A bit of humour

I'm visiting my cousin in America and he's taken me on my very first hunting trip.
And I think I'm winning, all of the other idiots are wearing high visibility jackets.
 
While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco , a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?'

'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied.

'You've gotta be kiddin' me.'

'No, I'm not. Would you like to give it a try?'

Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...

So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.

With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked,

'What the heck happened to you?'

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently on the neck and said,

'This ain't gonna be your day, Cupcake..
 
Wife - "Where the hell have you been? You said you'd be done with golf by noon!"

Husband - “I'm so sorry, Honey, but you probably don't want to hear the reason."

Wife - "I want the truth, and I want it NOW"

Husband “Fine. We finished in less than 4 hours, quick beer in the Clubhouse; I hopped in the car, and would have been here at 12 on the button. On the way home, I spotted a girl half our age struggling with a flat tire. I changed it in a jiffy, and next she's offering me money. Of course, I refuse it - then she tells me she was headed to the bar at the Sheraton - and begs me to stop so she can buy me a beer.

She's such a sweetie, I said yes. Before you know it, one beer turned to three or four and I guess we were looking pretty good to each other. Then she tells me she has a room at the Sheraton less than 50 steps from our table.

She suggested we get some privacy while pulling me by the hand. Now I'm in her room, clothes are flying, the talking stopped and we proceeded to have sex in every way imaginable.

It must have gone on for hours, because before I know it the clock says 5:30. I jumped up, threw my clothes on, ran to the car, and here I am. There. You wanted the truth, you got it."

Wife - "Complete and Utter Bullsh*t You played 36 holes, didn't you?"
 
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True story told to me by a female work colleague (Helen) some years ago.

Helen announced that it was time for bed. Her husband (George) went to the kitchen and came back with a glass of water and two Panadol. Helen said: "What are they for?" George said: "They are for your headache." Helen said: "But I haven't got a headache!" George replied: "Great!"
 
10987639_855461811164034_5294753397015224321_n.jpg
 
Car language


A daughter asked her dad, "Dad, there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I didn't understand --
He said that I have a beautiful chassis, 2 lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

Dad said, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and pulls out his dipstick to check the oil, I will give him such a servicing that his motor will cease functioning and his ball bearings will fall off!!"
 
A very tired nurse walks into a bank after an 18 hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake ,she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat she says:
Well that's great.........some coughhole's got my pen.
 
anat0l said:
You're probably going to have to find the direct URL for your picture rather than copying and pasting it from an email.

Either that or you need to bring whatever it is in from the snow and shake it off a bit. :)
Click to expand...

Well it seemed to be there first up. Now reloaded, seems to be there.

Damn, gone again - deleting
 

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