A bit of humour

[rogerkambah]

No. It only works for you because you are logged into your email (web email). As we are not logged into your email like you, we can't see it.

Ahhhhhrgh.

 

[Major]

Bert, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy
boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore
them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said
to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret, who is 75, looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed
and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except
for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?" Margaret looked up and said
in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging
down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down
again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert ... You shoulda bought a hat!"

 

[codash1099]

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side.

The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.

Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart."

 

[stoneman]

Bert, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy
boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore
them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said
to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret, who is 75, looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed
and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except
for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?" Margaret looked up and said
in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging
down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down
again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert ... You shoulda bought a hat!"

LMAO!!!!! That is GOLD!!!

 

[drron]

It takes a good editor to bring humour to death-

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[get me outta here]

One for the golfers


The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

 

[mrs.dr.ron]

 

[rogerkambah]

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ... but it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify..." I answered "a doctor."

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

 

[Maca44]

Fifty shades of Greying

Back and forth . . . . Back and forth . . . .
In and out . . . . In and out . . . .
A little to the right . . . . A little to the left . . . .
She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
Between her breasts . . . . And, trickling down the small of her back . . . .
She was getting near to the end.
He was in ecstasy . . . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . .
Forwards then backwards.
Forward then backward.
Again . . . . and, again . . . .
Her heart was pounding now . . . .
Her face was flushed . . . .
She moaned . . . . softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . .
Finally . . . . totally exhausted . . . . she let out a piercing scream . . . .

She shouted:





"OK, OK, you smug cough, I can't parallel park. You do it!"

 

[Maca44]

The Royal Quote

 

[ALH]

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10153059839001147

Mr ALH and I have been wetting ourselves with this one

 

[RAM]

Fifty shades of Greying

Back and forth . . . . Back and forth . . . .
In and out . . . . In and out . . . .
A little to the right . . . . A little to the left . . . .
She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
Between her breasts . . . . And, trickling down the small of her back . . . .
She was getting near to the end.
He was in ecstasy . . . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . .
Forwards then backwards.
Forward then backward.
Again . . . . and, again . . . .
Her heart was pounding now . . . .
Her face was flushed . . . .
She moaned . . . . softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . .
Finally . . . . totally exhausted . . . . she let out a piercing scream . . . .

She shouted:





"OK, OK, you smug cough, I can't parallel park. You do it!"

I thought it was going to be;

How much longer do I have to hold up the TV aerial?

 

[drron]

Some more headlines in the 'well I never"category-

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[Hvr]

Why was the bagel crying outside his home?

Because someone changed the lox.

 

[straitman]

A Man Asks His Wife For A Ridiculous Souvenir. Wait Until You See Her Response.


A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

"Thank you honey" she says. "What would you like me to bring back for you?"

He laughs and says, "An Italian girl"

They both laugh, kiss each other goodbye and she boards her flight.

When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks, "So honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good, she replies."

"And what about my present?" he giggles.

"Which present?" she asks.

"The one I asked for ~ an Italian girl."

"Oh that," she says. "Well I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl."

 

[Maca44]

An elderly gentleman enters the pharmac_ and asks the pharmacist on duty "Do you sell cough"?
"Why yes", the pharmacist replies.
"I would like to buy some. How are they packaged?" says the elderly gent,
The pharmacist says, "We have them in packs of 20"
The elderly gent says, "I will have a pack of 20 please, but before you wrap them could you break each tablet in quarters".
The chemist says, "do you know what these are used for. If you break them into quarters they will do nothing to enhance or benefit your sexual experience".
The elderly man says, "I'm 92 years of age and have no use for them to enhance my sexual prowess. I just want to get it out far enough so I stop pissing on my slippers".

 

[drron]

No sex please.Certainly no proof reading-

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[Major]

IRISH DIESEL FITTER

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation,

Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs..'

The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him $80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'

Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.


The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'

'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'

 

[Bundy Bear]

Ha, post too short didn't think it needed explaining

 

[drron]