joined
- Jan 21, 2011
- Posts
- 4,598
- Qantas
- Bronze
- Virgin
- Gold
How men and women record things in their diaries.
Wife's Diary:
Dear Diary - Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me any more. He just sat there quietly watching TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Husband's Diary:
A two-foot putt .. who the hell misses a two-foot putt?
Wife's Diary:
Dear Diary - Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me any more. He just sat there quietly watching TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
A two-foot putt .. who the hell misses a two-foot putt?
- Joined
- Jun 20, 2002
- Posts
- 17,669
- Qantas
- Gold
- Virgin
- Platinum
Never truer words were spoken 
. I'm sure all the golfers amongst us can relate to it...
. I'm sure all the golfers amongst us can relate to it...
Major
Established Member
- Joined
- Jan 21, 2011
- Posts
- 4,598
- Qantas
- Bronze
- Virgin
- Gold
A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down
next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking
deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any
longer, she asked . . .
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking
deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any
longer, she asked . . .
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
- Joined
- Jun 20, 2002
- Posts
- 17,669
- Qantas
- Gold
- Virgin
- Platinum
Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me". Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the thing up.
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable. His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?" He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy" he replies.
Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "What the hell you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself" Paddy replies."It should be around your neck" says the Guard. "I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
"If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat"
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"
The nicest thing about the future is ... that it always starts tomorrow.
Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
If you don't have a sense of humour, you probably don't have any sense at all.
Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the thing up.
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable. His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?" He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy" he replies.
Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "What the hell you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself" Paddy replies."It should be around your neck" says the Guard. "I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
"If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat"
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"
The nicest thing about the future is ... that it always starts tomorrow.
Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
If you don't have a sense of humour, you probably don't have any sense at all.
Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.
codash1099
Established Member
- Joined
- Aug 2, 2006
- Posts
- 2,879
- Qantas
- Platinum
Not sure why I have to add text but here it is.
- Joined
- Jun 27, 2007
- Posts
- 10,761
- Qantas
- LT Gold
Charles Schulze had some brilliant lines that still resonate today.
Read our AFF credit card guides and start earning more points now.
An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."
A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.
Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.
Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.
Doctor: "But this is $500..."
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."
A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.
Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.
Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.
Doctor: "But this is $500..."
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."
Major
Established Member
- Joined
- Jan 21, 2011
- Posts
- 4,598
- Qantas
- Bronze
- Virgin
- Gold
A young man walked into a jeweler's shop late one Friday, with a beautiful young lady on his side.
"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend" he said.
The jeweler looks through his stock, and takes out an outstanding ring priced at $4500.
"I don't think you understand ... I want something very unique", he said. At that, the jeweler went and fetched his special stock from the safe." Here's one stunning ring at $33000."
The girls' eyes sparkled, and the young man said that he would take it.
"How are you paying?" "I'll pay by cheque, but of course the bank would want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a cheque and you can phone the bank Monday and I'll collect the ring on Monday afternoon".
Monday morning a very irritated jeweler phones the man." You lied there's no money in that account."
"I know, but you CAN'T imagine what a Fantastic WEEKEND I had????"
"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend" he said.
The jeweler looks through his stock, and takes out an outstanding ring priced at $4500.
"I don't think you understand ... I want something very unique", he said. At that, the jeweler went and fetched his special stock from the safe." Here's one stunning ring at $33000."
The girls' eyes sparkled, and the young man said that he would take it.
"How are you paying?" "I'll pay by cheque, but of course the bank would want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a cheque and you can phone the bank Monday and I'll collect the ring on Monday afternoon".
Monday morning a very irritated jeweler phones the man." You lied there's no money in that account."
"I know, but you CAN'T imagine what a Fantastic WEEKEND I had????"
get me outta here
Senior Member
- Joined
- Nov 18, 2011
- Posts
- 8,238
- Qantas
- LT Silver
Two policemen call the police station on the radio.
"Hello. Is this the Sarge?"
"Yes?"
"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband dead for stepping on the floor she had mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."
"Hello. Is this the Sarge?"
"Yes?"
"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband dead for stepping on the floor she had mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."
mrs.dr.ron
Established Member
- Joined
- Jun 17, 2010
- Posts
- 2,217
Cruiser Elite
Enthusiast
- Joined
- Oct 31, 2010
- Posts
- 13,898
=> mrs.dr.ron re last post:
Become an AFF member!
Join Australian Frequent Flyer (AFF) for free and unlock insider tips, exclusive deals, and global meetups with 65,000+ frequent flyers.AFF members can also access our Frequent Flyer Training courses, and upgrade to Fast-track your way to expert traveller status and unlock even more exclusive discounts!
AFF forum abbreviations
Wondering about Y, J or any of the other abbreviations used on our forum?Check out our guide to common AFF acronyms & abbreviations.
Currently Active Users
- ric_melb
- Quickstatus
- accompanimince
- tgh
- andyrb
- love_the_life
- TripleB
- tassie6
- crh66
- TonyHancock
- 306
- Harrison_133
- funnymummy
- Scr77
- cgantonas
- Lochrockinbeats
- 33kft
- FlyingFiona
- Austman
- MEL_Traveller
- kangarooflyer88
- ausfox
- Dmac59
- sudoer
- jbmarshall90
- flyer89
- JackMiles
- bubblecapfish903
- Saab34
- torks
- Cottman
- pauly7
- aus_flyer
- dsotm
- kookaburra75
- Brissy1
- Askance
- Hieu
- shankoz
- tomlee1986
- chitown_boy
- swellington
- Cms99
- andgucps
- ShrinkWrapped
